Principal Skinner quotes from The Simpsons

Principal Skinner

Milhouse, your word is "choke."

Oh, I know this one, it's so easy, "F".... oh, man! [the kids laugh]

Principal Skinner

Stop laughing! It will scar him for life! [kids keep laughing] He-he-he, it is kinda infectious.

Lisa

Could you use it in a sentence?

Nothing can ameliorate the ineptitude of Principal Skinner.

Principal Skinner

I wish he wouldn't use me in every example.

Principal Skinner

Lisa, "impugn."

Lisa

I-M-P...

Bart

Hey, Lisa said...

[Slaps Bart in the back of his head] Shut up, pee!

Lisa

I'm keeping you! You're Snowball V, but to save money on a new dish, we'll just call you Snowball II and pretend this whole thing never happened.

Principal Skinner

That's really a cheat, isn't it?

Lisa

I guess you're right, Principal Tamzarian.

Principal Skinner

I'll just be moving along, Lisa. Snowball II.

Groundskeeper Willie

It won't last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies! Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!

Principal Skinner

You Scots sure are a contentious people.

Willie

You just made an enemy for life!

They're just asserting their independence. If a child doesn't do it now, it may never happen.

Agnes Skinner

Seymour! Do you want your vitamin in apple sauce or are you gonna take it like a big boy?

[quietly] Apple sauce.

Marge

[to Bart] The last thing I want is for you to turn into that! [Points to Principal Skinner]

Principal Skinner

[Looks behind him] What? The wall?

Bart

I'll cut you a deal, I'll give you Milhouse.

Principal Skinner

[upclose] I don't want Milhouse.

Sounds like my parents' custody hearing.

Homer

This camp's got it all. Climbing some kind of rope thing. Wearing a backpack. High-fiving the black kid. [angrily to Bart] It's the perfect thing to straighten you out.

Principal Skinner

Got it. [Bart groans 3 times] Now I have a ring tone for my brand-new cell phone. No wires at all. Except this one.

Hey, check it out. I made it partially risqué. [he and Carl hi five]

Homer

[approaching with his car, where Bart is sitting on a back seat] Hey, guys, I have to put the boy on a plane to soul-crushing camp. Then I'll be back to go to Vegas.

Bart

Dad, if you take me to Vegas, I'll teach you how to cheat at blackjack.

Homer

Boy, you don't need to cheat when you got a system.

Bart

What's your system?

Homer

[whispers to Bart] I don't tell your mother how much I've lost.

Ow!

Lisa

[giggles]

Martin

Pardon my birdie, I misjudged the privellian winds.

YOU EMBARRASSED ME IN FRONT OF LISA!!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Lisa

Milhouse, what's gotten into you?

Over the years a lotta people have hurted me! Good thing I kept this list. [Shows Lisa a list of people have wronged him and then chuckles evilly]

Lisa

No, no, you already got your revenge!

You wouldn't give me Chinese Cuts in the lunch line! [Inflicts Wendell a Wedgie] You laughed when I threw up in the Glass blowing tour! [Inflicts Lewis a Wedgie] Girls like you better! [Inflicts Richard a Stop Hitting Yourself] Your parents are married! [Inflicts the rest of the kids a Stop Hitting Yourself, Wedgie and Wet Willie]

Bart

Ay, caramba! [Back at the present] That's the only line I get in your stupid story?

Lisa

There are no small parts, just small actors.

[Back at the story, Milhouse keeps inflicting punishments on his enemies]

This is my first day at this school! I haven't done anything to you!

You will! This is prevenge! [Inflicts Freshman Facial on the kid an falls on his face in a mud puddle, then Groundskeeper Willie walks by and sees the kid and Milhouse]

Willie

Well, look, it's Milhouse! What's the power glove for? Opening the cap on his weirdo pills? [Milhouse inflicts Ultimate Noogie on Willie which severes his head off, though he's still alive]

Principal Skinner

[walks by] Willie, clean up this mess!

Willie

Alright! [Starts licking his blood]

Lisa

Milhouse, don't you see? You're addicted to revenge!

You'll learn to love it when you're my queen!

Lisa

I see. [Chuckles nervously] While it would be an honor to be your queen...

Go on.

Lisa

I feel it would be best if we just stay as friends.

NOBODY SPARES MY FEELINGS!! [Gets ready to shoot Lisa but starts to decide not to]

I can't do it, I can't hurt you Lisa! [Throws the glove away but then Nelson picks it up]

Ha Ha! You forgot about me 'Cuz I had the mumps! [Inflicts all the glove's options at Milhouse]

Principal Skinner

Well, if we can't get into Sundance, would you like to check out its alternative cousin, Slamdance?

I'd rather die.

Principal Skinner

At the end of the month we're be participating in the Vice President's Assessment Test.

He stinks!

Principal Skinner

We're assessing you, not him.

Withdrawn.

Principal Skinner

[to Milhouse] We've got the how, we've got the who, but we don't have the why.

Homer

[with letter "Y" in his head] Here 'tis. [Yanks Y from his head and placed it on a desk.]

Edna please! Even the Union can't protect you from this.

[To Mr. Largo] Give me one night, Dewey. I'll get you off Broadway..

[Horrified] Never!

Principal Skinner

[Holds Mrs, Krabappel's hand] Edna, let's go.

I'd say you're dumb as a post, but at least you can put a sign on a post that says, "Fresh strawberries-- one mile." You are a nitwit in an ill-fitting suit.

[quietly] I'll have you know I'm lop-shouldered.

Chalmers

I'm sorry, what did you say?

[angry] I said, I'm lop-shouldered...and I have been since I was hung by my armpits in a North Vietnamese prison!

Chalmers

[shocked by the outburst] I... I didn't know that.

Oh, the list of things you don't know could fill a week's worth of morning announcements, with enough left over for a send-home flyer!

Chalmers

There's no need for hyperbole, Seymour.

If you think it's so easy to handle Bart Simpson, why don't you do it yourself?! [The rest of the teaching staff cheers]