Waylon Smithers quotes from The Simpsons

Mr. Burns

Who is that firebrand, Smithers?

That's Homer Simpson, sir.

Mr. Burns

Simpson, eh? New man?

Actually, sir, he thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude...

Mr. Burns

...Eh, doesn't ring a bell.

Homer, this is an exact replica of your work station.

Homer

Hm?

Now, we're going to simulate a power surge in core sector eight.

Homer

What the hell are you talking about?

Homer

[blubbering] What do I do? What do I do? In the name of God, you've gotta tell me!

Relax! It's just a simulator. Nothing can go wrong.

Homer

[to himself] Just poke blindly at the controls until they let you go.

No, no! This... can't be happening!

For the love of God, sir, there are two seats!

Mr Burns

[reopens the door] I like to put my feet up.

Homer

Raargh! Must... destroy... mankind! [his watch beeps] Ooh, lunchtime. [Homer shakes off the radiation and walks off]

I'm still not sure how he caused the meltdown. There wasn't any nuclear material in the truck!

Mr. Burns

Oh, very well, it's time for your bribe. Now, you can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing, or you can trade it all in for what's in this box.

The box, the box!

Look, Burns, this is a big problem. You can't just throw money at it and make it go away.

Mayor Quimby

Gentlemen, I've decided there will be, uh, no investigation. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go away. [departs]

You're in big trouble, Burns. Homer Simpson's job requires college training in nuclear physics. Now you get your man up to speed, or we'll be forced to take legal action.

Mr. Burns

Is that so? Well, I have a feeling you'll be... dropping the charges.

The painters moved your desk, sir.

Mr. Burns

Ah, yes.

Mr. Burns

You [Homer] must find the Jade Monkey before the next full moon.

Actually sir we found the Jade Monkey; it was in your glove compartment.

Mr. Burns

And the road maps and ice scraper?

They were in there too sir.

Mr. Burns

Excellent, it's all falling into place.

Who's Bobo, sir?

Mr. Burns

Bobo? Oh I meant Lobo, uh, Sheriff Lobo. They never should have cancelled that show. What were they thinking?

Oh, I see. On another topic, the preparations for your birthday have begun.

Mr. Burns

I won't get what I really want.

No one does.

[singing] Happy Birthday, Mr. Smithers...

[smiles] Mmmm...

Homer

Lobo...Lobo... Bring back Sheriff Lobo!

Mr. Burns

[via intercom] Welcome, come in. [sinisterly, still heard on intercom] Ah, fresh victims for my ever growing army of the undead.

Sir, you have to let go of the button.

Mr. Burns

Oh, son of a bi-- [door opens]

Mr. Burns

And I'm really enjoying this so called... iced cream!

Sir, in the spirit of the festival and everything, I'd just like to say that.... I... love you.

Hm?

In those colors! [to himself] Oh, who am I kidding? The boathouse was the time!

Well, sir, I won't bore you with the details of our miraculous escape, but we desperately need a real emergency exit.

Mr. Burns

Why, that's a fabulous idea. Anything else you'd like? How about real lead in the radiation shields? Urinal cakes, maybe? [hands Smithers a notebook] Smithers, throw this at him. [Smithers throws the book at Charlie. Mr. Burns right hand reaches under his desk and presses a button. A tube covers Charlie and sucks him upwards] Smithers, where does that tube go?

I'm not sure, sir; it was here when we moved in.

Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! [Charlie does so. The men start ululating maniacally]

Someone is charging room service to the company, sir.

Mr. Burns

Well we'll just see about that! [uncovers a cage hold several winged monkeys] Fly, my pretties! Fly! [the monkeys leap out of the window, only to plummet to their deaths] Oh...[to Smithers] Continue the research.

Mr. Burns

Thank you for visiting our plant, Dr. Kissinger.

It was fun.

We'll let you know if your glasses turn up.

Yes well, I'm sure I left them in the car. [thinking] No one must know I dropped them in the toilet. Not I, the man who drafted the Paris Peace Accords.

I'm afraid Robert Goulet hasn't arrived yet, sir.

Mr. Burns

Very well, begin the thawing of Jim Nabors.

Excuse me, ma'am, don't you think you've gambled enough?

Marge

No.

Okay. We're required by law to ask every 75 hours. Get her another free drink.

Mr. Burns

Hello, Smithers. You're. Quite. Good. At. Turning. Me. On.

Uh, you probably should ignore that.

I got a mink chamois, sir. I hope it-- [gasp] Oh, my God, Mr. Burns is dead! Aw! Why do the good always die so young?

Mr. Burns

[emerges, strangles Smithers] You almost killed me!

Please, sir... [places towel on Burns' shoulders] you'll catch..cold.

Mr. Burns

Oh, look. A bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.

I think it is a rock, sir.

Mr. Burns

We'll see what the lab has to say about that.