Scenes with Lisa Simpson 515
So, Burns is gonna make us all go on a stupid corporate retreat up in the mountains to learn about teamwork. Which means we'll have to cancel our plans to hang around here.
Think about it. I mean, what team was Babe Ruth on? Who knows.
Sharing is a bunch of bull, too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. But I think we have to go to the retreat anyway.
[In the latest episode of "Itchy and Scratchy," Itchy has frozen Scratchy in an ice block for an ice-sculpting contest. Itchy begins to slice Scratchy with a chainsaw, but then Poochie walks in.]
IItchy
Hi, Poochie. You look like you've got something to say. Do you?
PPoochie
Yes, I certainly do! [his image freezes, and we hear Myers's voice dubbing over the image, saying...] I have to go now. My planet needs me.
[The animation cel with Poochie on it actually slides upward in a choppy manner as a slide-whistle sound is heard. Then a handwritten note in red marker appears, reading: "NOTE: Poochie died on the way back to his home planet."]
Wow! Poochie came from another planet?
LisaUh, I guess...
Hey, that wasn't supposed to happen! Those finks double-crossed me! [see Krusty on TV]
Poochie's dead! [laughing; children in the audience cheer loudly] Well, kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die, they're back again the very next week. That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit that Poochie will never, ever, ever return! [Blue-Haired Lawyer examines the affidavit]
This document conforms to all applicable laws and statutes. [kids cheer]
AAnnouncer
It's the Krusty the Klown Prison Special!
[singing] I slugged some jerk in Tahoe, they gave me one-to-three / My high-priced lawyer sprung me on a technicality / I'm just visiting Springfield Prison / I get to sleep at home tonight...
[Angry mutterings from the convict audience.]
Hey, I kid! I kid 'cause I love! I tell ya, the best folk in the world are prison folk!
[Cheering.]
Man, those cons love Krusty! I guess inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy.
Lisa
And vice versa.
[After Cecil locks Bob, Bart and Lisa inside the collapsing dam]
Lisa
Oh, it's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless!
[offended] Oh, I see. When it's one of my schemes, you can't foil it fast enough, but when Cecil tries to kill you, [mockingly] "it's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless!"
[Homer answers the door to Ned Flanders]
Homer, I've got a Fozzie of a bear of a problem! See, Maude and her mother were visiting Tyre and Sidon, the twin cities of the Holy Land. Well, they must have kneeled in the wrong place, and prayed to the wrong god, because, well, they're being held prisoner by militants of some sort!
Militants, huh? Well, if I were you, I'd kick their asses.
Well, any whodilly-doodle, the embassy says it's a routine hostage-taking, but I have to drive to Capitol City and fill out forms to get them out. Could you possibly watch the kids tonight?
Oh, gee, I'd really love to wanna help you, Flanders, but, uh... Marge was... taken prisoner in the....Holy Land, and, uh...
Lisa
[tugging at Homer's hand] I'll do it! I'll babysit!
Well, I dunno, Lisa. You're awfully young, and the boys can be a handful. Todd's been pinching everyone lately!
Lisa
But I'm smart and responsible and my parents will be right next door!
Well, whaddya say, Homer? Can Lisa babysit my kids?
Lisa
Please, please, please?
Eh, I'll have to ask her. [slams the door]
[Lisa drags Bart upstairs to put him to bed]
Lisa
Why do you have to make this so hard?
I'm using nonviolent resistance.
Lisa
Ugh! The idea that you would compare yourself to Mahatma Gandhi...
Lisa
[sees Bart eating a bread] I thought I told you to go to bed.
Yeah right, bread. You said go to bread.
Lisa
[clenched her teeth] I said, go to bed!
Lisa
B-E-D! BED!
Oh, bed. Oh! Anything you say sis. [leaves the table]
[Lisa twitches her eye, growling, later, Lisa checks on Bart, he is not in his room, Lisa finds Bart jumping on Homer and Marge's bed]
You didn't say which bed!
Lisa
Go to your bed!
Lisa
I'll make you! [lunges after him, Bart leaps off Homer and Marge's bed]
If you want me, you gotta catch me! [Lisa lunges at him, he leaps backwards] Almost. [Lisa leaps into the floor] Oh, so close.
Lisa
Bart! [lunges at Bart, until Bart accidentally falls down the stairs, seriously injured himself along the way]
Son of a- [crashes at the bottom and lays motionless]
Lisa
Oh, my God!
[sees Bart injured] Okay, we'll call it even if I can just have some of that big sandwich. Oh. [nervous chuckle] I'll come back. [leaves]
[Lisa gasps in horror]
[Homer and Bart come out of the basement with another wheelbarrow of bowling balls filled with beer]
Wait a minute, I forgot to make sure the coast was clear. Eh, it's probably clear, let's go.
[Homer walks forward with the wheelbarrow of bowling balls, but stops when Marge and Lisa are stood in the way. He shrieks and the wheelbarrow falls over, with the bowling balls sprawling on the floor and the beer pours out.]
I can explain, Marge! Please let me explain! OH WHY WON'T YOU LET ME EXPLAIN?!
You're the one the papers have been talking about. That mysterious Beer Baron who's been supplying Springfield with alcohol. How have you been getting away with this?
Well... and I can explain remember. I fill the balls with beer that I found at the dump, then bowl them, and some underground pipes stick 'em into Moe's.
Homer, that's very clever!
Lisa
[surprised] Mom?
Well it is. I've known your father since high school and this is the cleverest thing he's ever done. Besides, he's only breaking a silly 200-year old law.
It is silly, Marge. And look at all the money I'm making!
[Homer shows Marge the dollar bills.]
Lisa
Mom! Prohibition may be unpopular, but it's the law, and we still have-
[Homer, Marge and Bart point upwards.]
HMHomer, Marge and Bart
GO TO YOUR ROOM LISA!
[Homer and Bart are making bathtub gin and other liqor in the basement]
Lisa
Now you're making your own alcohol? That's even more illegal than what you were doing before.
Lisa remember we're disobeying an unjust law here. We're patriots, like... all those people in jail.
I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't wanna be driving to the maternity hospital or sitting in some phoney-baloney church, or [finger quotes] "synagogue". Questions?
[somewhat long pause, finally Skinner raises his hand]
Well, uh, I'm gonna take advantage of this rare opportunity even if you children aren't interested. Which do you think is more important? Hard work, or stick-to-itiveness?
Are there any real questions?
Lisa
Yes. Does your plant have a recycling program?
"Re-cy-cling"? [He turns his mental dictionary to "R", and searches but doesn't find "recycle" anywhere] I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that term, you adorable little ragamuffin.
Lisa
You never heard of recycling? It means to reuse things to conserve our natural resources.
Oh, so Mother Nature needs a favor?! Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she's losing?! Well, I say, hard cheese.
Lisa
But natural's not the enemy.
AAkira
[on phone] Hai. Hai. Hai. Bye. [turns to Homer] Hi!
[hands Akira a detergent box] Akira, can you read this for me?
AAkira
Ah, yes. This is a product called Mr. Sparkle, very popular dish detergent. [points at the mascot on the box] Hey, he looks like you! [laughs]
Lisa
What's he saying?
AAkira
He identifies himself as a magnet for foodstuffs. He boasts that he will banish dirt to the land of wind and ghosts.
Lisa
Wow!
AAkira
Yes, you have very lucky dishes, Mr. Simpson. This soap is from the sacred forest of Hokkaidō, renowned for its countless soap factories.
[At Mardi Gras, Chief Wiggum is confronted by revelers wearing outsized party masks, who reveal themselves to be the Simpsons]
WWiggum
If it isn't my old friends from Springfield, the Simpsons! What brings you folks to New Orleans?
Mardi Gras, man. When the Big Easy calls, you gotta accept the charges.
Lisa
Chief Wiggum, I can't wait to hear about all the exciting, sexy adventures you're sure to have against this colorful backdrop.
WWiggum
Well golly, I'd love to chat, but my son's been kidnapped. You haven't seen him, have you? Caucasian male, between the ages of six and ten, thinning hair.
Over there. [points at Ralph and Big Daddy in the crowd]
[points at Chief Wiggum] Look, Big Daddy! It's regular Daddy!
BDBig Daddy
The Chief! Ooh, I suppose I'd best to run. [fans himself with his hat] Lord have mercy, how I wish I weren't so fat.
Testing. [2 megaphones] Testing. [looks at the megaphones on the wall 5 times] Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hey. [devilish laughing; sets up 15 megaphones on chairs; fly buzzing; licks his lips] TESTING! [causes big sound wave explosion; echoing voice] TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING!
[The soundwave causes the car alarms to go off, break the pet store window into pieces, which causes the birds to screech and saying "Testing!", break the fish tank which causes the octopus cling onto Professor Fink, and break the Duff Beer bottles which causes to Homer scream in despair, After Bart caused feedback from the massive sound wave unleashed on the town]
[berating Bart] YOU'VE REALLY DONE IT THIS TIME, BART!!! YOU'RE IN FOR THE PUNISHMENT OF A LIFETIME!!!
Lisa
WHEN DO YOU EXPECT THE RINGING WILL STOP?!
[checks his watch] IN ABOUT...10 TO 15 SECONDS!
I CERTAINLY HOPE SO! [gasps as the feedback stops] That's better. [Maggie takes 2 pacifiers as ear plugs out of her ears; to Bart] Now about your punishment, young man.
I know. I'll go to my room and think about what I did.
[stops him] Oh, no! Your room is full of toys! You're going to the, uh... garage!
CCommandant
Traditionally, the academy tested these virtues by pitting you against each other in a two-day battle royale! [the cadets all gasp] That was prior to 1957, thank you very much, State Supreme Court. Consequently now, no cadet can receive a passing grade for the academic year without first conquering this. [points to a tightrope connected by two tall poles with thorn bushes underneath] Meet...The Eliminator. That's a 150-foot hand-over-hand crawl across a 60-gauge hemp-jute line with a blister factor of 12. The rope is suspended a full 40 feet over a solid British acre of old-growth Connecticut Valley thorn bushes. Gentlemen, welcome to flavor country.
Lisa
This wasn't in the brochure.
New York is a hellhole. And you know how I feel about hellholes.
Lisa
Dad, you can't judge a place you've never been to.
Yeah, that's what people do in Russia.
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
