Lisa Simpson quotes from The Simpsons, page 16 ... TV Quotes Database

Played by Yeardley Smith

4th most-quoted character in The Simpsons: in 585 of its 3,477 quotes
Most scenes with: Homer Simpson (249), Bart Simpson (248), Marge Simpson (169)

Scenes with Lisa Simpson 515

Lisa

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

Bart

Not if you called 'em stench blossoms.

Homer

Or crapweeds.

Marge

I'd sure hate to get a dozen crapweeds for Valentine's Day. I'd rather have candy.

Homer

Not if they were called scumdrops.

S9 The Principal and the Pauper

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[Lisa is staring at the garage roof when Homer pulls in]

Lisa

Hey dad could you get my basketball down.

Homer

Sure [Draws his gun and shoots it down]

[The basketball fall to the ground and deflates]

Homer

Want me to get the cat down too?

Lisa

[Knocking the gun out of the way] No thanks!

S9 The Cartridge Family

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Marge

[as the Simpsons eat from everything but the dinner plates which Bart and Homer shot at earlier] Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went?

Bart Simpson

Um...

Homer

Um, you probably left them at work. On another topic, guess who was picked to host the next NRA meeting!

[points gun to himself]

Marge

Homer, I told you this morning, no guns at the dinner table.

Homer

You said the breakfast table.

Marge

It's the same table!

Homer

Listen, if it'll make you feel any better, I'll put the safety on.

[attempts to put the safety on, but accidentally fires the gun. We see the bullet just nick Marge's shoulder in a picture of her hanging on a bulletin board]

Homer

Oh... I guess the safety was on.

[He tries again, but again accidentally fires it, this time hitting the same picture of Marge square in the chest]

Homer

I'd better just put it down.

[sets the gun on the table. While it rests there, the gun fires itself, and the bullet ricochets off a pot, hitting a knife sitting in a brick of cheese. The knife sails through the air, and stabs the same picture of Marge right between the eyes]

Lisa

No offense, Mom, but that was pretty cool.

S9 The Cartridge Family

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Lisa

Principal Skinner, remember when I didn't sue when I found that scorpion in my applesauce? Well, I'm calling in a favor.

Principal Skinner

I knew this day would come. [voice over intercom] Attention: all honor students will be rewarded with a trip to an archaeological dig. Conversely, all detention students will be punished with a trip to an archaeological dig.

S9 Lisa the Skeptic

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MMilhouse

What is it, Lisa?

Lisa

It looks like a human skeleton, but these other bones almost look like wings.

Ned

You mean like an angel?

Lisa

Well, obviously that's impossible--

MMoe

Lisa's right, it’s an angel!

S9 Lisa the Skeptic

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Flanders

Well, I gotta say, Lisa, it sounds like you're straining to do some explaining.

Chief Wiggum

Yeah, everyone's heard of angels, but who's ever heard of a "Neanderthal"?

Lisa

It could be anything, it could be a mutant from the nuclear plant.

Mr. Burns

Oh, fiddle faddle, everyone knows our mutants have flippers. Oops, I've said too much. Smithers, use the amnesia ray.

SSmithers

You mean the revolver, sir?

Mr. Burns

Precisely. Be sure to wipe your own memory clear when you're finished.

S9 Lisa the Skeptic

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Lisa

I just think it's a fantasy. If you believe in angels, why not sea monsters, unicorns or leprechauns?

Kent Brockman

Oh, that's a bunch of baloney, Lisa. Everyone knows leprechauns are extinct.

S9 Lisa the Skeptic

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Lisa

It's a bone scraping from that skeleton I found.

GDr. Gould

Oh, yeah, that so-called angel. The whole thing's preposterous, of course.

Lisa

Quite preposterous, but no one will believe me until I can prove what it really is. Can't you do a DNA test or something?

GDr. Gould

Certainly, I'll have the results by tomorrow.

Lisa

Oh, thank you so much. Er... you know... I can't afford to pay you.

GDr. Gould

I didn't become a scientist for financial gain. Whatever little money you have will be just fine.

S9 Lisa the Skeptic

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Homer

[singing] Here's the angel, see the angel

It's my angel, no one else's, next to the rakes

Lisa

I don't think you should call this thing an angel. There's no proof of that.

Homer

No one's calling it an angel, Lisa. If you look carefully you'll notice I never once used the word "angel."

Lisa

What about that sign right there?

[She points at a sign which says "angel" in huge letters]

Homer

That's a typo.

S9 Lisa the Skeptic

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Lisa

I don't understand, professor. Why didn't your tests show that the skeleton was a fake?

GDr. Gould

I'm going to be honest with you Lisa, I never did the tests. [walks away]

S9 Lisa the Skeptic

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Homer

Seat belts? They kill more people than they save.

Lisa

That's not true, you're thinking of airbags!

S9 Realty Bites

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[Bart and Lisa help Marge practice her skills as an estate agent by roleplaying as a married couple]

Marge

So, you're married and you're looking for your house, Mr. and Mrs...?

Bart

Superman!

Lisa

[chuckling] Oh! Don't listen to my husband, he's just an idiot. Now, I'm a veterinarian, and I need to keep lots of sick animals in my house - is that permitted?

Bart

Not in my damn house!

Marge

Well, this neighbourhood is zone R3, which allows dogs, cats, phone-answering monkeys, and... ohhh... [checks book and sits down in defeat] I'll never memorize all this!

Lisa

When I had to learn about the Magna Carta, I made up a song! [sings to the tune of "Camptown Races"]

In 1215 at Runnymede, do da do da,

The nobles and the king agreed, oh da doo da day!

Bart

[grumpily] We should have lived together first...

S9 Realty Bites

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[Bart and Lisa have come up with a song to help Marge study for her realtor's license and are singing it to Homer to the tune of “Camptown Races”]

BLBart, Lisa, and Marge

On the closing day, the escrow agents pay

Taxes, liens and interest too, thanks to Fannie Mae!