Ah, morning, Homer. You're looking unusually focused this morning.
[in Snake's voice] Shut your squeal-hole, booze jockey. I'm going to, like, totally waste you.
Well, somebody's a grumpy Gus. What's--
[in Snake's voice, pulling Moe's heart out] Yoink.
Ah, for cryin' out loud. [Groans and dies into the cereal bowl]
Another of Springfield's beloved citizens was murdered today. Filthy old Bartender Moe Szyslak has watered down his last highball.
Oh, my God! Everyone Snake swore revenge on is being murdered!
MargeIt's almost as if he's killing from beyond the grave.
I told you capital punishment isn't a deterrent.
Don't you get it? He swore he'd kill me too. I'm next!
[puts his arm around Bart] Don't worry, I'll protect you. [in Snake's voice] Little dude. [normal voice] There. Now no murderers can get in. [in Snake's voice] Or out.
KCKrusty the Clown Doll
[laughing] Stop it! You're killing me!
[screams] My school picture!
Daddy would like a word with you, Barty!
Help! Dad's trying to kill me!
It's hammer time, snitchy!
Of course. The transplant. Somehow Snake's hair must be controlling...
Marge
Oh please, Lisa, everyone's already figured that out.
You've got to fight the hair, Dad.
But I look so youthful and hunky. [in Snake's voice] The kid's got to die. [normal voice] But I love my son. [in Snake's voice] More than a lush head of hair? [normal voice] Don't make me choose! [laughs in Snake's voice] [normal voice] No!
[Homer tears Snake's hair off of his head and discards it]
I love you too, Dad. [screaming] Get off! Get it off! [muffled]
I'll show you, hair! [Homer punches Snake's hairpiece that's attacking Bart]
Ow! [turns red in furious] That's my face, you idiot!
Idiot? [turns red in anger] Why, you little... [Homer angrily strangles Bart, but two policeman burst into Bart's room]
Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for the murders of Moe Szyslak and Apu Nahasa... pasa... Ah, just Moe. Just Moe.
It wasn't me. It was the hair.
Freeze, hair ball! [after he and the other officers shoot and kill Snake's hair, Maggie picks the hair up and sucks her thumb] Now that's what I call a bad hair day! [everyone laughs].
Marge
May I remind you that two people are dead? Oh, wait. I just got it.
It's funny. [everyone laughs] Bad hair day!
Marge
[after turning off "Itchy & Scratchy"] Sorry, but if I let you watch one of these gruesome Halloween cartoons, I'd be a pretty lousy mother. Why don't you kids come trick-or-treating with Maggie and me?
Nah. It's too early. I need to work under cover of darkness.
Marge
Oh, Homer, you're not going as a hobo again?
Marge
Well, we're leaving. And remember, no Itchy & Scratchy. I better take these batteries just to be sure.
[singing] Mama took those batteries, she took 'em away. Mama took those batteries, size double-A!
There's got to be some batteries in here somewhere. Hmm...
Oh, Bart, that's plutonium. It's highly unstable.
Don't you ever get tired of being wrong?
What's wrong with the TV?
[After changing Lisa and the TV screen into red] Whoa! Cool!
[Holding the remote control] Bart, quit it! Hey Give--
Hey, Lise, we're characters in a cartoon!
[to Bart and Lisa] Why are you laughing?
IItchy
[to Scratchy] Hey, they're laughing at your pain.
[Picks up his head and puts it back on his body] That's mean.
IItchy
Let's teach 'em a lesson. [shaking Scratchy's hand]
[A trickle of blood runs down his forehead]
[Itchy loads a cannon with all manner of deadly objects]
BLBart & Lisa
[eyes literally sockets] AAH! AAAH!!! [They run out of the house. The cannon fires, and the kids have to duck to avoid the flying arsenal]
JSJerry Springer
And now for my final thought; nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above the welfare of their child. [everyone onstage looks ashamed] Let's hope they put their differences aside and do what's best for Maggie. [Maggie lunges at Springer] What the [bleep]?! Get this [bleep] baby off! [she bites him] [bleep]! Son of a [bleep]!
[Kang and Homer try to pull Maggie off, but end up fighting again]
Marge
[with her head in her hands] I'm so [bleep] embarrassed.
Marge
I can't believe it. Jerry Springer didn't solve our conflict.
Any-Hoo, this is your last chance. Turn over the baby now!
Or we will destroy all your leaders in Washington!
Marge
[not intimidated] Oh, you can't destroy every politician!
[Kang and Kodos laugh maniacally as they enter their spaceship and take off.]
Marge
Suckers.
Come on, Maggie. Let’s go home.
[In Kang’s voice] Very well, I’ll drive. [Maggie laughs maniacally as the screen fades to black and starting opening credits showrunner.] I need blood. [After the credits of showrunner, Halloween ending theme music is hear of end credits roll. After the credits, Regis Philbin yells]
RPRegis Philbin
My eyes! My beautiful eyes!
[As the organ music plays in Gracie Films logo, the same as "Treehouse of Horror II" and 20th Century Fox Television logos appears at the end of the episode]
Marge
Doctor, will he be all right?
Yes, he was lucky. If that were a gladiola, he'd be dead right now.
Why don't you just pull it out?
[laughs] I'm a doctor, not a gardener.
Couldn't you prune some of the leaves so I can watch TV?
Hurry up, my arms are getting cold.
[Lisa sneezes inside the freezer. Marge arrives]
Marge
Oh my goodness! Homer, get her out of there!
Aw! [pulls Lisa out of the freezer shivering holding an ice cream can]
[Picks the ice cream can from Lisa] Sherbert Hoover? [throws it back on the freezer]
Marge
[grumbling and mopping in the kitchen] Who left these muddy claw prints on my clean floor?
Sorry, Marge. Pinchy got all dirty in the yard chasing birds. But don't worry! I put him in a nice hot bath.
[sniffs the air] Hey, what smells so good?
Yeah... [with growing realization and horror] Pinchy? Pinchy?! Oh...! PINCHY!!!!!!
[Homer hurries away to the bathroom. Later, he is seen crying while eating Pinchy's cooked body at the dinner table]
Oh, man, that's good...! [sob] Pass the butter?
[passing it] Are you gonna eat that all by yourself?
Uh-huh. Pinchy would've wanted it this way. My dear, sweet Pinchy...! [takes a bite] No more pain where you are now, boy. [breaks the lobster's body in half and sucks out the meat] Oh God, that's tasty! I wish Pinchy were here to enjoy this! [sobs and takes more bites] Oh, Pinchy...!
[to Bart and Lisa] Hold it, what's your clearance?
We just wanna get a snack.
But, Dad... [Homer pinches the kids on the shoulder, sending them to the floor, unconscious]
Marge
Homer, I don't want you using your new sleeper hold on the children.
They'll be fine in half an hour.
If I was Fat Tony, and God willing someday I will be, I'd just be stewing in my jail cell getting madder and madder.
I don't have to worry about that, he's already out on bail. Well, I'm off to work.
Marge
You're guarding the mayor tonight, after Fat Tony swore revenge?
It's my duty, Marge. Besides, those mobsters don't scare me. Bart, will you start daddy's car?
Marge
Homer!
What? There's nothing to worry about.
Alright, fine, I'll take a cab.
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
