Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

Boy, push down on the bumper! Then I can back the car up and save myself!

Bart

[suspicious] If I save you, what are you going to do to me?

Homer

[calmly] Shower you with love, because this experience has taught me just how precious you are! [Bart pushes down on the bumper, at which point Homer goes berserk] I'll kill you, I'll kill your whole family!

Homer

[calmly] Kidding! I'm kidding! We can do that, we have a special friendship!

Homer

[angry] I'm gonna double-kill you! Then I'm gonna bury you in a shallow grave! Then I'm gonna dig you up and kill you again: that's the beauty of a shallow grave!

Homer

[calm] Oh you sweet little angel! I'm gonna...

Homer

[angry]...rip your head off and spit down...

Homer

[calm]...your adorable little neck because I...

Homer

[angry]...wanna smash your stupid little head!

Homer

[calm] Oh but I love you! We'll go on a fishing trip...

Homer

[angry] But first I'm gonna put you in a sawmill! Then push your little face down, that's what I'm gonna do!

Marge

Homer, I hope you get this: I'm in jail and I need $10,000 bail. Hurry!

Homer

Uhh, Marge, me and Bart got in a fight with this really uncool pit boss, and now we're in Nevada State Prison. Also, I don't know where Bart is. If you see him say, "Hey"!

Lisa

Well, Maggie, I always knew that someday it would boil down to just you and me; I'll look for work in the morning.

Marge

Where's Bart? I haven't seen him since you came home.

Homer

{Sarcastically] Oh, you haven't seen Bart for a few hours, so you automatically assume I let something terrible happen.

Marge

I didn't say that.

Homer

[still sarcastic] I know what you think... when stupid Homer wasn't looking, Bart got kidnapped by a monkey.

Marge

[concerned] I could never think something that horrible!

Homer

[still sarcastic] And now I'm using sarcasm to confess the whole thing, so later I can say that I already told you!

Marge

Sorry I asked. [leaves]

Lisa

Dad, you can't keep this up for long.

Homer

[still sarcastic] Oh, you're so right, I guess I should be more concerned with Bart's safety than covering my own butt! And maybe I'm talking like this, because I can't stop! HELP ME LISA! I HAVE SERIOUS MENTAL PROBLEMS!

Homer

All right, pal. I've made a diagram of all the places on Marge you're not allowed to touch. [shows diagram] Especially the hair!

Oh, not to worry. I'm a bit of an elbow man myself. Bit different...bit weird...not sexual.

Homer

You take forever to say nothing.

Charles, I'm leaving you.

Patty

You snooze, you lose!

[astounded] You're leaving me for him!?

Homer

So it would seem, but Cousin It there was born a woman!

Patty

What brought us together is how much we hate you!

Homer

Yeah!? Well I'm gonna vote 'No' on Proposition 72 so you can't adopt! [Patty twists Homer's arm] Kidding! Kidding! I don't vote! The polling station's up a hill and I never make it!

Lisa

Why must we share them with the world?

Homer

Because we'll be on TV, and earn enough money to buy a TV... TV!

Lisa

But Dad!

Homer

Yes, TV-sa?

Lisa

Forget it...

Homer

[angrily turns red] You're an useless old man! Name one thing you do for this family.

I watch the baby.

Marge

Where is the baby?

[surprised] You left me with a baby?!?

Homer

So... do you wanna... "wang chung tonight"?

Marge

I don't know. I'm still frowny with you. Do you really think women are mentally inferior?

Homer

[shifting his eyes nervously] Well, uh, uh, honey, you're just as smart as a man. Sometimes when I'm with you, I feel like I'm doing it with a dude.

Homer

Oh, why did women invent sleeping on the couch? Oh. Well, I won't be lonely. I can always cuddle with the dog. [cuddles Santa's Little Helper] Mmm. At least everyone knows I'm smarter than you!

Homer

Oh, how did this happen?

Homer

When will Marge remember us?

Dr. Hibbert

It's hard to say. With retrograde amnesia such as this, the patient could forget years and years of her life. You just have to keep jogging her memory until it works.

Homer

Awww! Jogging?

Dr. Hibbert

I didn't say you should be jogging.

Homer

Sweet!

Dr. Hibbert

Although you should be jogging.

Homer

Aww! Jogging?

Homer

See that ball of fire? That's the sun. It goes by many names: Apollo's Lantern, day moon, Old Blazey. The important thing is never to touch it.

Marge

I know what the sun is!

Homer

Yes, now you do.

Lisa

Isn't it weird that our parents are giving marital advice? They're always fighting. If you listen closely, you can hear them arguing right now. [she and Bart then listen closely]

Homer

[in distance] And I say, a monkey can mow our lawn!

Fat Tony

Welcome to my home.

Marge

[gasps] Must have cost a fortune!

Fat Tony

Actually, you can really keep costs down when you don't pay for materials, or labor, or permits or... land.

Homer

Wow, your paintings have brush marks. And your statues have wieners.

Fat Tony

Your words honor my family.

Homer

Boy, get dressed! You’re going to a jazz brunch as a punishment for all the racket you’re making.

Bart

I thought you wanted me to drum?

Homer

Hmph. I'm sending you mixed messages. Now get the hell out of here! [slams door, then opens it again] I love you so much. [Hostile] Damn you! [Shakes fist]

Marge

Well, if you're through, let's check out that discount book warehouse.

Homer

But we already own a book!

Marge

Homie, don't you want to build something with your new fix-it books?

Homer

I did--I made a footrest!

Marge

Oh! Don't you have any follow-through on anything?

Homer

What's the point? We're all slowly dying...

Marge

Oh!