Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

What did we Germans do to deserve this? [Other German frowns at him] Oh, yeah.

Homer Simpson

Must eat more fat people... thank God I'm in America...

Homer

Won't joining the army take me away from my family for two years?

A large target like you will be home a lot sooner than that.

The Salvation Army? You got it! [arms a two-barreled shotgun]

Marge

[Reads the firsthand line of Moe's letter to Homer] "Dear Pusbag".

Homer

Whoa, Marge. Who'd you piss off?

[yells] It's for you, pusbag!

Homer, it's just a book.

Homer

No man should outlive his fictional wizard! NO MAN!

Marge

It's true. I do have trouble saying no. It all started when I was 7.

Selma

Marjorie. We need you to hide our cigarettes in your dollhouse.

Marge

No! [Patty and Selma shove her into her dollhouse] Mom? Grandma? Aunt Laurina? Anybody? [Trips on a toy car]

Marge

And that's why I have trouble saying no to people. Even Gil.

Homer

Marge, I have no idea what you were just thinking about. Why would you think I did?

Homer

[holding the blade of the grumple's skate to his neck] Give back that Holiday cheer, you bastard!

Never!

Homer

We left plenty of food so you won't starve.

Grampa

Oh, thank you.

Homer

I was talking to the cat.

Marge

Oh no, someone carved swastikas into your eyes!

Homer

I'm sure it was just some guy, who was filled with hate.

Marge

Homer no! Revenge never solves anything!

Homer

Then what is America doing in Iraq?!

I sentence you to life.

Homer

You moron, I'm already alive!

In prison! [hammers podium]

Homer

AAAAH!!!

[looking through Homer's photos] Terrific! Outstanding! This has Page One written all over it! What the hell did you do that for?

Homer

I wanted to remember my place in the book I was reading.

Marge

[after fire caused by birthday candle] This disasterette was a real wake up call, we need to find a way to protect our irreplaceables.

You could buy a fire-proof safe.

Homer

Or we could just resolve to be more careful with our open flames.

Sir we've been here six times this month.

Homer

Yeah but, uhm, one of those I dialed 911 by mistake but I was too embarrassed to admit it, so I set the house on fire. Feels good to tell the truth... no I'm lying again it feels bad.

Homer

Did I attach the harness!?

Lisa

No!

Bart

What's that comin' out of the safe?

Homer

I don't know--Maybe the Krusty doll accidentally turned on the car's headlights, which focused on the cologne bottle, causing it to boil and soon explode.

Lisa

Dad, that's ridiculous!

Homer

What's the deal with this California pizza? If I wanted cheese and fruit--[As it burns from the flames and begins melting]--I'd...have...to...[Melts into a plastic puddle]

Marge

[Devastated when the family album falls apart into ashes] Nooooooo! It's gone! That family album was a record of my accomplishments! It's like what a resume is for a man.

Lisa

I agree, Mom. It's very sad. But we'll have to move on. It's not like we can restage all our family photos.

Marge

[Becoming delighted upon the idea] Restage the photos!

Bart

Lisa you fool, you've doomed us all!

Bart

Nooooooo!

Lisa

[angrily] You can't give me a yellow card! You're my father!

Homer

When I put on these shorts, I'm not your father anymore, and judging by how tight they are, I'm never going to be anyone else's either.