Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Whatever happened to please and thank you?

Homer

I think they killed each other. You know, one of those murder-suicide deals.

S17 The Girl Who Slept Too Little

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[Maggie has chickenpox]

Homer, don't touch her, you've never had chickenpox.

Homer

I know, and you did and you're great.

Oh, I'm just saying it's very dangerous if you get it as an adult. It could leave you sterile, down there.

Homer

Ugh, you always gotta work blue don't you Marge?

[Homer leaves, but pokes his head through]

Homer

You're better than that.

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Homer

Well, me thinks the lady doth protest too much.

You don't trust me? After I salved every chicken pock on your ungrateful body? How dare you?

Homer

[turns red in anger] I'm still waiting for that "no".

Get out of this house!

Homer

Gladly! [angrily grabs his suitcase and opens the refrigerator door to packs the food out from the refrigerator, closes his suitcase, leaves the house]

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This is all my fault! I planted Mom's bra in Milhouse's parents' bed!

Homer

[turns red in anger] Why, you little...! [starts strangling Bart]

Homer, I can save you both. Just let go of the rock!

Homer whimpers in fear

Just do it! Trust me!

Homer

Okay.

Homer releases the rock as Marge, with a rope tied to her ankle and the tree, lunges after her son and husband. Homer grabs onto her hair, whilst Bart grabs onto Homer's leg, hanging on for dear life.

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Mom, Dad, I'd give a kajillion dollars for you two to get back together.

Homer

Make it 2 kajillion.

Homer!

Homer

We'll lose the first kajillion to taxes.

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Dr. Hibbert

I'm afraid that your son is in a deep coma, and may never wake up.

Homer

Well, at least he's not dead.

Dr. Hibbert

I should say so. This way, I can keep billing you!

S17 Treehouse of Horror XVI

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[Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney stand outside the Simpsons' house and sing My Sharona]

JDJimbo/Dolph/Kearney

[singing] Ooh, my little pretty one, my pretty one. When you gonna give me some time, Sharona. Ooh, you make my motor run, my motor run. Got it comin' off of the line, Sharona. Never gonna stop, give it up, such a dirty mind. I always get it up for the touch of the younger kind. My, my, my, aye-aye, whoa!

[A trophy is thrown through the window at the bullies.]

Homer

[offscreen] That song is a pop music footnote. [pause] I didn't say stop.

JDJimbo/Dolph/Kearney

[singing] M-m-m-my Sharona!

S17 Marge's Son Poisoning

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Homer

I will run for mayor!

Lisa

And I'll be your campaign manager!

Homer

And I'll find out what a Mayor does! [Gets some Beer] Expand my brain, learning juice!

S17 See Homer Run

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Homer

[Upon hearing that Sideshow Bob has a wife and son] Holy moly! I always thought you were, you know, out loud and proud.

Sideshow Bob

Well, I experimented in college, as one does.

Homer

Yeah, I never went to college.

Sideshow Bob

[sarcastic] Stop the presses.

S17 The Italian Bob

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Homer

This camp's got it all. Climbing some kind of rope thing. Wearing a backpack. High-fiving the black kid. [angrily to Bart] It's the perfect thing to straighten you out.

[Bart groans]

Principal Skinner

Got it. [Bart groans 3 times] Now I have a ring tone for my brand-new cell phone. No wires at all. Except this one.

[the scene switches to Lenny, Carl and Moe outside of Moe's Tavern]

LLenny

Hey, check it out. I made it partially risqué. [he and Carl hi five]

Homer

[approaching with his car, where Bart is sitting on a back seat] Hey, guys, I have to put the boy on a plane to soul-crushing camp. Then I'll be back to go to Vegas.

Dad, if you take me to Vegas, I'll teach you how to cheat at blackjack.

Homer

Boy, you don't need to cheat when you got a system.

What's your system?

Homer

[whispers to Bart] I don't tell your mother how much I've lost.

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Well, Homer, looks like I can't go to discipline camp. Which is too bad, 'cause I think this was the thing that would finally straighten me out.

Homer

[angrily grabs Bart by his shirt] Oh, yeah? You're going to that camp 'cause I'm going to drive you there.

Yeah, that will be way more fun than Vegas.

Homer

D'OHHHHHHHHH!

[zooms out of the Springfield International Airport and zooms in to Moe's Tavern]

Carl

Oh, dang, Homer ain't coming.

NNelson

[offscreen] Haw, haw!

Carl

And Nelson saw something funny!

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Homer

Stupid Bart, makes me drive to Oregon, home of unspoiled forests, birthplace of Matt Groening.

Dad, neither of us wanna go, why are you doing this? Where's the old carefree Homer who likes to cut loose?

Homer

You mean Fun Homer? I'm afraid Serious Homer has him locked up till you're at your snooty torture camp.

Fight back, Fun Homer! Together we can win!

Homer

It's no use!

[Zooms to inside Homer's head]

FHFun Homer

[locked in two energy cage rings like in Superman II] Aw come on, Serious Homer, let me out! We'll get a monkey drunk and push him down the stairs!

SHSerious Homer

[whacks Fun Homer with his rifle] I'll kill you, the way I killed Intellectual Homer!

[Zooms to dead Intellectual Homer, with "ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny" written in his blood]

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[Homer briefly stops at the Mount Rushmore, just shrugs his shoulders, says "Eh" and drives on]

Come on, Dad, we've got a long way to go, you can't stay mad at me the whole time!

Homer

Boy, if you were half as smart as you think you are, you'd clean up your act!

Well, maybe pulling pranks is the only thing I'm good at.

Homer

Well, at least you have something you're good at. I'm 38 years old, driving a crappy car, with a son who doesn't respect me, and I'm one Snickers pie away from losing my foot to diabetes! Mmmm... Snickers pie... [salivating]