Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

I've been called "Ugly," "Pug Ugly," "Fugly," "Pug Fugly." But never "Ugly-Ugly!"

Homer

Well, it's time to get some closure. Extreme closure.

Okay, last stop, Channel 6.

Homer

You're gonna get even with that lottery guy that never picks our numbers?

Nah, nah, nah, this is personal. [Flashback.] It all goes back to my acting days. I was auditioning for the role of Dr. Tad Winslow in the hit soap, "It Never Ends". [Reads a script.] 'Angela, I'm afraid I...'

Thank you, next! What were you thinking?

Well, you said you wanted gritty, in other words, ugly.

I wanted Mary Ann on Gilligan's Island-ugly, not Cornelius on the Planet of the Apes-ugly. TV-ugly not ugly-ugly.

Yeah, hey, I've got a gift. As a child, I was bitten by the acting bug. Then it burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart. Now those eggs are hatching and I... the feeling is indescribable.

Homer

I know what you mean. Our dog had that.

Homer Simpson

Oh, what a bleak and horrible future we live in!

Bart Simpson

Don't you mean "present?"

Homer Simpson

Right, right. Present.

Marge Simpson

So, how was everyone's day?

Lisa Simpson

Appointed a Supreme Court justice.

Bart Simpson

Bewitched marathon.

Homer Simpson

Searched for Lincoln's gold.

Lisa Simpson

Dad, that's just a myth. Lincoln didn't bury any gold in the White House.

Homer Simpson

Then what is his ghost protecting?

Homer

I can't believe I found this muscle shirt.

Bart

Dad, that's a sports bra.

Homer

All I know is that I'm finally getting the support I need.

Marge

[As she walks into the kitchen] I don't remember the air in the kitchen being so wavey. [She sniffs the air.] Good lord, that's gas! [Marge finds a taped hosepipe leading into the garden]

Homer

Behold! I am king Tocki Ticki! [The Hawaiian statue breathed fire as Bart and Lisa scream] Hey Flanders! Can your god do that?

Ned

Actually Homer, you and I worship the same god, so-

Homer

Irregardless! I am your god now! [Flanders walks away as Homer burns his hedge] Ha, ha, ha!

Marge

Homie, you can't just reroute the gas line. Do you know how dangerous that is?

Homer

[shaking the statue] Do not anger Tocki Ticki! [dropping the statue which catches on fire] I am all power- Aargh! [Worried] I'll be at Moe's! [climbs over the fence]

Bart

You did it, Dad!

Homer

[drunk] You can't prove I did it.

Lisa

No, you saved our lives.

Homer

I could do a lot of things if I had some money.

What you need is a good, long rest. I suggest Florida.

Homer

Florida? But that's America's wang!

They prefer, "The Sunshine State."

Lisa

Mom! Bart's sitting next to me!

Bart

Mom! Lisa's growing!

Marge

Quiet, you two! You know your father just had a breakdown.

Homer

[Holding a pennant that says "Mental"] My pockets hurt!

Bart

Hey, this isn't real. This is printed by the Montana Militia.

Homer

[threateningly] It'll be real soon enough!

Marge

[to Homer for his actions] This family has hit a new low. We're on the run from the law, totally lost... no car, no money, no clean clothes... and it's all your fault!

Homer

I love being married.

Homer

"I…8…P P?" [sees Bart writing then turns red in anger and strangles him] Why you little…!

Better, or worse?

Homer

Worse!

Better, or worse?

Homer

[still in different voice] Much better!

Lisa

Oh, Mom, I want to be a dancer!

Marge

That's wonderful, dear. We should ask your father, though. [looks around] Where is he, anyway?

Kearney

[doing a strained, poor impersonation of Marge] Now, Homie, when we get to the liquor store, buy me some Jack Daniel's and a carton of smokes.

Homer

Yes, dear.

Marge

[despite that Lisa is not in stage anymore] Where is Lisa?

Homer

[anxiously] This plot is hard enough to follow as it is.