Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Mr. Burns

I would like to join your bowling team.

Homer

You want to join my what?

You want to what his team?

Homer

Hey, everybody! If you wanna ask Burns for a favor, now's the time! He's doped up or dying or something! [Hans Moleman enters Burns' office]

Hans

Uh, excuse me, I'd like to request $17 for a push-broom rebristling.

Why, it's that delightful TV leprechaun! I'm going to get your Lucky Charms. [pulls out a drill and points it at Moleman's head.]

Hans

[offscreen] Oh no, my brains...

Homer

He spanked you? [He's angry and points at Bart.] You? Bart Simpson?

Bart

I begged him to stop, but he said it was for the good of the nation.

Grampa

Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by Presidents till the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions.

Marge

Grampa, I know in your day, spanking was common, but Homer and I just don't believe in that kind of punishment.

Grampa

And that's why your no-good kids are running wild!

Homer

First, Bush invades my home turf, then he takes my pals, then makes fun of the way I talk -- probably. Now, he steals my right to raise a disobedient, smart-alecky son! WELL, THAT'S IT!

Homer

Huh. Look at those phonies, sucking up to Bush. [Santa's Little Helper barks and runs off after them] I guess you might say he's barking up the wrong Bush. [laughs]

Well there it is, Homer: the cleverest thing you'll ever say and nobody heard it.

Homer

D'oh!

Marge

[picks up a toy pistol] Well, we don't need this.

Homer

[ecstatic] Whic-- Marge! That's the Rhinestone Nights fashion gun! [holds a leather jacket] I need it to rhinestone up my old clothing.

Marge

Who's Disco Stu?

Homer

Uhh, I wanted to write "Disco Stud", but I ran out of space. Not that Disco Stu didn't get his share of the action!

Homer

[singing, to the tune of "Big Spender"] Hey big spender! Dig this blender! Rainbow suspenders! Hey big spender!

[singing] We surrender!

Homer

[singing] Spe-e-e-e-e-end some dough at table three!

Homer

Thank you neighbors, thank you! Now let's give it up for table five! [singing, to the tune of "Stayin' Alive"] Ah, ah, ah, ah, table five, table five! Ah, ah, ah, ah, table fi-i-i-i-i-i-i-ive...

Homer

For the last time Bush, apologize for spanking my boy!

Never. You make him apologize for destroying my memoirs.

Homer

[to Bart] You didn't tell me you destroyed his memoirs. [to Bush] NEVER!

Homer

Look at these low, low prices on famous brand-name electronics!

Bart

Don't be a sap, Dad. These are just crappy knock-offs!

Homer

Pfft! I know a genuine Panaphonics when I see one. And look, there's Magnetbox and Sorny.

Mr. Burns

Use an open faced club. A sand wedge.

Homer

Mmm, open faced club sandwich.

Great shot Homer.

Homer

You really think so?

Yeah. Now all you need is your own set of clubs. And stay the hell out of my locker! You can keep the shoes.

Homer

[ringing bell] Hear ye, hear ye! Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all! Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world!

Chief Wiggum

My God, he is fabulous!

Principal Skinner

He's embiggened that role with his cromulent performance.

Mr. Burns

[yelps as he turns on the lamp] 60 watts! What do you think this is, a tanning salon?! [cut to Mr. Burns in bed, his nightcap is stiff and pointy] I asked for light starch on my nightcap! [Homer yelps as Mr. Burns pokes him with the nightcap] [cut to Mr. Burns at dinner, soaking Homer with his drink] You call this postum?! [cut to Mr. Burns in his office as he knocks over Homer's stack of paper] You call this a tax return?! [cut to Mr. Burns hitting a generator with a cane, causing it to spew out smoke and sparks of electricity] You call this a super computer?! [cut to Mr. Burns throwing sheets of paper, pencils, and a book at Homer] You're a travesty of a joke of an assistant!

Marge

Is there something wrong, Homie?

Homer

No.

Marge

Except?

Homer

Except... I killed Mr. Burns!

Lisa

What happened, Dad?

Homer

I punched Burns right in his 104-year-old face!

Lisa

Are you sure he's dead? Maybe you just really, really hurt him.

Marge

Okay, maybe everything is alright. Maybe if you go apologize, he might not even fire you... if he's alive.

Mr. Burns

Simpson? Simpson! Did you get that report on the accounting department?

Homer

Yes sir I did. [pulls out the report] The accounting department is located on the third floor. Its hours are 9AM to 5PM. The head of this department is a Mr.Johnston or Johnstone. [Mr.Burns grabs Homer's report, angrily crumples it up, and drops it]

Homer

Here are your messages: "You have 30 minutes to move your car," "You have 10 minutes," "Your car has been impounded," "Your car has been crushed into a cube," "You have 30 minutes to move your cube."

Homer

[answering] Hello, Mr. Burns' office.

Mr. Burns

Is it about my cube?

Homer

Its Mr. Smithers. He's calling for you.

Montgomery Burns' office. Oh hello, Mrs Burns. I'll see if your son is available.

Homer

Mr. Burns has a mother? She must be 100 million years old!

[to Homer] She has limited capacities. All she can do is dial and yell. [talks back to Mrs Burns] I'm sorry, Monty can't come to the phone right now. He's in a very important meeting and can't be disturbed. [shot of Burns trying to avoid falling asleep] Uh-huh... okay, I'll give him the message. [hangs up] Mr. Burns can't stand talking to his mother. He never forgave her for having that affair with President Taft.

Homer

[chuckling] Taft, you old dog!

[enters Moe's Tavern] Uh... hello. Got a help wanted sign on the window?

Uh, yeah. I need someone to help me with the midnight beer delivery. Your job is to distract Barney until it's safely off the truck.

I'll just wait out back until then.

Barney

I look forward to working with you!

Homer

Mr. Smithers wait! You can't let yourself end up in a place like this. You've got two choices. You can give up on yourself and take the Barney-guarding job like so many of us have contemplated in our darkest moments. Or you can admit to yourself that there's only one person that can make you happy and do whatever it takes to get them back!

You're right! But I'm gonna need your help.

Oh My God!

Beer delivery. Just sign here. Oh, No! It's you!

Barney

[laughing] [Truck Driver: Hey!] Oh boy! [Truck Driver: give me that!] No! [empty metal containers rolling] [burps loudly]