Michael Scott quotes from The Office (US)

Michael

[re: downsizing] Am I going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.

Michael

People I respect, heroes of mine, would be: Bob Hope, um, Abraham Lincoln, definitely, Bono... uh, and probably God would be the fourth one. And, I just think all those people really, uh, helped the world in so many ways, that it's, um, it's really beyond words. It's really incalculcable.

Michael

Hi, I'm Michael Scott Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because Today is almost over.

Michael

Abraham Lincoln once said that "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North," and those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.

Michael

When I retire, I--I don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I want to be the guy who gives everything back. I want it to be like: "Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?" "Umm, well, uh, I don't know. It was anonymous." "Well, guess what? That was Michael Scott!" "But-- it was anonymous, how do you know?" "...Because I'm him!"

Michael

A lot of the people here don't get trophies very often, like Meredith or Kevin, I mean who's going to give Kevin an award, Dunkin' Donuts? Plus, bonus, it's really really funny. So I, you know, an employee will go home, and he'll tell his neighbor, “Hey, did you get an award?” And the neighbor will say, “No man. I mean I slave all day and nobody notices me.” Next thing you know, employee smells something terrible coming from the neighbor's house. Neighbor's hanged himself, due to lack of recognition.

Michael

Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he's not really a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family.

Michael

Yes, I was the first one out. And yes, I've heard "women and children first". But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweatshop, thankfully. And women are equal in the workplace by law. So if I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands.

Michael

I did not go to business school. You know who else didn't go to business school? LeBron James, Tracy McGrady, Kobe Bryant. They went right from high school to the NBA, so…so it's not the same thing. At all.

Michael

Would I rather be feared or loved? Umm... easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

Michael

[on the phone] I don't understand... you want to see other people? ...Only other people?

Michael

Happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame.

Michael

Stupid corporate wet blankets. Like booze ever killed anyone.

Michael

I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon--sue me--and since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So most nights before I go to bed I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious. It's good for me. It's the perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped down on my foot. That's it. I don't see what's so hard to believe about that.

Michael

I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming and would applaud as I walked away.

Michael

Last week I would've given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would've reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them, but now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask so they can hear me say, "Uhh... no, I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney."