Ryan Howard quotes from The Office (US)

Ryan

If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know that I'd ever been here. And I'd forget, too.

Ryan

Yeah, I'm not a temp anymore. I got Jim's old job. Which means at my ten year high school reunion, it will not say "Ryan Howard is a temp". It will say "Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a midrange paper supply firm". [pause] That'll show 'em.

Ryan

I miss the days when there was only one party I didn't want to go to.

Ryan

Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed's brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I've read some of it. Even for the Internet, it's... pretty shocking.

Ryan

Psychiatrists tend to be more crazy than their patients. Therapists are whores. Psychiatry is a narcissism machine. I learned more from Dr Suess than Dr Freud. Earth. You don't have to be crazy to live here, but it helps. I don't know, just use the best one.

Michael

[points at Dwight's stapler inside the Jell-O] What is that?

Dwight

That's my stapler.

Michael

No, no, no! Do not take it out. You have to eat it out of there, because there are starving people in the world, which I hate, and it is a waste of that kind of food.

Dwight

OK, you know what? [to Ryan] You can be a witness. Can you reprimand him, please?

Jim

[eating cherry Jell-O] How do you know it was me?

Dwight

It's always you. Are you going to discipline him or not?

Michael

Oooh, discipline. Kinky! [chuckles] Alright, here's the deal you guys. The thing about a practical joke is that you have to know when to start and as well as when to stop.

Dwight

Yeah.

Michael

And yeah. Jim, this is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into Jell-O.

Jim

OK. Dwight, I'm sorry, because I have always been your biggest flan.

Michael

[laughs] Nice. That's the way it is around here. It just kind of goes round and round.

Ryan

You should've put him in custardy.

Michael

Hey! Yes! New guy! He scores.

Dwight

OK, that's great. I guess what I'm most concerned with is damage to company property. That's all.

Michael

Pudding. Pudding... I'm trying to think of another dessert to do.

Phyllis

Everyone, this is my boyfriend Bob.

Kevin

Kevin Malone.

Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.

Stanley

Stanley Hudson.

Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.

Ryan

Ryan Howard.

Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.

Ryan

What line of work you in, Bob?

Stanley

[after Kelly tells him about Ryan talking to Stanley's daughter] That little girl is a child. I don't wanna see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon. Do you understand?

Ryan

Yes s-

Stanley

Boy, have you lost your mind, 'cause I'll help you find it! Whatcha lookin' for? Ain't nobody gonna help you out there! Jesus is gonna come through that door and he's not gonna help you if you don't stop sniffing after my child!

Ryan

Okay.

Ryan

Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.

Dwight

Just as you have planted your seed into the ground, I will plant my seed into you.

Ryan

I don't think you know what you're saying.

Michael

I ran down Meredith in my car.

Ryan

Did you do this on purpose?

Michael

No, I was being negligent. But she's in the hospital. She's fine, recovering nicely. Tiny little crack in her pelvis. But she will be up in--

Ryan

Did this happen on company property?

Michael

Yes. It was on company property with company property, so... double jeopardy. We're fine.

Ryan

I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.

Michael

Oh right, I'm sorry. What is, "We're fine?"

Michael

Ryan just so you know, one of my salesmen beat your stupid computer asshole

Ryan

That`s Michael, Always with a joke

If anyone is listening, i`m being held here against my will, I`m a minor.

Ryan

Do you have a question, Kelly?

Kelly

Yeah, I have a lot of questions. Number one: how dare you?

Ryan

Kelly.

Kelly

Oh, hello Ryan. You look well.

Ryan

I wanted to say I'm sorry... for treating you bad the past couple years. I was in my mid twenties and I was going through a lot of stuff. I think I never fully processed 9/11.

Andy

Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! We actually sat down, and did the math.

Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's how many minutes, that you've worked here.

Pam

In costumes!

Jim

And impressions!

Toby

In meetings.

And cups of coffee.

Kevin

For birthdays!

Stanley

More meetings and...

...E-mail forwards you made us read.

Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's like watching Die Hard, eighty thousand times!

Meredith

You hit me with your car!

Ryan

You helped me get off drugs!

Creed

I watch you when you sleep.

Oscar

I forgive you for kissing me!

Remember to call. Call. Remember to call. Call. Remember to call. Call.

Call, text or e-mail, or call.

Deangelo

[falsetto] Measure your life in love!

Remember to call, remember to call. Remember to call.

Toby

You know it's not just pregnant women who don't get their due. You know who's gorgeous? Helen Mirren.


Ryan

Yes! Have you seen her in a bikini? Amazing.

Toby

You know what would be the hottest thing ever? It's a pregnant Helen Mirren.