“Search Committee” quotes from The Office (US)

Stanley

I worked for the last boss for 15 years. According to my doctor, I don't have another 15 years if I want to keep up the same dietary and sexual lifestyle. Which I intend to.

Pam

[Pretending to be a client so Creed doesn't ruin the company] Hello, this is...the client.

Creed

It's Creed. FYI, I'm starting my own paper company, looking to poach some chumps. You in?

Pam Beesly

Yes.

Creed

[Laughs] Cool. Let's keep this on the QT, OK? I don't want you to be a dead mama jama.

Robert California

You see, I sit across from a man. I see his face. I see his eyes. Now does it matter if he wants a hundred dollars worth of paper or a hundred million dollars of deep sea drilling equipment? Don't be a fool. He wants respect. He wants love. He wants to be younger. He wants to be attractive. There is no such thing as a product. Don't ever think there is. There is only sex. Everything is sex. You understand what I'm telling you is a universal truth, Toby.

Kelly

Well, I manage my department, and I've been doing that for several years now. And, God, I've learned a lot of life lessons along the way.

Jim

Your department's just you, right?

Kelly

Yes, Jim, but I am not easy to manage.

Gabe

What are your weaknesses?

Kelly

I don't have any, asshole.

First, I'll take down the cubicle walls. Singular transparency. There'd be no titles. Everyone has the same job. Same goes for me. I'll take your job by rejecting the title. Everyone will be known for their accomplishments.

Jim

That's very interesting. Um, I feel like there might be a conflict there. And if a conflict did arise, how would that be dealt with?

Oh... yeah... Scratch everything from before. I'll tell you what: Go the other way. More cubicles. More division. Everyone is somebody's boss. And that person can fire the person below them. And once a month, the lowest person... [Imitates cutting throat] Buh-bye.

Gabe

Shut up about the sun. SHUT UP ABOUT THE SUN!!