SpongeBob SquarePants Season 5 quotes

SpongeBob

Let's take this to the Bikini Bottom Museum. They'll know what it is.

Squidward

You dimwits haven't even been here two minutes and you've already messed up someone's topiary garden.

These Atlanteans leave a room full of the most advanced weaponry unguarded? No wonder they got lost.

Patchy

Well, bad news, kids. Encino's still lost. [The radio starts playing] Oh! But, at least I got me radio fixed! [Patchy snaps his fingers while listening to it, then it explodes] Well, enjoy the rest of the show.

Well, shall we continue on with the rest of the tour?

Sandy

Y'all head out without me. [goes back inside]

Well, then, good luck, have fun. We'll see you at dinner. [to SpongeBob] Your friend Sandy certainly is an excitable one.

SpongeBob

Quite.

Squidward

Somehow I knew I'd get stuck with you yahoos the longest.

Patchy

[realizes that there is no water left] This is the end of Patchy. No water, no food, and still no Encino. And here come the vultures to pick me bones! [Potty flies up] Shiver me timbers! It's Potty! I wonder what parrot tastes like... Come back here! Uh-oh. Here come the hallucinations.

SpongeBob

[laughs] Patchy, it's me. SpongeBob SquarePants. [Patchy is excited and laughs weakly] Don't lose hope. Everything will be all right when you get to Encino.

Patchy

But, Encino is gone.

SpongeBob

It's not gone, if you believe.

Patchy

Believe, believe. [falls asleep. Wakes up and reads the sign] Welcome to Encino! It's back! [hugs the sign] SpongeBob was right! All I had to do was believe! [laughs cheerfully]

Patchy

[drops his ice-cream scoop and we hear strange sounds. Potty squawks, and then pokes Patchy] Ow! Ow! It was all a hallucination. Encino's still... gone! [Patchy groans] Ooh, a sandwich. Potty, you're a lifesaver. [opens a sandwich] Oh! Oh, Potty, you know I don't like mayo! [sees a vulture] Here, you want some? Go on. Uh... take it. I don't like the mayonnaise, you know. Once it gets up above 130, 135, the mayonnaise gets kind of... grody, you know.

Patrick

Plankton's wrath tastes like ice cream!

Thanks, Plankton!

Ice cream? It shoots ICE CREAM?! [jumps out of the tank] Oversized ice cream maker! [childishly kicks the tank but hops around in pain] Yah! Ouch! Ouch!

Look! A talking speck! This talking speck will make a fantastic [glares at SpongeBob and Patrick] replacement for our recently deflated national treasure! [looks at Plankton and speaks in a babyish tone] Won't you, little fella?

I'll destroy all of you...!

[squeezes Plankton within his hands] Amazing! This is so much better than that dusty old bubble!

[is later seen in a baby bottle cage] You haven't seen the last of me! When I get out of here, I'll hunt you all down like a pack of... [someone takes a picture] Hey! Can't you read? [points at sign] No flash photography.

Patchy

Pretty good story; eh, kids? [he bumps into something, revealing a glass-shaped dome with city things] I found Encino, but it's all tiny! Someone must've... [panics, sees aliens and screams]

Sorry, sir. Our son Norblock Five was messing with his shrink-a-tron again.

Patchy

No, no, no! I want Encino full-sized again! There's no place like home. There's no place like home.

Okay. Hand it over, Norblock-5. [Norblock Five pulls out a remote and gives it to his mother] We'll fix your town, beardy.

Patchy

Beardy? [the town grows]

Patchy

Well, looks like everything's back to the right size; eh, Potty? [Potty was nowhere to be seen] Potty? [a giant Potty foot crushes him] Well, kids. I'm a little busy right now, but be sure to come back real soon for more of your old pal Patchy! Ow! And more SpongeBob Squarepants! Potty, will you get off of me?

What brings you to Dead Eye Gulch, stranger?

Strange is right.

SpongeBuck

The name's SpongeBuck. I left home to make my way here in the big city. I'm here for the job. [holds up a paper that says 'Sheriff Wanted']

Wonderful! You're hired. [gives him a badge] Hey everybody! Meet our new sheriff! [everyone cheers]

SpongeBuck

Sheriff? I'm not here for the sheriff job. I'm here for the fry cook job. [holds up the same paper but points to an ad that says "Fry cook wanted Low pay/No Benefits"] Back home, I'm known for my rootin-tootin, never-pootin chili. The spiciest chili west of the old west farm. [Krabs tries it and spits it out]

No offense, kid. But your chili tastes terrible.

SpongeBuck

In a good way?

No, in a terrible way. Look, we already gave you the badge. And the law of the west says: no take backs!

Since when?

Shshshshshsh! So that means, you're the new sheriff!

SpongeBuck

What happened to the old sheriff?

Uh, he's at Boot Hill. [shows a picture of a cemetery with a sign saying Boot Hill]

SpongeBuck

Gasp! And, why is he at boot hill?

Because Old Dead Tree Hill was totally full. [shows a picture of a full cemetery with a sign saying "Old Dead Tree Hill"]

SpongeBuck

Whoa, gal, whoa! Whoa! [trips on a rock] Looks like the end of the trail. We're out of food, [shows his arm, with no hand] water, and lip balm! [lip balm turns to dust, SpongeBuck's lips crack and break off] I'm sorry, old Paint! Guess I have to put you out your misery! So long, old friend! [is about to saw coffin in half]

Hey, buddy, you better be careful. Heat does funny things to your head.

SpongeBuck

It does?

Oh, don't listen to that guy, kid! He's looney! [both laugh, SpongeBuck laughs, Pecos Patrick laughs]

Oh, hey SpongeBuck! Those guys are a barrel of laughs, huh? But lazy! Anyway, you've got to get back and save the town, sheriff!

SpongeBuck

I ain't no sheriff. Or fry cook or even coffin jockey, and I'm no match for Dead Eye Plankton! I'm nothing.

[slaps SpongeBuck]Out west, a man gets right back up on his coffin and faces his problems with the help of his idiot sidekick friend! That's me! [shows a badly drawn picture of himself] Duhhh...

SpongeBuck

I don't know. [Pecos Patrick slaps him again] Okay, okay! I'll do it! Just stop hurtin' me! Besides, you're right! It's time I stepped up and looked him in the eye! So, I'll go back to Dead Eye Gulch, whip Plankton, and save the town at high noon!

Hop on, buddy!

SpongeBuck

Thanks, idiot friend! But I don't know how we'll ever get back to Dead Eye Gulch by high noon.

Don't worry. I got a short-cut. He-ya! [starts riding coffin, rides over a cliff, both land on a cactus, both start flying toward Dead Eye Gulch]

SpongeBuck

Hey, everybody! It's good to be here at the Krusty Kantina! We got a real special show for y'all tonight! Featuring my new best pal, this guy! [Pecos Patrick gets on stage] He's an idiot! [everyone cheers]

So, what are we gonna sing about, SpongeBuck?

SpongeBuck

We're gonna sing a song about friends!

What kind of friends, SpongeBuck?

SpongeBuck

Well, listen up and I'll tell you! ♪Who's there for you when you are sad and down?♪

♪Idiot Friends!♪

♪Who picks you up and slaps you all around?♪

♪Idiot Friends!♪

SpongeBuck

♪Who puts thorns in you so you can save the town?♪

♪Idiot Friends, Idiot Friends--♪

♪--Idiot Friends!♪

♪Duh, duh duh duh du duh duh do.♪

♪Idiot Friends!♪

♪Dah de da da da da da do.♪

♪Idiot Friends!♪

♪De da da da-doodle, duh do.♪ You know, SpongeBuck, all we've been singing about is what I've done for you. Well, what have you done for me? [Dead Eye pulls his pants down and laughs]

SpongeBuck

♪Who helps you pick your pants up off the ground?♪

Thanks, buddy!

Curses!

Only an idiot friend would do that!

SpongeBuck

Let's bring it home, idiot friend!

Okay.

SpongeBuck

♪Who lets you ride on his coffin?♪

♪Who slaps you hard and often?♪

SpongeBuck

♪What do you and me have in common?♪

♪We're idiot friends!♪ [everyone cheers]

SpongeBuck

Thank you, thank you very much. [the epilogue and the episode ends]

[running to Squidward] Squidward! Where the barnacles is SpongeBob? This place is going down the toilet! Patties need flipping!

Squidward

If I knew, do you think I'd be standing here getting yelled at by a bunch of morons?

Don't talk back to your superior officer, you...

Sandy

Squidward! Mr. Krabs! Y'all seen SpongeBob?

Squidward

I think we just went through this...

What he means to say is, no, we haven't.

Sandy

Well, apparently, he's left Bikini Bottom, and he ain't coming back. [hands Mr. Krabs the note]

Let me see that. [begins to read] To whom that may concern, [muttering] ...aka... aka? Idiot Boy? [shocked] Idiot Boy?! [horrified, he realizes that the letter was written by SpongeBob because everyone called him Idiot Boy] It is SpongeBob! What am I gonna do without me fry cook?!

Patrick

What am I gonna do without my best friend?! I should never have been mean to you! [starts to cry]

Sandy

I should have never kicked you out of my house! [starts to cry as her helmet fills up with her tears]

Squidward

[voice breaking] If I'd known that was the last time I'd see SpongeBob, I would have [happily] slammed the door in his face even harder! [he happily starts guffawing, while Patrick and Sandy are still crying]

All right, group meeting! Everybody out! The Krusty Krab's closed until further notice! [closes the doors] Now, how do you propose we find me money-making employee? [he and the others gather around]

Whoo, I live in a dump! [bumps into a green fish]

Hey, watch where you're stepping!

Sorry, sir, I was just--

I know what you was doing, you was doing the old "bump into the sucker and reach into his pockets and take his change" routine! Well, it ain't gonna work this time! You want money? Get a job, you deadbeat.

I'm a jobless deadbeat? What a sad existence I don't remember I lead. [fade to black. Cut back to him. His tummy is grumbling] Ooh, seems like I'm running on empty. [checks his pockets and sighs] Not a penny to my name. Aw, I guess if I want to fill the hole in my gut, I'll need to find a job somewhere. [notices a bank sign that says "Help Wanted"] Help wanted?

Sandy

Listen up, y'all! I got a plan to bring back SpongeBob.

You do?

Sandy

Yup, and it involves this. [shows a device] It'll track any sponge within a 50-mile radius.

Squidward

So, you're saying this thing can actually find SpongeBob? [holds the device]

Sandy

You got it, Squid Cakes, but it's gonna take all of us to find-- [Squidward smashes the device with a mallet]

[gasp]

Squidward

[holding the mallet while panting heavily like a maniac] Oops, I dropped it.

[becomes infuriated that his nose inflates and bursts like a balloon, with a large amount of water coming out of it] Mr. Squidward! This device was me last chance to get this place back into ship shape! And since you destroyed it, I am ordering you to find SpongeBob!

Squidward

[laughs] I wouldn't seek out that twit for all the leotards of the sea.

If you don't find him, you'll be out of a job forever.

Squidward

Ha! Is that your version of a threat?

Oh, Squidward, don't forget your retirement gift.

Squidward

Mr. Krabs, I am not interested in any---- [gasps] Is that a handcrafted, jewel-encrusted, ornamental egg? That'll complete my collection! [he runs to the egg] Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, Mr. Krabs!

[stops Squidward, who falls to the floor] Not so fast! Bring back me number-one fry cook first.

Sandy

Here it is! You must recognize this place.

Nope.

Don't recognize the Krusty Krab? Stop your kidding, boy. [takes out the greasy spatula that SpongeBob used to use] And start frying up them patties.

[holds the spatula] I was a fry cook before?

Aye, the best in the business. Now get flipping.

Look, guys, as much as I'd love to toil the days away flipping burgers, [leaves] I think I'll just go back to my modest job [drops the spatula] as mayor of a major city.

Squidward

Whoo-hoo-hoo, SpongeBob's leaving for real this time! [to Mr. Krabs] Mr. Krabs, I brought back your number one fry cook. You gotta pay up.

All right, Mr. Squidward, a deal's a deal. Here's your fancy egg.

Squidward

Oh, it's beautiful! [Squidward laughs with excitement and is admiring his egg until he slips on the spatula, which sends the egg flying] No...! [when SpongeBob the mayor leaves the Krusty Krab, the egg crashes onto his head. Squidward is upset that his egg is destroyed and a bump rises on the SpongeBob's head]

Sandy

You okay, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob

Yeah, just a bit of a headache, Sandy-- [He looks around the Krusty Krab and realized that his memory is coming back] Hey, I remember this place!

Sandy

SpongeBob's back!

We're really sorry we ran you out of town, boy. But we're glad you're back.

SpongeBob

I'd really love to stay, but the people of New Kelp City need their mayor. [put on the mayor hat again] Goodbye, everyone.

Oh, not again. / What? / Huh?

Squidward

He's leaving, again!

Perch Perkins

[before SpongeBob leaves the Krusty Krab] Stop what you're doing and don't go out that door. [SpongeBob stops and looks at the TV in the Krusty Krab] This is a KNKC special report. Panic in the streets of New Kelp City as rampant bubbles bring visibility down to 0. The angry citizens here blame the apocalyptic scene on Mayor CheeseHead BrownPants and his newly-enacted bubble policy. [gets punched aside by Pirate 12 again]

If I ever see Mayor BrownPants again, I'm gonna grab his little, yellow head and literally rip his—! [screen changes to "We Are Experiencing Technical Difficulties. Share the frustration."]

Where's SpongeBob?

SpongeBob

[rings a bell] Order up! [hands a Krabby Patty on plate] Who wants to be a dumb old mayor when you're the best fry cook in town? [laughs] And how could I ever leave behind my bestest friends?

Patrick

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, Krabby Patty! [eats the Krabby Patty] SpongeBob, another masterpiece.

Sandy

It's great to have you back, Spongy!

SpongeBob

[sighs] Looks like I'm back in Bikini Bottom forever!