SpongeBuck quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

What brings you to Dead Eye Gulch, stranger?

Strange is right.

SpongeBuck

The name's SpongeBuck. I left home to make my way here in the big city. I'm here for the job. [holds up a paper that says 'Sheriff Wanted']

Wonderful! You're hired. [gives him a badge] Hey everybody! Meet our new sheriff! [everyone cheers]

SpongeBuck

Sheriff? I'm not here for the sheriff job. I'm here for the fry cook job. [holds up the same paper but points to an ad that says "Fry cook wanted Low pay/No Benefits"] Back home, I'm known for my rootin-tootin, never-pootin chili. The spiciest chili west of the old west farm. [Krabs tries it and spits it out]

No offense, kid. But your chili tastes terrible.

SpongeBuck

In a good way?

No, in a terrible way. Look, we already gave you the badge. And the law of the west says: no take backs!

Since when?

Shshshshshsh! So that means, you're the new sheriff!

SpongeBuck

What happened to the old sheriff?

Uh, he's at Boot Hill. [shows a picture of a cemetery with a sign saying Boot Hill]

SpongeBuck

Gasp! And, why is he at boot hill?

Because Old Dead Tree Hill was totally full. [shows a picture of a full cemetery with a sign saying "Old Dead Tree Hill"]

SpongeBuck

Whoa, gal, whoa! Whoa! [trips on a rock] Looks like the end of the trail. We're out of food, [shows his arm, with no hand] water, and lip balm! [lip balm turns to dust, SpongeBuck's lips crack and break off] I'm sorry, old Paint! Guess I have to put you out your misery! So long, old friend! [is about to saw coffin in half]

Hey, buddy, you better be careful. Heat does funny things to your head.

SpongeBuck

It does?

Oh, don't listen to that guy, kid! He's looney! [both laugh, SpongeBuck laughs, Pecos Patrick laughs]

Oh, hey SpongeBuck! Those guys are a barrel of laughs, huh? But lazy! Anyway, you've got to get back and save the town, sheriff!

SpongeBuck

I ain't no sheriff. Or fry cook or even coffin jockey, and I'm no match for Dead Eye Plankton! I'm nothing.

[slaps SpongeBuck]Out west, a man gets right back up on his coffin and faces his problems with the help of his idiot sidekick friend! That's me! [shows a badly drawn picture of himself] Duhhh...

SpongeBuck

I don't know. [Pecos Patrick slaps him again] Okay, okay! I'll do it! Just stop hurtin' me! Besides, you're right! It's time I stepped up and looked him in the eye! So, I'll go back to Dead Eye Gulch, whip Plankton, and save the town at high noon!

Hop on, buddy!

SpongeBuck

Thanks, idiot friend! But I don't know how we'll ever get back to Dead Eye Gulch by high noon.

Don't worry. I got a short-cut. He-ya! [starts riding coffin, rides over a cliff, both land on a cactus, both start flying toward Dead Eye Gulch]

SpongeBuck

Hey, everybody! It's good to be here at the Krusty Kantina! We got a real special show for y'all tonight! Featuring my new best pal, this guy! [Pecos Patrick gets on stage] He's an idiot! [everyone cheers]

So, what are we gonna sing about, SpongeBuck?

SpongeBuck

We're gonna sing a song about friends!

What kind of friends, SpongeBuck?

SpongeBuck

Well, listen up and I'll tell you! ♪Who's there for you when you are sad and down?♪

♪Idiot Friends!♪

♪Who picks you up and slaps you all around?♪

♪Idiot Friends!♪

SpongeBuck

♪Who puts thorns in you so you can save the town?♪

♪Idiot Friends, Idiot Friends--♪

♪--Idiot Friends!♪

♪Duh, duh duh duh du duh duh do.♪

♪Idiot Friends!♪

♪Dah de da da da da da do.♪

♪Idiot Friends!♪

♪De da da da-doodle, duh do.♪ You know, SpongeBuck, all we've been singing about is what I've done for you. Well, what have you done for me? [Dead Eye pulls his pants down and laughs]

SpongeBuck

♪Who helps you pick your pants up off the ground?♪

Thanks, buddy!

Curses!

Only an idiot friend would do that!

SpongeBuck

Let's bring it home, idiot friend!

Okay.

SpongeBuck

♪Who lets you ride on his coffin?♪

♪Who slaps you hard and often?♪

SpongeBuck

♪What do you and me have in common?♪

♪We're idiot friends!♪ [everyone cheers]

SpongeBuck

Thank you, thank you very much. [the epilogue and the episode ends]