What do I have to do? Eat one out of the garbage?
[with a big belly walks up to the trash can with a partially eaten Krabby Patty] I wish I could eat this, but I'm so darn full. Oh well. [drops the patty in the garbage]
I had to say garbage... but, okay! [runs to the garbage can. He sees the Krabby Patty. He inhales deeply and eats almost everything in the garbage can. When he lifts up his head, he suddenly realizes the Krabby Patty ends up being the only thing left in the garbage. He extends his tongue, revealing all the trash he ate. He spits out what's in his mouth and grabs the Krabby Patty]
Oh no! [runs over and grabs it out of Squidward's hand] What's this doing here?! This patty should be cremated! [runs to the furnace, throws it in, and cries. Squidward walks up] I know you didn't like him, but... it means so much that you came. [runs off and Squidward cries]
Hmm, honey...? [wakes up] What? [groaning] Ohh! I have got to get my hands on a Krabby Patty! And no one's gonna stop me! [runs out of his house, panting, but tiptoes past SpongeBob's house, then pants some more to the Krusty Krab, putting his face up against the door] There it is unguarded! All I have to do is--! Wait, it's too easy. There must be some kind of security? [sees dripping coming from above the door inside and looks up and notices a bucket] This is our burglar alarm? A bucket of water? Ha-ha. [walks in, knocking the bucket off the door] That was too easy. [sniffs] Hey, this isn't water. This is gas! [A robotic arm with an ignited match drops it, lighting a screaming Squidward on fire, who runs all the way into the kitchen, where another bucket of gas falls on him and then fire is seen again, as he screams again in pain. Finally, he walks up to the Patty Vault, wide-eyed, and opens the door to reveal hundreds and hundreds of Krabby Patties. In later TV airings, after Squidward says "There it is...", the camera zooms in on the Patty Vault, and Squidward does the same routine after the zoom in; he gasps] Holy shrimp! I don't know where to start. [picks up a patty] All that matters is that it's just you... and me... and nobody...
Squidward? [Squidward's face drops] Is that you?
[turns around] SpongeBob? Uh, uh, uh... what are you doing here? [points at SpongeBob. While pointing at him, he notices he's showing the patty in his hand and puts it behind his back again]
[takes off his green hat] I always come to work at 3:00 AM. This is when I count the sesame seeds. What are you doing here?
And why is the patty vault open?
And why are you holding a patty behind your back?
I... I... I... no, I didn't do...
And why are you acting so nervous? And why are you sweating so much? And why do you look so hungry? And... [stops, and grins very smugly]
No, no, wait...it's not what you think. Th-This is a big misunderstanding. You've got to believe me, I... Listen, I am telling you! You better listen to me, SpongeBob!
You like Krabby Patties, don't you, Squidward?
[slams the vault door, and emerges from the big piles of Krabby Patties happily] Yes! Yes! I admit it, SpongeBob! I LOVE KRABBY PATTIES! [eats two patties]
SpongeBob I knew it all along, Squidward. No one can resist a Krabby Patty. [Squidward eats a bunch of Krabby Patties in all sorts of ways, even a dozen at a time] Squidward! How many are you eating? Squidward! [Squidward keeps eating all the Krabby Patties in the vault, Pac-Man style] Squidward, you can't eat all those patties at one time! SQUIDWARD!
What's gonna happen? Am I gonna blow up?
No, worse - it'll go right to your thighs!
My thighs? [pan down showing Squidward's enlarged thighs]
[Then the Krusty Krabs explodes. We see the ambulence carrying Squidward's head while the physician carries a bucket of Squidward's body]
PPhysician
[chuckles] I remember my first Krabby Patty...
[Episode ends]
FFlats
Hi, SpongeBob. I'm gonna kick your butt.
Whoa! [giggles] That joke was almost funnier the second time!
FFlats
[gets close to SpongeBob] No, I mean it.
[giggles again] That time it almost seemed like... [Flats tears off his chest hair revealing "I MEAN IT".] ...you did mean it. [Mrs. Puff is writing on the board] Mrs. Puff?
Can I be excused for the rest of my life?
It must’ve been years since we seen each other. Oh, let me get going, he”s Gotta go back to school, soon, he says he’s gonna kick somebody’s butt.
Hello, is this pizza castle?
[SpongeBob slams to a door]
Oh Gary, I'm too young to have my butt kicked! There are so many things in life I haven't gotten to do! [cut to SpongeBob in an office building at a desk, on the phone] Hang on, I'll transfer your call. [cut back to a knock on the door] Who is it? [door falls down. SpongeBob sees Flats and screams] Flats!
FFlats
It's butt-kicking time!
Gary, there's something I want you to know, but I'm too scared to remember what it is. [Flats cracks his knuckles more and more. SpongeBob breathes harder and harder. Flats brushes his teeth and gargles. SpongeBob breathes harder]
Go away, Gary. I don't want you to see this. It'll be ugly. [Gary gets out a camera from his shell]
Hold on. [puts a blindfold over his eyes] Okay, I'm ready. [Flats punches SpongeBob, but it doesn't hurt him] I said I'm ready. [Flats tries again but same result happens] Didn't you hear me? I said I'm ready. [Flats punches him again and this time SpongeBob giggles] That tickles. [Flats keeps punching him but nothing seems to hurt SpongeBob] Gary, I'm absorbing his blows like I was made of some kind of spongy material! Do you know what that means? I get to go to work tomorrow! [cut to next day where SpongeBob is in the Krusty Krab kitchen, grilling, and Flats is still punching SpongeBob, then scene cuts to him playing cards with Gary] You have any sevens?
[chasing jellyfish, walking out of the bathroom, sleeping, and eating breakfast, while Flats is still punching him. Cut to boating school as SpongeBob is sitting at his desk and Flats is punching, but is now exhausted. He passes out due to exhaustion] Flats, are you okay? [everyone cheers] Do not cheer me, my fellow adult classmates. Flats was the real victim here. A victim of a society that's riding down a violent road to nowhere; a road I call... [clenches fist] ...'violence road'.
[walks in] Sorry I'm late, class, I... [gasps as she sees SpongeBob's fist and Flats on the ground] SpongeBob! I can't believe you beat up a new student! [zoom out of school] I'm going to kick your butt!
[Episode ends]
We interrupt this can-can for a special news bulletin! Be on the lookout for a man who's been passing himself off as a health inspector in order to obtain free food! That's all for now.
[infuriated] FREE FOOD?!?!
Maybe we oughta tell our guy about the phony impostor.
You loony loofah, he is the impostor! We've been duped!
We've been smeckledorfed!
That's not even a word and I agree with ya!
We interrupt your laughter at other people's expense to bring you this news flash! The fake inspector has been captured! Here is his picture. [The photo of the impostor is shown; he looks nothing like the health inspector that visited the Krusty Krab] If a health inspector comes to your restaurant and he's not this guy, he's real.
Phew, that's a relief, eh, Mr. Krabs? I'm sure our guy will understand if we just explain the situation. Then we can all have a good laugh about it.
[gasps] I don't think he'll be laughin', boy.
Because that patty KILLED HIM!
[The two scream, then check the inspector before screaming again]
Mr. Krabs, what are we gonna do?!
What's this "we" stuff? You fed him the tainted patty! Looks like it's the stony lonesome for you!
But you told me to give it to him!
Well, you could've talked me out of it!
First we establish a base camp at 15,000 feet.
The noises! How are you two making those noises?
Well, that's easy. All you need is a box.
And... imagination. [forms a rainbow with his hands]
Are you trying to say I have no imagination? I have more..."imagination" in one tentacle than you two have in your whole bodies.
That's good. Now all you need is a box.
I gotta try to relax. Perhaps I can drown out their childish games with a little TV...
[He turns on the TV to see a show with boxes on a conveyor belt in a factory]
MTMale TV narrator
It is here that the boxes reach their final stage of assembly.
[Changes the channel to an old professor talking about a box equation on a chalkboard.]
PProfessor
The equation is illustrated here by zis box.
[Changes the channel to a soap opera with Nat Peterson and Incidental 48]
I couldn't afford a present this year... so I got ya this box. [holds up a box]
I4Incidental 48
That's what I got you! [holds up another box]
Isn't there anything on that isn't about boxes?!
[Changes the channel to a boxing match on TV]
AAnnouncer
And welcome back to Championship Boxing!
Heh-heh, I guess this is okay. I mean, it's not really about boxes.
[Shows two boxes "boxing" each other in the ring]
[Bubble transition as he looks in his closet] There's gotta be one in here! [finds a small, round green box] Ah! This hat box should do nicely. [pulls out a Mexican sombrero] Why haven't I worn this yet? [throws it off-screen, gets in the box, but he is too big for it and then just sits there. He then frowns with smoking present, looks at his watch, and then gets mad and kicks the box. Police sirens are heard]
PIPoliceman Inside Box
Attention! We have you surrounded! Come out with your hands up!
What do they want with me? What did I do? [gasps] Obviously I violated some new box kicking law. [walks out of his house showing the green box] Look, officers, everything's okay. I won't do it again.
CICriminal Inside Box
You'll never take me alive, coppers!
MIMan Inside Box
No, Johnny! Don't do it! [Police sirens are heard. Squidward gets angry and kicks his green box toward SpongeBob and Patrick's box]
[opens box and sirens stop] Whoopee! Another box! [takes the hat box and closes the box they're sitting in and police sirens are heard again]
[The two are trying to reverse the effects of a shrink ray on Mermaid Man's utility belt]
You know what the problem is?
You got it set to "M" for "mini"... [turns the "M" on the belt upside down] ...When it should be set to "W" for "wumbo".
Patrick, I don't think "wumbo" is a real word.
Come on! You know. I wumbo, you wumbo, he she me, wumbo! Wumbo, wumboing ...
[thinking] I wonder if a fall from this height would be enough to kill me.
...Wumbology - the study of wumbo? It's first grade, Spongebob.
Patrick, I'm sorry I doubted you.
