SpongeBob, what have you done with my clarinet?
Ooh, Squidward, you're so hard-boiled. Are you playing a game? Oh, oh, can I play?
I know you stole my clarinet! [slapping SpongeBob] Tell me where it is!?
[slapping himself] I don't know! [giggles] It couldn't have been me, Squidward. I have an alibi. I was at Grandma's house all day and I have the kissy marks to prove it. [points to the kissy marks on his head] See? There's room for one more.
[Squidward is grossed out and pushes SpongeBob away]
[narrating] His alibi was solid. Only a family member could stomach putting their lips on this fool.
You know, we have lots of friends. Maybe they could help us find your clarinet.
I don't have friends. I have suspects.
Oh, Squidward, don't you know a suspect is just a friend you haven't cleared of charges yet? [gets pushes down by Squidward] So... can I help you solve your case? Please, please, please?
Try not to get in the way.
Yeah! It's a play-date! I mean... [changes into his detective clothes] All right, I'll partner up with you this time. [flips a coin and it disappears] Huh?
Don't worry, Patrick. A scavenger is always prepared. [pulls out a rope, ties it to a nearby rock and goes to climb down, but the rope isn't long enough] The rope is too short! We need another one!
[throws down a rope] Here!
Thanks, Patrick! Where'd you get another rope?
From that rock! [slips off the edge and falls down into the canyon with SpongeBob, crashing into some stalagmites in the process. They both crash to the ground below the canyon]
[The episode begins at Patrick's house during the night. A shooting star flies in the sky]
Okay, Patrick, one more book, then you go to sleep, 'kay?
This one is called "You Can Be Anything."
[blabbers as he spins over his bed] I can be anything?
Oh, sure you can, pal. [opens the book and shows the page with a fireman pop-out] You can be a firefighter... [the fireman pop-out sprays water in Patrick's face; SpongeBob turns the page that shows a doctor pop-out] You can be a doctor... [Patrick whimpers; SpongeBob turns the page and shows a cowboy pop-out] You can be a cowboy.
That's what I want to be!
No, no, no, no, no! [points to the horse pop out] That.
A horse? [chuckles] Buddy, I don't think you want to be a horse.
You said I can be anything, and I want to be a horse! [His eyes thump SpongeBob's eyes]
Sure, sure, you can be a horse. [tucks Patrick in his sand bed and sighs] Nighty-night, Patrick. [turns out the light and leaves]
[Squidward has replaced SpongeBob's pet translator with a walkie talkie, and speaks into the receiver]
[in his normal voice] Oh, PapaBob... [He realizes his mistake and clears his throat] No, no. [He clears his throat and speaks in a deep, Grumbles Grizzly-type voice] Oh, PapaBob... I'm thirsty.
[oblivious] At this hour? Alright... I'll get you some water.
[looking through the window at a clarinet store] Hmm? Huh? [sees SpongeBob riding Coupe and playing instruments along the way]
Hi, Squidward! [blows a clarinet in Squidward's face]
[bewildered] Oh, I need to erase this from my mind. [pulls his nose to open his head, takes out his brain, erases it clean with a pencil, and puts his brain back in, making him dumb] Duh! What's a SpongeBob?! [drools]
Do I know you, young man?
Patrick, it's me! Remember? [sings his theme song] Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
I don't know... uh, a wizard?
[jumps in a bath] Absorbent and yellow and porous is he! [water squirts out of him] Eeurrgh…
[plays the nose flute in the tune of the end of his song] Bahahaha! The one and only!
What are you two dizzy dingbats doing out here?!
Just treasuring our time together, Squidward.
Well, that time is over! Say good night, go to your separate houses, and be quiet!
[SpongeBob and Patrick whimper and cry]
[cries] I can't do it! I can't be away from my best friend!
[cries] No, it hurts too much! [he and Patrick continue to cry]
Oh, will you two cut it out? [SpongeBob and Patrick stop crying]
Cut it out... Squidward, that's a great idea!
SPSquidward and Patrick
It is?
[SpongeBob takes out a pair of scissors, cuts off part of his head and forms it into a tiny version of himself]
Wow! My turn! [rips his head off and also forms it into a tiny version of himself]
[SpongeBob and Patrick hug each as the tiny versions of themselves hug and dance around]
I think I'm gonna be sick! [gets sick and runs back into his house]
[gives Mini SpongeBob to Patrick] Here you go, Patrick. Now we never have to be apart, even when we're not together. [Patrick gives SpongeBob Mini Patrick]
This is great. See you forever, SpongeBob.
Yeah, see you forever, Patrick. [enters his house and yawns] Time for bed, Tiny Patrick.
[Mini Patrick jumps happily on SpongeBob's hands and hops on his head as SpongeBob goes upstairs. Bubble transition to SpongeBob washing his face with soap and water. Mini Patrick jumps off of SpongeBob's head and dives into the sink. He pops out of the suds and rides on the rubber duck like a cowboy. Bubble transition to Mini SpongeBob brushing Patrick's teeth. However, he shrivels up by the bad odor inside Patrick's mouth and falls into the sink]
[A bus pulls over at the Krusty Krab, now the Krusty Plankton. Lily Plankton comes out and meets up with Plankton and Karen.]
Hi, Grandma. Happy birthday.
Nice to see you again, Grandma Plankton.
LPLily Plankton
[lifts her glasses] Ugh. Who invited C-Pee-Eww? [laughs]
[feels rejected] All right, I tried. [she leaves angrily, running Plankton over]
Owuh! [unsticks his squished body from the road] Let me help you with your bag, Grandma. [gets smacked in the face by Lily's purse] Ouch! [escorts his grandmother into the restaurant] Well, here we are, Grandma. Welcome to the Krusty Plankton. I named it after you.
LPLily Plankton
[pinches Plankton's cheek] Oh, well, aren't you a sweet grandson? [sees SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs] Who are they?
They're just my employees, Grandma. Meet SpongeBob and Eugene.
SKSpongeBob and Mr. Krabs
Hello, Grandma Plankton.
LPLily Plankton
They look like very nice boys, and I'll bet they're even nicer when they're working.
You heard Grandma! We ain't running a welcome wagon here! Get back to work!
[SpongeBob runs back and forth until he jumps back into the kitchen.]
[chuckles] Yeah, sure thing, Plankton. [laughs until Plankton pushes a bucket of cleaning supplies onto Mr. Krabs, making him fall flat on his face on the floor]
[pokes Mr. Krabs' eye] That's Mr. Plankton to you, busboy.
I ain't fixed the vortex yet! How in tarnation did you get back?
Sandy saved us. [he and Patrick leave]
[confused] What? [the old coot's hand appears through the vortex and taps Sandy's shoulder] Huh? Huh?
OCOld coot
Give me back my nuts!
[Sandy gulps nervously as the screen irises out on her. DoodleBob appears and writes "The End" on the screen, ending the episode.]
[the episode begins with the start of the late-night talk show "Snark Chat with Bubble Bass"]
Snark Chat with Bubble Bass.
And we're back. My first guest had dinner with me just last night. He's a close personal friend of mine. Please welcome the Krabby Patty. [audience clap] Great to have you back on the program.
KPKrabby Patty
Great to be here, BB.
Well, I'm sorry to say it, but last night, you were not quite as delicious as one would hope.
KPKrabby Patty
Oh, don't worry, I'm sure Mr. Krabs will give you a refund.
[a percussion rimshot sting is heard, followed by Bubble Bass and the Krabby Patty laughing, Mama Bass interrupts the show as his dream ends]
[voiceover] Bubble Bass, who are you talking to down there?
Mother! Please stop trying to undermine my fantasy talk show! [Krabby Patty thuds as a cardboard] Mmph.
[voiceover] You march yourself upstairs this instant! Take out the garbage, dry the dishes, and walk the worm!
Ooh, I don't feel like it! Huh? [Mama Bass throws garbage, two dishes, and the worm at him, who swallows the second dish] That tears it, Mother! [grunts] I am moving out! [slams the front door]
[voiceover] Moving? Hah! You can't even do your own laundry! [grunts and throws an underwear at Bubble Bass]
