SpongeBob SquarePants quotes

Finally, someone whose company I actually enjoy... [pulls his clone's head out of the box] Me! [both of them laugh]

[startles SquidBot] Time for work, SquidBot! [his hat turns into a siren while SquidBot struggles to catch his clone's head] Time for work, SquidBot! Time for work, SquidBot! Time for work, SquidBot!

Power down and leave me alone, SpongeBot! I've still got fifteen minutes.

Oh... Sorry, SquidBot! Sorry, SquidBot! Sorry, SquidBot!

[pushes him away] Go away! [screws his clone's head on his body]

I am going to have to live next to that? [opens his stomach to reveal a self-destruct button, which he promptly presses and explodes on the spot, as SquidBot groans in disappointment]

Greetings, stranger. [The man's sudden appearance freaks out Mr. Krabs, making him scream.] Welcome to my emporium of wonders. Can I interest you in a traditional Klopnodian Spladunker? [he pulls out an anvil covered in pink fur as a chicken is heard clucking] Or perhaps a lightly used Flooda? [he pulls out a sweater made out of sausages as a cow is heard mooing]

No thanks, old timer. I just want me quarter. It seems to have hopped into your payphone here.

Oh, I see. Well, I have no power to retrieve your coin, but I can let you have the payphone. For the low, low price of... free.

Free!? I'll take it!

But be warned, that payphone comes with a curse! [thunder roars and a woman screams]

Really? How much does the curse cost?

What? No, the curse is free. It comes with the phone.

Well, then, I'll take the curse too! [he picks up the payphone and leaves as he laughs]

Heed my Kapritzka! Beware the call of the porch! Beware it! Ah, forget it.

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

GrandPat Sea Star!

Huh? [falls into a bathtub] Woah!

Absorbent and yellow and porous is he.

GrandPat Sea Star!

If nautical nonsense be something you wish.

GrandPat Sea Star!

Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish!

GrandPat Sea Star!

Ready?

GrandPat Sea Star! GrandPat Sea Star! GrandPat Sea Star! [GrandPat mumbles as his body contorts until he's back to his sea star shape. He falls, screaming, onto some letters spelling out his name. His pants fall off and hop across the letters. His scooter then falls from above and pushes him down.]

GrandPat... Sea Star! [laughs]

Ah... It's good to be back home, where it's normal.

Patrick

[offscreen] Hey, GrandPat. [pan to reveal GrandPat's entire family have wings and eyes similar to flies] Whatcha watching?

[screams, but then relaxes] Eh, close enough.

French Narrator

And so, we leave things a little bit weird. But that's how we like it here, in The Tidal Zone. [his arm comes through the TV screen and turns it off] Au revoir.

Hey! I was watching that!

Squidward

End of another 18-hour shift of misery.

Oh, ahoy there! [closes the doors of the Krusty Krab and walks over to SpongeBob and Squidward] And what do you two have planned for this weekend?

SpongeBob

I'm polishing Gary's shell! [SpongeBob's face turns into a polisher and he uses it on Squidward]

Squidward

Well I'm going to a post-post-pre-modern unconstructivist dance performance! [dances as red, blue, and yellow lights flash quickly behind him]

[narrows eyes] Uh, well, that's uh, fascinating...

Squidward

All right, now bend it into a boat shape. [both bend plank into arch, brushes plank before it launches him into the air] D'oh! [lands in the distance, Bubble transition to SpongeBob tickling a plank.]

SpongeBob

Tickle, tickle, tickle.

Squidward

SpongeBob, wood planks are not-- [Wood plank grows a face and laughs, forms an arch] Ticklish. [gets hit with plank, lands in the distance, and gets crushed by an anchor]

Hmm, a little off the beam. Hmm... Hmm, [holds two white paint buckets] I know! All she needs is a nice, shiny coat of paint. [tosses white paint onto the ship, turning it into a proper ship] [looking at sign on ship that says "S.S. SEA-SCRET FORMULA"] The S.S. Sea-cret Formula is ready to set sail... [pointing] as soon as you two drag her into the lagoon. [Mr. Krabs stands on the front of the ship as SpongeBob and Squidward use strings to pull the ship across the beach, where the beachgoers are watching them.] Mush!

[seeing giant shadow above] Huh?[They all get washed over by a giant wave, which miraculously sets the ship afloat. Mr. Krabs uses a hook to pull Squidward onto the ship, who gasps like a fish.]

Squidward

[sitting in lounge chair] Well, at least this weekend isn't a total waste.

Squidward

[giving Patrick his tray] Your order.

Patrick

At ease, sailor. [puts on snorkel and drinks through it as he walks off]

SpongeBob

[sees Bubble Bass playing in the ocean, who laughs] Huh? [points ahead] Butt-berg, dead ahead!

[gasps] Huh? [grabs onto steering wheel] Everyone, hold fast!

SpongeBob

[climbing onto mast] Whoa! [screams and rings bell, Squidward raises his sunglasses and looks at SpongeBob. The ship's horn blows as Bubble Bass notices it approaching him.]

Bubble Bass

Great Neptune's nose hair! [Mr. Krabs screams, bumps into steering wheel, SpongeBob screams while ringing bell, causing the ship to tilt forwards and make Squidward bump into the register, Bubble Bass' butt scrapes the side of the ship, peeling off its exterior. Bubble Bass then stops and looks at the damage.] Hmm... [The ship begins to sink, and Squidward plays "Taps" on his clarinet.] [waving dollar] One double Krabby Patty, please. [Mr. Krabs' eyes turn into dollar bills as he fully sinks. SpongeBob gives Bubble Bass his patty, who eats it and paddles away. Squidward finally fully sinks into the ocean. The scene fades to an open shot of the lagoon at sunset, as a woman shuts the door to a tiki booth and walks off. The scene fades to near the Goo Lagoon sign, where the screen darkens as the sun sets. Bubbles form on the surface of the lagoon, and the ship emerges, which is being held by the wise kraken.]

[roars, goes back to normal] Give me all the Krabby Patties you got, kid. Oh, I'm so hungry, I could eat at the Chum Bucket and like it. Boy, I'll tell you-- [camera irises out on ship, SpongeBob gags, Squidward sighs] Oh, boy.

SpongeBob

[throwing flowers around] Soon I will get a thrill cooking patties on my grill! [jumps to the door, but is blocked by a huge sign in front it, which he reads out loud] "The Krusty Krab is closed on account of urchins"? Oh, I must be in a nightmare!

[walks towards him, covered in urchins] It's no nightmare, SpongeBob. I'm closing me old girl up for a week to get rid of those prickly pests. Plus, I had a coupon for "Urchin-Be-Gone"!

SpongeBob

What will become of me? What am I gonna do for a whole week?!

Sally

You must be SpongeBob. Welcome to the Salty Spitoon! I'm the owner of this joint! That means you's work for me now!

SpongeBob

My new boss! So nice to meet--

Sally

Here's the grill! Here's the spatula! Now make with the grub!

SpongeBob

Um, just out of curiosity, what happened to your last fry cook?

Sally

That's our "Employee of the Month" wall! Your photo's gonna be next if you don't get to woik!

SpongeBob

Don't worry SpongeBob, it'll be just like working at the Krusty Krab.

Lalalala!

Keep those patties coming, pal! I love you!

Sally

Give me a brick covered with nails with extra motor oil! [SpongeBob ends up making a bagel] Huh? What is this garbage? I asked for a brick covered with nails.

SpongeBob

Oh. I thought that was just diner lingo. Sorry! Covered with nails, extra motor oil, Salty Spitoon style!

Mrs. Puff

[wearing a punk outfit] Whaddaya know? Whaddaya say, gang?

It's Puff the Tuff!

P-P-P-P-Puff the Tuff!? [Mrs. Puff headbutts him and walks through the smoke cloud. She puffs up to get rid of the customers at the counter, and sits on a stool. Sally watches from behind the counter.]

Mrs. Puff

Gimme a tall glass of broken glass in a dirty glass. [Sally serves it. Mrs. Puff bites the glass and chews it. SpongeBob is heard laughing.]

Mrs. Puff

That laugh. No! It can't be him.

SpongeBob

[holds up bomb with barbecue sauce] Who ordered the bomb-becue? [laughs]

Mrs. Puff

[screams] SPONGEBOB!!!!!!! [runs away screaming, and squeezes through the door, as everyone watches, the Customers gasp]

SpongeBob

[confused] Was that Mrs. Puff?

SpongeBob

[singing] ♪ Ohhh...come one and come all to the Softy Spitoon! ♪

♪ Softy Spitoon! ♪

SpongeBob

♪ Where all of our cupcakes come with a balloon ♪

♪ Softy Spitoon! ♪

SpongeBob

♪ If you like head kisses and cuddly hugs ♪

♪ Softy Spitoon! ♪

♪ Then raise up your milk with "I Heart Mom" mugs!

♪ Softy Spitoon! ♪

SpongeBob

♪ Ready? ♪

♪ Softy-♪

Enough!

Sally

Hey everybody, that guy is kidnapping our leader! [The customers continue to brawl, about to leave.]

♪ Softy Spitoon, Softy Spitoon, Softy...Spitoon ♪