Kyle Broflovski quotes from South Park

(cheerfully) Bye bye, Miss Ellen!

Kyle

Wendy! You didn't!

(sing-songy) I told her~... (Intensely, with crazy eyes) Don't. Fuck. With. Wendy. TESTABURGER!

Kyle

Well, that whole experience sure sucked.

Stan

Yeah, I'm sure glad it's over.

Kyle

But you know, I've learned something today. I've learned that people who want power - a lot of power - always end up dead.

Cartman

Yeah, and I've learned something too. Robert Smith kicks ass!

Who is Eric Cartman's father? Is it Chief Running Water? Or is it Chef? Is it Mephesto? Or that little monkey guy that follows him around? Or is it Mr. Garrison?

Nope. He's gay.

You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!

Is it Jimbo?

Daaagh!

Or is it Officer Barbrady?

Huh?! Where?!

Or could it be Ned?

Could be.

Or Mr. Broflovski?

Kyle

Dad, how could you?!

Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos? The answer is coming on an all-new South Park, in just four weeks.

Cartman

What?! Son of a bitch!

Yes, at first I was happy to be learning how to read. It seemed exciting and magical, but then I read this: Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I read every last word of its garbage, and because of this piece of shoot, I'm never reading again.

Hooray for Barbarady!

The Chickenfucker struck again last night.

Kyle

Oh, no!

Oh Mayor, please, when we're around children we prefer to call him the "Chicken Lover."

This time, he made love to Carla Weathers' prize chicken. She's catatonic.

Who? Carla Weathers or the chicken?

Stan

Boo!

Who was that? That is not appropriate behavior, m'kay?

Stan

[imitating Mr. Mackey's voice] I'm sorry Mr. Mackey, m'kay.

That's okay. Just don't let it happen again, m'kay.

Kyle

[imitating Mr. Mackey's voice] We won't let it happen again Mr. Mackey, m'kay.

His father had it, his grandfather had it and....his brother had it.

Kyle

[horrified] No. No, it's not possible.

We're not going to cut it off. We're just going to snip it so that it looks bigger.

Stan

Oh, hey, dude, that didn't sound like a bad idea.

Cartman

Yeah, I wanna get a circumcision too!

Kyle

You know, I've learned something today. Family isn't about whose blood you have, it's about who you care about.

Stan

Yeah!

Kyle

And that's why I feel like you guys are more than just friends. You're my family. Except for Cartman.

Stan

Naturally.

Cartman

Screw you guys! I don't want to be in your crazy penis-chopping family anyway!

Stan

Ready, you guys?

Ready!

Stan

Okay. Action! [Cartman poses the frog attached to a string on a stick]

Cartman

[mutters] I am the deadly Mexican Staring Frog...of Southern Sri Lanka. I am very scary... and dangerous!

Stan

Cut! Cartman!

Cartman

What?

Stan

It's supposed to be a frog!

Cartman

I know that!

Stan

Since when do frogs talk, Cartman?

Cartman

[thinks] It's a Sri Lanka frog!

Kyle

Der, Cartman!

Cartman

Der yourself, hippie!

Kyle

Just do this again Cartman, and don't make it talk.

Stan

Okay, here we go. Ready? Are you ready, Cartman?

Cartman

I'm ready, Steven Spielberg!

Stan

Action!

Cartman

Screw you guys...

BE QUIET BACK THERE! THESE ROADS ARE SLICK!

Stan

Hey, Cartman!

Cartman

What?

Stan

Are you gonna share any of that cake with the rest of us?

Cartman

[finishes a bite] Hmm, let me think... No.

Kyle

Come on, fatass! You shouldn't be eating all that cake anyway!

Cartman

Mm. It's chocolatey and delightful.

Stan

Give us some, Cartman!

[turns around] BE QUIET BACK THERE!

Kyle

Whoa, dude. The road is really snowy out there.

Stan

Dude, the road is always snowy.

Kyle

I know, but, it's really snowy today.

Cartman

[now baiting] Mm. I can't possibly finish this whole cake. Uh, yes I can. [resumes eating]

Stan

Shut up, Cartman!

Stan

Dude, she always tries to quiet us down by threatening to kill that bunny, but I wonder if she ever would.

Kyle

Oh, she would, dude. She would.

GOD! [a sign says "Road closed due to avalanche"] OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS! [another sign says, "Detour at your own risk." She starts up the bus and takes the detour]

Stan

Come on, fat boy, give us some cake now.

Cartman

[exhausted] I cannot possibly eat one more bite of its chocolatey goodness. Oh, wait, wait, wait, try.

Kyle

Damn it, Cartman, you are such a fat fuck!

[spins around] WHAT DID YOU SAY?! [turns back around just to see the bus head for a road shoulder where the road starts to turn] Whoa-oh. [she slams the brakes on, but the bus goes over the shoulder and tumbles down the side of the hill] Oh, my God!!! Aagggh! [the kids tumble all over the place and scream, but Cartman just munches away on the cake, quite undisturbed. The bus bounces on the bottom of the hill and lands on a river upright, floating on down]

Aaggh!

Kyle

I'm scared!

Be quiet, kid!

Aggghhhh!

Don't get off the bus or a big scary monster will eat you! [she gets off the bus]

Butters

Hey, why isn't the monster eating her?!

Kyle

Because, Larry King won't grant me three wishes.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Kyle

I said "Larry King won't grant me three wishes!"

Oh.

Hello children, how is your summer going?

Stan

Summer sucks bad, Mr. Garrison.

Kyle

Hey, have you found Mr. Hat yet?

Oh, oh, that old thing? Why, I almost forgot he was gone. I don't need Mr. Hat.

Stan

That's good.

Mr. Hat is just a puppet.

Kyle

Yep.

Mr. Hat isn't real.

Stan

Right.

Giant snake? Killing everybody? Growing bigger? [looks at the women surrounding him] Now, children, you know I rarely say this, but well... fudge ya.[hangs up, goes back to singing] 🎵 Simultaneous, you and me! 🎵

Kyle

What did he say?

Stan

Dude, I think he told us to go fuck ourselves.

Cartman

Wow!

Kyle

How's that going to help?

Stan

Oh yeah, dude, it's summer. That means we've gotta buy fireworks!

Kyle

I saved up enough money to buy M-80s this year.

Stan

I saw in this movie once, where this guy stuck a firecracker up a cat's butt.

Kyle

Cool, maybe we can do that to Cartman's cat!

Cartman

Hey! If you so much as touch Kitty's ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nut sack and blow your balls all over your pants!

Stan

Jesus, Cartman!

Cartman

[his voice trailing off] Well, I'm just-- seriously now, don't mess with Kitty, now.

My Salty Chocolate Balls must have rejuvenated him!

Kyle

You've got the best balls in the whole world, Chef.

You're damn right.