Eric Cartman quotes from South Park

Cartman

Okay, now when I say "Es ist Zeit für Rache!" you respond "Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!"

What does that mean?

Oh, I think it's Aramaic, just like in the movie!

Kyle

Hey AWESOM-O, I'd also like some celery sticks chopped up two inches long, with peanut butter and raisins on top.

Cartman

[as AWESOM-O] Suck my balls, Kyle.

Cartman

[as AWESOM-O talking to a movie executive] Adam Sandler is a guy, and he, uh, falls in love with a girl, but it turns out that she's a golden retriever.

Movie idea number 2305. Adam Sandler is trapped on an island and he falls in love with a coconut.

Butters

When Cartman is playing all alone in his backyard, he likes to dress up as Britney Spears and pretend he's her. He sings and dances with a life size cut-out of Justin Timberlake.

Cartman

[as AWESOM-O] ...You saw that?

Butters

Yeah, and I videotaped him doing it!

Cartman

[as AWESOM-O] No way.

Butters

I got the whole thing on tape; even the making out with Justin Timberlake.

Cartman

[as AWESOM-O] Nuh-uh...

Cartman

Mr. Jefferson, I wish I could be around you all the time. You're awesome.

I think you're awesome too, Cartman.

Cartman

Yeah?

Yeah.

Cartman

Yeah?

Yeah.

Cartman

Yeah? [they move in for a kiss]

Stan

[waking up] Aaaaagghhh! [looks round to see Cartman asleep and facing the ceiling and not Mr. Jefferson]

[opens his eyes] What's the matter, Stan? You have a bad dream?

Stan

Yeah, a really bad dream. [shuts his eyes] Oh, Jesus.

Cartman

Hel-lo, ma'am. We're going around town and offering snow-shoveling service. Would you like your driveway and sidewalk shoveled for eight thousand dollars?

Oh well, I certainly could use some little snow-shovelers, but eight thousand dollars seems a little steep. How about ten dollars?

Cartman

Ooh, ouch, ma'am, please, let go of that tight grip you have on my balls! Ten dollars, you're breaking my balls, ma'am!

Stan

Three tickets to Bentonville, Arkansas, please.

Cartman

Hey, guys, wait up. I want to go with you and help out.

Kyle

No way. You want to come with us so you can betray us at some point and keep us from destroying Wall-Mart.

Cartman

Nu-uh.

Kyle

Look. You want to come with us so that later I can go "Ha ha, I was working for Wall-Mart all along" or something.

Cartman

I am not, Kyle!

Stan

Dude, just let him come, the bus is about to leave.

Kyle

Okay okay..

Cartman

Ha ha, you fools have no idea that I will never let you hurt the Wall-Mart.

Kyle

Hey!

Cartman

What?

Kyle

You said that we have no idea that you are never going to let us hurt the Wall-Mart.

Cartman

That's not what I said!

Stan

Dude, come on.

Kyle

He's working for the Wall-Mart to stop us from succeeding!

Stan

Dude, we have to go.

Kyle

Alright. Cartman, let's blow this popsicle stand!

Stan

[off screen] Hurry up!

Cartman

He he, you stupid fools have no idea that I'm actually working for the Wall-Mart to stop you from succeeding!

Cartman

Wall-Mart's a great store! I cannot let you fools ruin its terrific bargains. You see, I was working for Wall-Mart all along!

Kyle

I knew you were.

Cartman

No, you didn't.

Kyle

(frustrated) Yes, I did. I said from the beginning that you would do this!

Cartman

No, you didn't.

Kyle

Yes, I did!

Cartman

No, you didn't!

Kyle

Yes, I did!

Cartman

No, you didn't!

Cartman

(after a brief silence) You see, Kyle, it was me who slashed the bus tires-

Kyle

(speaking over him) -slashed the bus tires in Arkansas. I said so! I told you the minute-

Cartman

(places hands over ears) LALALALALA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Kyle

Hey, I told you-

Cartman

I CAN'T HEAR YOU! LALALALALA!

Cartman

(brandishes dagger again) I'm sorry, boys, but if you want to hurt the Wall-Mart, you'll have to go through me.

Kyle

We don't have time for this! Kenny, keep him away from us.

Cartman

Very well, Kenny. Let us battle!

Cartman

Ow! Kenny! Kenny, knock it off!

Stan

Dude, let's play firemen!

Kyle

Totally dude, let's play fireman!

Cartman

Jews can't be firemen!

Kyle

Shut up, fatass!

Cartman

Don't call me fat you stupid Jew!

Cartman

He's gonna kill us. We gotta tell our parents!

Kyle

We can't go tell our parents, dude! We lied to everybody! Nobody knows we're responsible for Ms. Claridge's accident!

Stan

Shh! Here comes Ms. Claridge now.

Hello, Ms. Claridge.

Stan

Are you having a nice day, Ms. Claridge?

Hey, boys. It's me, your teacher, Mrs. Garrison.

Cartman

[whispers] You guys, Mr. Garrison has titties!

Cartman

And we'll need a black guy who can sacrifice himself in case something goes wrong. [camera moves back and forth passing Chef several times] Oh how about...

[irritated] Yeah, I know!

Butters

Well you know, Preacher says before your soul can be at peace, sometimes you have to atone for something bad you did.

Cartman

Atone?

Butters

Did you ever do something really bad?

Cartman

[Thinking] Not really.

Cartman

Let's see, oh and I broke Mr. Anderson's fence and never told him about it, I took a crap in the Principal's purse - seven times, then there was the time I convinced a woman to have an abortion so I could build my own Shakey's Pizza, I pretended to be retarded and joined the Special Olympics, I tried to have all the Jews exterminated last spring... oh yeah there was this one kid whose parents I killed and them made into chili which I fed to the kid.

Butters

Boy, oh, boy, Eric you've got a lot to atone for.

Cartman

Really?

Butters

Really. I mean honestly, I don't know how you're going to make up for all of this.

Cartman

I know how... [He begins making gift baskets].

Cartman

You son of a bitch, Butters.

Butters

Huh?

Cartman

YOU TOLD ME I WAS A GHOST!!!!

Butters

But then I thought you were one!

Cartman

HOW STUPID ARE YOU?! So help me God, Butters, I'm gonna get you back for this! I am going to GET! YOU! BACK!

Butters

'Ey, who's dropping bombs in there?! How 'bout a courtesy flush?!

Cartman

Up yours, Butters!