[Cartman's watch goes off]
CartmanIt's Christmas. We officially missed it. It's Christmas day and...I'm in Canada.
Well yeah, but I-I got my brother back!
Cartman
Yeah, you got your brother back, but I didn't get any presents! And what did I tell you, Kyle? [takes off his mittens] I told you if we didn't make it back in time for Christmas I was going to whoop your ass, didn't I? [takes off his coat, bunches it up, and throws it aside]
Cartman
Well, now you're going to get it, motherfucker! That's right, you and me, right now; we're having it out! Let's go! Come on! Come on!
[Kyle lightly slaps Cartman, causing him to enter a daze; he snaps out of it and wails uncontrollably]
Cartman
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!
RPRick, the Proud Mountie
Hey, come on boys! You can spend Christmas with us, Canada style!
[After Stan's attempt to remove the ninja star]
Stop, dude! You're going to scramble his brain!
Cartman
Go ahead and scramble it, then he won't remember it was us.
We were taking him to the vet until you fracked it all up! Butters!
Cartman
[uninterested] Yeah, a little. Butters!
Oh, shit. You guys are in trouble. We're out of here!
No, dude! You got to help us find him!
Cartman
We're in this together, Craig! If Butters tells on us, we're going to tell on you; that's the ninja code!
Okay, hang on, guys, I'll use my special power to see into the future, and find out where we should head next.
Cartman
Hold on you guys, I actually have another power. I can see into the future too, but even better. Let me try.
What? Cartman, you can't keep making up powers!
Yeah, dude, that's like the fifth power you've come up with. I mean, no one does that.
Cartman
I am Bullrog, and I have lots and lots of powers.
No, dude! From now on you only get to have one power. So... what is it?
Cartman
I have the power to have all the powers I want.
It doesn't work that way!
Agreed. Now you don't get to have any powers, unless you follow the rules.
Cartman
Alright, dickhole, time for you to pay! [realizes his powers don't work] Oh, no, I have no powers! Kyle took them away from me! Quick, Kyle, give me back my powers so I can fight this evil villain!
Okay, okay, you can have your powers back!
Cartman
Alright, now I use my powers to...turn Kyle into a chicken! Blam!
[is turned into a chicken] OH, COME ON!
Cartman
[sing-song voice] Ha ha ha ha ha-ha, now you are a chi-cken, nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh-nyeh.
Enough! I grow weary of your foolishness. Professor Chaos cannot be stopped.
Oh, yeah? Kenny, use your ninja star!
[muffled] Yeah! Try this, Professor Chaos! (gets out a shuriken) Feel my wrath! [throws shuriken at Butters, hitting him in the eyeball...]
Cartman
Oh, shit, dude!
[Butters continues screaming]
Oh, dude, it's stuck in his eye!
What the hell did you do that for, Kenny?!
[muffled] I just threw my ninja star at him.
[Cartman's just revealed his plan to feign a disability to win the Special Olympics]
Thats really, really, terrible dude!
Cartman
Terrible?! Whatever. You guys just don't have brains that can compute complex plans like mine!
[Jimmy and Timmy have just asked the boys to come cheer for them at the special Olympics; Cartman is reading a brochure Jimmy gave them]
Cartman
Dude. I can't believe they exploit handicapped people like this. I mean, making them compete against each other just for our amusement.
...You're an asshole, Cartman.
Cartman
[looking confused] What? What did I do?
[Scene: the podium at the Special Olympics. On the stage are Jimmy, Eric, the event organizers, Marc McGuire, Berry Bonds, and Jason Giambi. Jimmy, having won* the Special Olympics, is furious that Cartman feigned a disability to participate]
Just what the hell do you think you're doing Eric?!
Eric
[nervously] Uh, heh-heh, d-derr...
You faked being handicapped to win?! I should k-kick your ass right here you lousy, no good, ch-ch-cheater!
...oh my god. You're right, Timmy. You're totally right.
[Jimmy takes the podium to speak and confesses to doping.]
Everyone, the truth is, I haven't been playing fair either. I've been using s-steroids. I was willing to do anything to be the best, and the steroids made me blind to the people I was hurting.
[Cut to Jimmy's girlfriend in the crowd, in bandages. She smiles.]
A good friend even tried to talk me out of it, and I wouldn't listen to him.
[Cut to Timmy, smiling.]
Taking steroids is just like pretending to be handicapped at the Special Olympics, because you're taking all the fairness out of the game. But now I know that even if you do win on steroids, you're really not a winner; you're just a p-pussy. [cut to McGuire] You're just a big, fat p-p-p-pussy, and if you take steroids, the only decent thing to do is come forward and say: [Cut to Bonds] "Remove me from from the record books, because I am a big stinky, p-pussy, [cut to Giambi] steroid-taking jackass". [cut back to Jimmy] That's how I feel about myself, and why I must decline this medal and my place in the history books. And if you let me, I'll be back next year, to compete with honor.
[The crowd erupts into applause]
God damn it Cartman, you're not gonna kill me off again!
Cartman
Agh! You see guys, this is why you don't bring Jews along on the away team: they don't play along!
Shut up about Jews, fatass! You don't know anything!
People don't hate the Jews!
Cartman
Really? Three hundred million domestic box-office, Kyle. The top-grossing film of all time, Kyle. Those numbers don't lie. If you're not scared of The Passion, then go see it. Go see it and tell me I'm wrong. Mel Gibson, Kyle. Mel Gibson.
[Kenny and Stan are trying to get their money back from seeing the Passion]
[searching the Internet] OK, search "Mel Gibson". Mel Gibson bio, Mel Gibson news, Mel Gibson homepage! Here we go: "Welcome to 'Mel Gibson's The Passion. com! Your source for everything Mel". Pictures, philosophy, upcoming projects...darn it! No phone number! Oh wait! "For more information call our webmaster at 1800-4308" [Stan calls the number. It's Cartman's phone, which he answers]
Cartman
Mel Gibson's The Passion Fan club.
Hi, my friend and I just went to see The Passion.
Cartman
Uh-huh, so you want to join the fan club now? Our first meeting is tomorrow at 5.30pm...
No, no, no, we want our money back.
Cartman
What?
We thought the movie sucked and we want Mel Gibson to give us back our $18. Do you know how we can get in touch with him?
Cartman
You thought it sucked? Sir, apparently you don't understand what Mel Gibson was trying to do; he was trying to express, through cinema, the horror and filthiness of the common Jew. It has made people the world over open their eyes.
Look kid, we just thought it was a bad movie, so just tell us how we can get in touch with Mel Gibson and get our money back.
Cartman
If I knew where Mel Gibson was, I'd be down on the floor licking his balls at this very moment, sir. All I know is he lives somewhere in Malibu, now stop wasting me and Mel Gibson's time, you little wussy prick.
[furious] Hey don't take that tone with me kid, I'll kick your ass!
Cartman
Yeah, I'd like to see you try asshole, I'm like six feet tall!
I don't care, you sound like a little bitch to me!
Cartman
Bitch? Don't call me bitch, I'll pop your ducking head open!
Yeah, you want to bring it, you little pussy?
Cartman
I already brought it bitch! I brought it, set it down on the table and opened it, bitch!
[realizing] Wait a minute. Cartman? [Cartman hangs up]
South Park · 1,569 quotes
