Eric Cartman quotes from South Park

Stan

Dude! Dude, did you see the news last night?

Cartman

Yeah.

Stan

You saw all those people trapped on their roofs?

Cartman

Yeah, that was pretty funny.

Cartman

Give me your Jew gold now!

Kyle

Goddamn it, you know I don't carry gold in a little bag around my neck, Cartman. What do you want from me?

Cartman

I want your Jew gold.

Kyle

We must save these people!

Stan

How?

Cartman

Why?

Stan

It's MY fault. I broke the dam.

Cartman

Aw, man...

...Stanley...you?

No. Don't you see what this child is saying? We can't spend all our energy placing blame when something bad happens. He's saying...we all broke the dam.

Stan

No. I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

Stan

No. I broke the dam.

And I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

Cartman

He he...I broke the dam!

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

Stan

[trying to insist] I broke the dam. I ran a boat into the dam and I broke it.

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

Stan

No! I broke the fucking dam!

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

Stan

I literally broke the dam!

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

Stan

On a boat! That wasn't mine!

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

Stan

I kept it secret for two days!

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

Stan

The boat caught on fire and it exploded!

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

Stan

Aw, fuck it!

Cartman

Ah, gentlemen, thank you for coming. We don't have a lot of time, so I'll cut to the chase. The girls at our school have been hiding something from us; hiding something huge.

What?

Cartman

What if I were to tell you that the girls have a device which allows them to see into the future?

Stan

What?

Butters

How do you know?

Kyle

The girls do not have a device that shows them the future, Cartman. That's retarded.

[with a faux British accent] You, sir, mocked Cartman before. Yet you too sit here demanding answers. Now damn you, let him speak!

Cartman

[Somewhat shocked] Thank you, Clyde.

What the hell?

Cartman

Hahahaha! We have the device now! The power belong to us! Hahahaha!

Anybody has a piece of notebook paper so I can make another one?

You mean like that movie, Juwanna Mann?

Cartman

No, not like the movie Juwanna Mann! It's way cooler than that!

Kyle

So what should we do now? It's Saturday! we have to have as much fun as possible.

Cartman

Hey, I know, let's go play laser-tag at Fun-Plex.

Kenny

Hey, yeah!

Stan

No, I don't want to spend any money, you guys. Let's just find something fun that's free.

Cartman

Stan, don't you know the first law of physics? Anything that's fun costs at least $8.

Stan

Dad, aren't you supposed to, like, not drink and drive?

I'm not drinking and driving, I'm driving while I'm drinking, right boys? [looks to Eric, Kyle, and Ike in the back]

Eric

...sure, whatever, dude.

Cartman-san! What are you doing?

Cartman

I'm doing some sweet banzai moves. I'm a little better than everyone else here.

Eric-San, you must forrow direction! You rack discipline!

Cartman

Uh-uh, I don't rack discipline!

Minna-San [Japanese for "everyone"]! You all need more discipline! True discipline come from within.

[after meeting a large dancer at a strip club Chef's trance begins to waver] Wait a minute...

Stan

He's remembering!

Children! What have I done?

Cartman

It's okay, Chef! Go on, remember!

[singing] I'm gonna-- I'm gonna...

Kyle

Come on Chef, you can do it.

[singing] 🎵 I'm gonna make love to you, woman! Gonna lay ya down by the fire! 🎵

YAY!

Stan

Oh my God, they killed Chef!

Kyle

You bastards! YOU BASTARDS!

Pity. He would've made an excellent child molester.

Cartman

Maybe...maybe he's still OK. [the others look at him] No, really, they say the last thing you do before you die is crap your p-[Chef's corpse does exactly what he was about to say and voids its bowels] Oh, never mind.

Stan

Come on. Let's go.

Now put yourself in the shoes of a Muslim. It's Friday night, but you can't have sex, and you can't jack off. There's sand in your eyes and probably in the crack of your ass, and then some cartoon comes along from a country where people are getting laid, and mocks your prophet. Well, you know what? I'd be pretty pissed off too!

Cartman

Mr. Garrison, that is ignorant and racist! Muslims are mad because of Family Guy, not because they can't jack off! Right, Wendy? [Wendy is surprised]

...Yeah.

Kyle

You should like that show, your sense of humor is just like Family Guy.

Cartman

[explodes] Don't you ever, ever compare me to Family Guy! You hear me, Kyle? Compare me to Family Guy again and so help me, I will kill you where you stand!

Kyle

[realizing] You unbelievable son of a bitch...you never cared about the Muslim religion or the safety of people in America, you just want Family Guy off the air!

Cartman

Do you have any idea what it's like? Everywhere I go, "Hey Cartman, you must like Family Guy, right? Hey, your sense of humor reminds me of Family Guy, Cartman!" I am NOTHING like Family Guy! When I make jokes, they are inherent to a story! Deep, situational and emotional jokes based on what is relevant and has a point, not just one random interchangeable joke after another!

Cartman

What's the worst thing you've ever done?

I stole the head off a statue once.

Cartman

Wow, that's pretty hardcore. Jeez. That's like this one time when I didn't like a kid, so I ground his parents up into chili and fed it to him.