Eric Cartman quotes from South Park

Cartman

What if you don't have any rhythm?

Miss Stevens

Excuse me?

Cartman

Well, like my friend Kyle. He's Jewish, so he doesn't have any rhythm.

Kyle

SHUT UP, FAT ASS!

Stan

Choirs suck!

[thunders angrily] KYLE BROFLOVSKI, YOU WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE! ERIC CARTMAN, YOU BE NICE TO PEOPLE! STAN MARSH, YOU MIND YOUR MANNERS! KENNY MCCORMICK, YOU PAY ATTENTION! [deep sigh; to Miss Stevens] Go ahead.

Miss Stevens

Well, uh.. that's all, really. So if anyone is interested in seeing the rainforest and joining our choir, I'll leave information packets up front.

Cartman

Oh, that's good. We need some more toilet paper. [Stan and Kyle laugh]

ALRIGHT, THAT DOES IT!

I am tired of seeing you in my office, young man! You get sent here every day, Craig!

I know.

Why can't you behave?

..I don't know.

What do you have to say for yourself? [silent pause] Well, I tell you what, young man. Uh, you're going to be held back a grade if you don't luh— [Craig sticks his right middle finger up] Did you just flip me off?!

[lowering his middle finger] No.

Yes you did, you just flipped me the bird! Now see, this is exactly what I'm talking about! If you don't shape up, m'kay, and get your head straight— [Craig sticks up his right middle finger again] There! You just flipped me off again!

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did! And until you stop flipping people off, you can just go back to the waiting room! M'kay? Next! [as Craig leaves, Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman enter] Well, well, well, if it isn't Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Eric.

Kyle

Hey, Craig.

Cartman

Hey, don't flip me off, you son of a bitch!

Stan

Ahhhhhh!

Miss Stevens

Stan, what is it?

Stan

Snake! [points to a snake, everyone gasps]

Oh yes, this is what we call a coral snake. Notice the red markings. Quite an amazing creature.

What's the matter, little boy?

Cartman

He's a little wuss, what's it look like?

Stan

I'm just scared of snakes.

Now, now, you must remember. This snake is more afraid of us than we are of it.

Miss Stevens

Oh, my God!

Cartman

Yeah, that snake is pretty scared of us, alright.

Miss Stevens

Jesus Christ! Is he dead?

Stan

Dude!

Kyle

My guess would be yes.

Miss Stevens

Oh, no! God, no! Now, don't panic, children...

Cartman

[hitting coral snake with a stick] Bad! That's a bad snake! [runs away as the snake starts chasing him]

Cartman

Mister! You got to help me, I'm starving to death!

What are you doing out here, little boy?

Cartman

I was with my class, and we got all lost in the rain forest and I need some food; I'm fading fast...!

Lost in the rain forest? Oh my Lord! Where are all the others?

Cartman

Food! I have to have food! [collapses]

Oh my God! Get this child some food quick!

Cartman

[lifts his head up] Chicken wings.

Chicken wings!

Cartman

[lifts his head again] Medium spicy.

Cartman

(whacking a squirrel monkey with a stick) Bad monkey! Bad!

Miss Stevens

Eric, what the heck are you doing?!

Cartman

I'm asserting myself through tough love, just like my Mr. Kitty. When he's bad, I say "that's a bad Mr. Kitty", and I smack him on the head.

Miss Stevens

Eric, for God's sake, knock it off!

Cartman

(throws the stick at the sloth) Respect my authoritah!

Cartman

This is bullcrap! I am not following this stupid hippie around anymore.

Eric, where are you going?

Cartman

I'm going this way!

Young man, I am the adult here, and I say you go this way!

Cartman

Look, you can stay over nyah [gestures towards her], but I'm going over nyah. [gestures away from her]

Young man, I have had it!!

Cartman

Nononono! You nyah, me nyah! [gestures forward and backward] Screw you guys, I'm going home. [walks away]

Kyle

I just want a nurection so I can give it to my mom.

What?

Kenny

(muffled speech)

Cartman

Oh, where are you gonna go, Kenny? You going to see your little girlfriend again?

Cartman

Dude, you spend way too much time with that girl if you know...--

Stan

Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!

Kyle

You bastards!

Cartman

What the hell happened to him?

Stan

He just...ignited.

Cartman

I'm going to be Jesus!

Kyle

You're too fat to be Jesus!

Cartman

Oh, like you're going to do it, Jew?!

Kyle

Stan should be Jesus.

Cartman

Either I'm Jesus or else screw you guys, I'm going home!

Kyle

You're such a fat baby!

Cartman

Well, I guess you guys can do the Stations of the Cross by yourselves.

Kyle

All right, all right, you can be Jesus, you tubby cry-baby!

Cartman

Stick and stones may break my bones, but I'm Jesus and you aren't.

I got something to tell you.

Cartman

What?

You're not gonna like it.

Cartman

What?

It's really going to piss you off.

Cartman

What?

Okay. This is a dream. You still on that cross!

Cartman

[wakes up] Goddammit!

Cartman

Officer Barbrady!

Ooh, a T... T..is for turtle. [walks away]

Cartman

I guess you don't care about what Tweek said about your mom.

Nope! [slams the door shut]

Cartman

[surprised] God damn it. [knocks on door again. Craig answers again] Oh, I guess you don't want to hear what he had to say about your guinea pig?

Said what?! What did he say about Stripe?

Cartman

Oh nothing, just that you stick it up your leg before you go to bed every night.

That son of a bitch, I'll kill him!

Young man, we're making you an honorary Department of Interior person. You are officially in charge of South Park's fish and wildlife. You have authority over all of them.

Cartman

[disbelieving pause] I have authoritah?

That's right, and people must respect it.

Cartman

Well, that should be fine—just fine.

Fine, just fine.

Cartman

Fine.

Now kids we're going to talk about sexual harassment

Cartman

Is sexual harassment when you're making out with a girl and a guy tickles your balls from behind?

No, Cartman, That's not sexual harassment.