Who let me be a father? That kid is so screwed having me as an old man.
Everyone's old man is an asshole. You're not special.
Tell me I didn't fuck Yoli. I can't go back. I can't face Cami. They're better off without me.
I just don't have it, man. I don't have the strength. Let me go. Just... let me go, look at me.
You think you're such a fuckup? You got everything, man. Everything that matters, you've got. You think that was an accident? You built that family. Right? You built that business. Hard work. Recovery every day. You have a life. You have people that love you. 'Cause you deserve it. So shut the hell up, you whiny bitch. Drink your coffee. And then you're gonna start over. I hurt my hand on your fuckin' ribs.
Yeah. I think you might've broke one, too.
Good, asshole. I owe you.
WWaitress
[Referring to TV] Hey. Hey, turn that up.
NNewscaster
...and the search for the most hated man in Chicago continues, as the fate of the Michael Jordan statue's arm remains a mystery.
Somebody cut off the arm of the Michael Jordan statue? What kind of asshole would do something like that? No. No way. It's just 'cause I... I love him so much, man. What did I do with it? Because, you know... I- I'll be burned at the stake if people find out.
LipIt's taken care of.
[Ian and Lip are in kitchen with Carl, Debbie, Liam and Kassidi]
Lip
A bible?
Lip
I doubt it.
[Appears from front door] Hey, can you believe that this guy today told me I was complicated?
ILIan, Lip, Carl, Debbie and Liam
Yes.
Lip
Well, you married that guy after, like, a week.
And you cheated on him with your car thief ex-boyfriend.
Who had several different names.
Almost married a heroin addict.
Hid my meth inside our dead mother's casket.
Didn't you also get fired from a job for fucking your boss' brother?
Testified against me to the military, fired me, stole my church.
Lip
Wow, you found a Bible?
Okay, I get it. I'm complicated. I'm gonna go walk my dog now. Well, I can keep going. Fuck you guys. At least Rusty loves me. [Leaves out backdoor]
Fiona, your dog's been barking all fuckin' night.
Wasn't Rusty. He was with me at the apartment.
This is where we first made ramen noodles together.
What's with the... documentary?
Oh, I'm making a video scrapbook for my boo before he goes AWOL on me.
Kassidi's having some separation anxiety with me leaving to go back to the academy in a couple weeks. She wants to make sure I remember the goods I got back at home.
This is where you first went down on me.
Lip
Oh, place is turning into the fuckin' Super 8.
Yeah, that's why I've been sleeping at my building.
Lip
What, you haven't rented that apartment yet?
No, I will. Just... too many folks crashing here right now.
Lip
Hey, we get another dog?
That's Toto. He's tied up outside.
Lip
The fuck's a Toto?
Belongs to the hipster couple up the street. Got a job dog sitting.
Like 101 Dalmatians up in here.
Lip
Yeah, Toto sounds pissed, Debs.
Yeah, he gets barky sometimes. I can't figure out why. But they pay 40 bucks a day, and I need money for welding school tuition.
Lip
You and, uh, Trev boning again?
Definitely turning a corner.
Everybody's boning somebody but me?
Duran and I call it "besties with benefits."
[Scoffs] I hope you're all double-bagging. This place is already too crowded.
CCami
When I heard he got paroled, I... I couldn't think straight. I've never been able to get that night out of my mind.
Lip
Yeah, you, uh... never really told me what happened.
CCami
He came home... wasted almost every day. That night, he found a towel on the bathroom floor and started slapping her around. Mom was screaming. He told her to shut up, but... she didn't. So he punched her... and kept punching her... until her face just... blood and bones and hair.
Lip
You were there?
CCami
Me and Neil, yeah. Told us if we ever said a word to anybody about it, he'd fucking kill us both. Took a blanket from Neil's bed... wrapped Mom up... and threw her in a dumpster. Policewoman gave us Cokes. We never got Cokes.
Lip
How old were you?
CCami
Ten. We testified against him, both of us. And they just let him out.
Oh, thank God. I would never hear the end of it from Cami.
Lip
The maid of honor?
Lip
Cami and Tami, huh?
Yeah, well, our parents, Pami and Sami, weren't very creative. I'm fucking with you. They're Bob and Kim. Are you the best man?
Lip
Yeah, I'm Lip.
What's up with your hair? Are you, like, in the Marines or some shit?
Lip
I was freebasing. My head caught on fire. I'm fucking with you. No, I, uh, fell asleep with gum in my mouth.
That's the most retarded thing I've ever heard.
Lip
Oh, says the lady with the bouffant and the princess headband.
Lip
Well, you can't get that time back, can you?
Lip
[before flashback scenes] Ah, for shit's sake, you again? Really, you forgot what happened on last week's episode? It was seven days ago. Drop the drink and get yourself to a fucking meeting,
Good morning, my day-drinking brethren. How's everyone this morning?
You smell like actual shit, Frank.
Uh, rye whiskey, V. Leave the bottle.
Can't pay with cans, Frank.
Why not? There's gotta be 20 bucks in there.
And that's our recycling. I just put those out.
Right, and now I'm recycling them.
Uh, run a tab? For old times' sake?
[Cackles derisively] Oh, damn, I just peed myself a little.
We fucking hate you, Frank.
V. Can I have the keg tray? At least let me drink that.
You wanna slurp warm, day-old beer runoff from a keg tray?
Wow, lowering the bar, Frank. Disgusting, Frank.
Every day. When options are few, the wise man adapts.
Fine. One pity beer. One. [Draws him a pint]
HHughie
You tight on cash, huh, Frank?
Tighter than a Mormon virgin.
HHughie
I know how you can make some quick dough, if you're interested.
I don't do blowies anymore, Hughie.
HHughie
This lady's paying five bucks for every "Ruiz for Congress" sign you steal from a yard. You bring the signs over to the alley behind Wyman's headquarters, she gives you cash.
For stolen signs? What's the catch?
HHughie
Just get paid to steal.
Lip
What's with the uniform, G.I. Joe? I thought you were off for the summer.
Yeah, aren't you supposed to be "at rest"?
At ease. And there is no ease for a soldier who's West Point bound. Debs, can you pass me the milk? Debs.
[Reading newspaper] Eighty cents. That's how much women make on the dollar compared to men. And if you're a woman of color, 65 cents. This is a sexist shit nugget of a country. Don't you forget that.
Oh, Debs! Thank God you're not working. Hey, I need a favor. I gotta take V to this nursery school tour. Can you watch the girls for like an hour? They can't come. Thanks.
Why are you speaking to me?
No. Why are you speaking to the only woman in the room, Kevin Ball? Why is childcare a woman's job? Let me tell you why. Did you know that the average American man works about 17.5 hours a week doing unpaid home labor? Cooking, cleaning. While women, however, spend about 28.4 hours a week. Now, considering the fact that the average American makes $26.82 an hour, that's $40,000 a year that women are not getting paid to cook, clean, and wipe baby asses.
[Scoffs] Come on, Franny, let's oppose patriarchal oppression.
[Lip and Brad are at an AA meeting]
Wanna hit Patsy's for pie before work?
Lip
It's kind of early for pie, no?
It's never too early. Besides, they have breakfast pie. It's called "apple." [Scoffs]
Lip
Hey, uh, thanks for your share, man.
JJason
Was it okay? I- I mean, it's weird telling everybody your shit.
Lip
Yeah, no, you did good. Just, uh, keep coming back.
JJason
Hey, actually, can I ask you something?
Lip
Uh, sure, yeah, yeah, yeah.
JJason
I don't know how this is supposed to go. I- Feels like I'm asking you out on a date or something. I need a sponsor. Wondering if you-- you'd be up to sponsoring me.
Lip
Me? No, man, I'm- I'm the last guy you'd want to sponsor you. But, uh, you know, maybe ask Marshall.
JJason
The guy with the walker?
Lip
Yeah.
JJason
[Snickers] I need somebody born after 1990. I mean, these people are all fucking dinosaurs. [To Brad] No offense.
JJason
[To Lip] I feel like I could talk to you.
Lip
Yeah, let me think about it, all right?
Lip
[before flashback scenes] Fuck you guys want?
Lip
What, you guys miss last week's episode?
Eh, we should probably show it to 'em.
Lip
I guess. Go.
Lip
Um... The fuck you doing?
Lip
Waiting for what?
[Arrives with Mo White campaign signs] Good morning, my indigenous South Siders! Don't mind me. Just showing our support for a better tomorrow. [Starts planting a sign on the lawn]
Lip
Huh?
Lip
W-what's a "shim"?
Shim. God. But God doesn't have a gender, or maybe it's both genders, so she, him--Shim. Mother-father God.
Lip
And you're waiting for Shim to...
Talk to me. Tell me what to do next.
Lip
Does that happen a lot?
Used to all the time in jail, but since I've been out, nothing.
That's because it never happened. Shim, a higher power, the great I Am, Great Spirit-- call it whatever you want-- but it ain't talking to you.
Lip
And we weren't talking to you.
Enlightenment, or whatever these new-fangled hippy-dippy religions are selling, is a waste of time. Gay Jesus, Taoism, Scientology, Christian Science, Joel Osteen, Deepak Chopra-- It's like going to one of those flaky schools where the students create their own curriculum, then don't get graded on it. Religion isn't a startup, Ian. You want God to talk to you, you gotta stick with the classics: Buddhism, Judaism, Christianity. And if you break the rules, you burn in hell for all eternity. And there's your enlightenment. In the meantime, I shall be saving the South Side from the endless caravan of immigrants. [Walks away]
Lip
[Chuckles] No.
[Clutching side] I'm not feeling so good. Think I'm coming down with something.
Lip
Buddy, it's not happening. You're going to school. Go.
It's a waste of time. I'm not learning anything. Can you just homeschool me?
Lip
[To Xan] No coffee. Milk or juice.
All the famous people are homeschooled- Leonardo da Vinci, Abe Lincoln, Justin Bieber.
Lip
I don't see you painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel anytime soon, Biebs. Go.
...
Lip
Hey, Carl, how much longer those dogs gonna be dying down there?
Lip
Well, tell God to hurry the fuck up, all right? The whole house stinks.
I'm providing an essential service to below-the-poverty-line animal lovers while racking up on community service hours for my West Point application. It's a win-win.
Hey. Military service is for losers.
Spoken like a true patriot. And I'll be proud to protect your Constitutional right to be an asshole, Frank. What's with the outfit?
Got to hit the stump with Mo. Tomorrow's election day. We're fighting for the under-represented Caucasian male.
Lip
I think you're on the wrong side of history on this one.
Oh, I know Mo probably isn't gonna win.
Lip
Probably?
But democracy's about fighting for what you believe is right. And rounding up as much campaign contribution cash as possible. Mo isn't taking money from lobbyists and corporate elites. Only small donations from the local citizenry.
Lip
'Cause nobody with any sense would want to support a pedophile.
Au contraire, fruit of my loins. No less a luminary than the president of these United States supported a candidate of questionable sexual history in regard to the chasing of underage tail.
Lip
Yeah, and the guy lost.
How much you getting paid, Frank?
Lip
[To Xan] Here you go.
I take a small stipend, as is the custom for campaign managers.
Might not want to wear that shirt out of the house, Frank.
Lip
Yeah.
MMercy
My sister says you have my kid. Xan. I want her back. [Follows Lip outside] Where is she?
Lip
She's at school.
MMercy
Where? I got to go get her.
Lip
Where are you living?
Lip
Where will Xan live?!
MMercy
None of your goddamn business! Where's my kid?!
Lip
No, not until you tell me where she's gonna be living!
MMercy
We got an appointment!
Lip
Oh, you have an appointment?!
MMercy
Tell me where she is!
Lip
What kind of appointment, huh?! With Social Services?! You need to show up...!
MMercy
Give me my fucking kid!
Lip
...with Xan so you can keep collecting your benefits?! And then what, you're gonna dump her back out on to the streets?! Who the fuck do you think-- I'm someone who gives a shit about your daughter!
[Appears outside] Jesus, what the hell's going on out here?! I got customers!
TToby
Should we start this thing?
Lip
Well, is there anyone else coming or...
TToby
It's the afternoon. Maybe everyone's stuck at work.
Lip
Yeah, we're a bunch of alcoholics. What's the likelihood of us all holding down jobs?
TToby
Shorter meeting would be better anyway. Need to get to a gig.
Lip
What do you do?
TToby
I'm a sober companion.
Lip
A what?
TToby
I'm a babysitter for drunks. If an addict has something coming up need to stay sober for, I keep them away from the booze.
Lip
They pay you?
TToby
I'm getting 100 bucks to keep some teacher dry before an annual review. I got five grand to keep a prep school quarterback sober during recruitment season.
Lip
Anyway, should we review the steps and get out of Dodge?
Hey. What you doing up there?
Putting away my stuff till I get back. Hand me those bags.
You decide what you want to do today yet? I could call in sick from work.
Well, I don't think I want to do anything.
Ah, come on, we got to do something. It's your last day of freedom.
Nah, I think I just want to hang at the house. You heading into the shop today?
Lip
I got a job as a sober companion for the next couple hours. Hey, uh, how about we ride the El up to Wrigley when I get back? Beat the shit out of some Cubs fans?
Yeah, I don't need more time added to my sentence. What's a sober companion?
Lip
I'm babysitting some rich lush, making sure they don't drink.
Anybody who can't stop drinking on his own is a pussy.
We could take you to a gay bar and get you laid.
Pretty sure I'll get laid a lot in prison.
Yo, what are we doing today? My new lady and I are supposed to go work out, but I could cancel it.
He doesn't want to do anything.
What? You don't want to steal a car, or drop bowling balls off a freeway?
[Jen leaves her room with Lip spotting her]
Lip
Hey, I- [She runs off to elevator losing Lip] Fuck, fuck, fuck...
[He runs down emergency stairs meeting her in lobby walking after her]
Lip
Hi. Thought I lost you. Um. Uh, hey, could you wait up? I- I'm- I'm supposed to- to be with you.
My sober companion, yeah, I know, I got it. I'm just going for a little walk. I-
Lip
[They're walking across bridge over Chicago river] Hey, you could slow down a little bit?
You seem like a nice kid. I just- I just need some space, all right?
Lip
Yeah, I'm not sure that's such a good idea.
Actually, it's a great idea. See, this is like a mini-vacation for me.
Lip
Mm-hm.
Got no work, no husband, no screaming kids. No one knows I'm in town, so I'm- I'm anonymous here. Yeah, I'm- I just- I just- I need some alone time.
Lip
I'm concerned you might drink.
Don't be concerned, bunny.
Lip
Look, does that mean you are gonna drink, or you're not gonna drink?
It means if I do drink, everything's gonna be okay.
Lip
You've got a meeting tomorrow.
Lip
Yeah, a lot can happen in that time.
A few drinks is not gonna kill me. I- I'll be back at the hotel by mid-afternoon. I'll chug a gallon of Evian; I'll eat a pizza; hit the steam room; get a great night's sleep, and be as good as new for my meeting. Really, it's no big whoop. No one will know.
Lip
I will.
Aren't you a sweet Boy Scout?
Lip
[Jentakes off runnning] No- [After tripping over trash can that Jen knocked over and answering phone] Hey, Barney. Yeah, no, everything's good. No, yeah, she's still sleeping. Okay. Talk to you later. Bye. [Catches up to Jenin park knocking her to ground and gets on top of her] Stop!
Lip
Hey, look, I'm sorry! Are you okay?! You gave me no choice!
Lip
Not until you promise you're not gonna drink! Look, I'm not getting off you until you promise!
Lip
This is my job!
Lip
To make sure you don't drink!
Oh, my God, I told you, it's no big deal!
Lip
Yes, it is! All right? Don't fuck up this gig for me! My brother's going to prison tomorrow! I need the money for his commissary account!
Are you trying to play on my emotions?!
Lip
Is it working?!
No, because I don't have any!
Lip
All right, well, then, suck it up until Barney gets back at 5:00, all right?! He can deal with you!
What am I supposed to do if I'm not drinking?! Just sit in the hotel room all day, watching SpectraVision?!
Lip
Uh, we could hang out here in the park! It's a beautiful day out!
Lip
Look, just relax, all right?! Enjoy, and take it one moment at a time, all right?!
Oh, jeez, AA crap! All right, fine. We'll just hang out in this stupid park!
Lip
All right! Okay! Now I'm gonna get off you, but I swear, if you run, I will tackle the fuck out of you!
Lip
Hey, look who's talking, commercial actress chick!
I'll have you know, I have done 17 films and 4 TV shows!
Lip
Whatever.
[Jen feigns running away with Lip jumping with a start] Hey! I'm just kidding, you little shit!
Shameless · 903 quotes
