Brad quotes from Shameless

All right, so he tells me to piss off.

Brad

You told me to piss off first time I met you.

No, I didn't.

Brad

Right, you just accused me of wanting to suck your dick.

Look, he's... he's covered in puke, passed out, facedown on his broken arms, and I clean him up. Right? Which is way more than I've ever done for my prick of a father. So why am I feeling guilty that I'm not over there wiping his ass for him?

Brad

Well, maybe it's because he wiped your ass for you when you needed it.

Fuck that, he just wrote a check.

Brad

Yeah, with money that he worked hard to earn and didn't owe you. You... you know what you haven't been since your old professor ran his car into a house, though?

What?

Brad

Depressed. Know why? 'Cause fixing a fellow human's even better than fixing a bike. And by the way, it's how we stay sober... by being of service, and by wiping asses when they need wiping. And by helping other drunks get what we got. [Sighs] You... y... you think I like listening to your shit? [Scoffs] I don't.

No?

Brad

No. 'Cause I'm a self-centered prick like you, but... when I listen to your shit, I feel better.

So, it's a selfish thing.

Brad

Yeah, now you're getting it.

[Answers phone] Gimme a sec, be right there.

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Brad

Who let me be a father? That kid is so screwed having me as an old man.

Everyone's old man is an asshole. You're not special.

Brad

Tell me I didn't fuck Yoli. I can't go back. I can't face Cami. They're better off without me.

Drink your coffee.

Brad

I just don't have it, man. I don't have the strength. Let me go. Just... let me go, look at me.

You think you're such a fuckup? You got everything, man. Everything that matters, you've got. You think that was an accident? You built that family. Right? You built that business. Hard work. Recovery every day. You have a life. You have people that love you. 'Cause you deserve it. So shut the hell up, you whiny bitch. Drink your coffee. And then you're gonna start over. I hurt my hand on your fuckin' ribs.

Brad

Yeah. I think you might've broke one, too.

Good, asshole. I owe you.

WWaitress

[Referring to TV] Hey. Hey, turn that up.

NNewscaster

...and the search for the most hated man in Chicago continues, as the fate of the Michael Jordan statue's arm remains a mystery.

Brad

Somebody cut off the arm of the Michael Jordan statue? What kind of asshole would do something like that? No. No way. It's just 'cause I... I love him so much, man. What did I do with it? Because, you know... I- I'll be burned at the stake if people find out.

It's taken care of.

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[Fiona is awoken by a bucket of water thrown on her by Ian]

Fiona

What the fuck?!

Morning.

Fiona

No! I am not doing this with you again today. We are both fucking adults! Come on, I know you're pissed! I know you're pissed...

Fiona

[Ian throws another bucket of water on her] Oh, fuck!

Think we should do something?

She survived prison. She can handle the Ice Bucket Challenge.

He's been icing her all week. Over a stupid church? Who cares?

He does.

So we shouldn't do anything?

Absolutely not. Squabbles between siblings are as old as time. Cain and Abel. Serena and Venus. George W. and Jeb. Hey, son, what do you say you, uh, iron some military creases into my suit jacket? Need sharp corners today. Daddy's got a big job interview. With Lumber Lot.

Thought you already worked at Lumber Lot.

No, that's Lumber Lawn and Lighting, Debs, an entirely separate and sub-par institution from whence I have parted ways.

Wait. You got fired?

I did not get fired.

Liam

Livestock's been fed and watered, sir. Permission to attend last day of school?

Permission granted.

Jesus, Carl. Your involuntary detox program is stinking up the whole house. It smells like afterbirth down there.

I still need $3,527 for tuition.

Look at you! The managerial apple is falling close to the tree.

Brad

[Enters kitchen] Mornin'.

Let's go, Liam. Before he pours pathetic sauce all over us.

Have a good last day, Liam. Good luck at Lumber Lot, Frank.

No luck needed, Debs.

Brad

[Slumps to floor with head on forehead] Oh, God!

Jesus! Get it together, loser. No one wants to see a grown man ugly-cry in his underwear. Idiot!

Brad

God

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[Lip and Brad are at an AA meeting]

Brad

Wanna hit Patsy's for pie before work?

It's kind of early for pie, no?

Brad

It's never too early. Besides, they have breakfast pie. It's called "apple." [Scoffs]

Hey, uh, thanks for your share, man.

JJason

Was it okay? I- I mean, it's weird telling everybody your shit.

Yeah, no, you did good. Just, uh, keep coming back.

JJason

Hey, actually, can I ask you something?

Uh, sure, yeah, yeah, yeah.

JJason

I don't know how this is supposed to go. I- Feels like I'm asking you out on a date or something. I need a sponsor. Wondering if you-- you'd be up to sponsoring me.

Me? No, man, I'm- I'm the last guy you'd want to sponsor you. But, uh, you know, maybe ask Marshall.

JJason

The guy with the walker?

Yeah.

JJason

[Snickers] I need somebody born after 1990. I mean, these people are all fucking dinosaurs. [To Brad] No offense.

Brad

None taken, shithead.

JJason

[To Lip] I feel like I could talk to you.

Yeah, let me think about it, all right?

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MMercy

Hi. You Lip?

Yeah.

MMercy

My sister says you have my kid. Xan. I want her back. [Follows Lip outside] Where is she?

She's at school.

MMercy

Where? I got to go get her.

Where are you living?

MMercy

What?!

Where will Xan live?!

MMercy

None of your goddamn business! Where's my kid?!

No, not until you tell me where she's gonna be living!

MMercy

We got an appointment!

Oh, you have an appointment?!

MMercy

Tell me where she is!

What kind of appointment, huh?! With Social Services?! You need to show up...!

MMercy

Give me my fucking kid!

...with Xan so you can keep collecting your benefits?! And then what, you're gonna dump her back out on to the streets?! Who the fuck do you think-- I'm someone who gives a shit about your daughter!

Brad

[Appears outside] Jesus, what the hell's going on out here?! I got customers!

MMercy

I want her back!

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[To Xan] Hey, go ahead. Have a cupcake. [To Brad] Hey, man. Um... Cami say anything to you about Tami?

Brad

What about Tami?

I don't know. She's acting funny. She was supposed to pick us up this morning... never showed. I didn't hear anything.

Brad

Maybe she's not cool with the whole Xan thing. I mean, it's one thing to start dating a guy, but it's another thing to start dating a dad with a preteen. What's she been saying about it?

Oh, nothing. I mean... I don't know. I guess I didn't really ask.

Brad

Women like to be asked everything. I don't buy 1% milk instead of 2% without asking Cami.

What, you think she's gonna make me choose between her and Xan?

Brad

That... that's crazy. I don't know, but you gotta ask. Just ask, pretend-listen, and nod. Works every time.

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Brad

Your sister coming again this morning?

She said she was, yeah. Tami's dad showed up at my house this morning.

Brad

Bob?

Yeah.

Brad

Shit. What did he want?

Wants to know my plan.

Brad

You have a plan?

No. Tami's made it very clear that I'm not allowed to have one.

Brad

Don't fuck with Bob. He's tougher than he looks.

He said Tami's definitely having the baby.

Brad

That's the Tamiettis. Old-school Catholics. Big families and fish on Fridays. She tell you she was going to see a doctor today?

No.

Brad

This afternoon. Asked Cami to go, but she's working until 6:00.

W- what kind of doctor? Did she say?

Brad

Nope. Tami likes to stick it to her dad. Could be she's getting ready to solve your problem.

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Lip?

Hey. What's up?

Doctor's office called. They want me to call them back at noon, uh, go over the results of my test with them.

What time is it now?

Five of. I just thought I should, uh, be with someone in case I try to jump off a roof or throw myself in front of a bus or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.

Yeah.

Brad

Hey, Tami. How you doing?

It's none of your fucking business, Brad.

Brad

Okay. Come on. I'll find someplace to make that call.

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She wants to have sex all the time. All right, three times last night and again this morning.

Brad

No hemorrhoids or problems with the mucus plug?

What's a mucus plug?

Brad

You'd know if you'd had a problem with it.

You know, I never thought I'd be complaining about having this much sex.

Brad

Enjoy it while you can. Cami didn't want me to touch her for months after Miles was born.

Oh, that's the thing, she's so fucking nice to me all the time. You know, it's all honey, sweetie. She called me boo this morning. I mean, it's "alien abduction movie" creepy. I don't like it.

Brad

It won't last. Once the baby's born, with the sleep deprivation, the postpartum craziness, and Tami being kind of a bitch, it's gonna be a rough ride, my friend.

Is that valves?

Brad

Hmm, and rings. Cami's making a list of stuff she thinks you still need to buy before your baby gets here.

Oh, come on, man. Really? Wha- what about all the shit we got at the baby shower? The expensive stuff nobody around here can afford to give at a shower.

Brad

It's a fancy breast pump, baby video monitor that connects to your phone, some Scandinavian car seat-stroller combo thing.

I grew up around a ton of kids. I never had any of that shit. You know, Frank wouldn't even buy us diapers half the time. He'd tape garbage bags around us, hose us off in the backyard before bedtime.

Brad

Really?

No, but close.