Fiona, your dog's been barking all fuckin' night.
Wasn't Rusty. He was with me at the apartment.
KassidiThis is where we first made ramen noodles together.
What's with the... documentary?
Kassidi
Oh, I'm making a video scrapbook for my boo before he goes AWOL on me.
Kassidi's having some separation anxiety with me leaving to go back to the academy in a couple weeks. She wants to make sure I remember the goods I got back at home.
Kassidi
This is where you first went down on me.
Oh, place is turning into the fuckin' Super 8.
Yeah, that's why I've been sleeping at my building.
What, you haven't rented that apartment yet?
No, I will. Just... too many folks crashing here right now.
That's Toto. He's tied up outside.
Belongs to the hipster couple up the street. Got a job dog sitting.
Like 101 Dalmatians up in here.
Kassidi
Mh-hmm.
Yeah, Toto sounds pissed, Debs.
Yeah, he gets barky sometimes. I can't figure out why. But they pay 40 bucks a day, and I need money for welding school tuition.
You and, uh, Trev boning again?
Definitely turning a corner.
Everybody's boning somebody but me?
Kassidi
It's uniting our souls.
Duran and I call it "besties with benefits."
[Scoffs] I hope you're all double-bagging. This place is already too crowded.
Kassidi
And for you, my sweet, hot bitch... I found it.
[Holds up necklace with a vial] What is it? Is that blood? Is that your blood?
Kassidi
Yeah. It's your blood now. You possess me, and vice versa. [Brings Carl to sink with a kitchen knife] Here. Come here. I'll try not to nick an artery.
[Ian is speaking to his fans all gathered in the family room]
It sucks when people use God as an excuse for their own hatred, and when it's your family, it's the worst. Look, I know you don't want to hurt your parents, but sometimes they forget. God creates us all in his own image. We gotta jog their memory. If they believe that God hates the same people as they do, well, they're creating God in their image.
GJGay Jesus fans
[In unison] That's right. That's right.
We all have a Holy Spirit. We're all holy. We're all divine...
Kassidi
[Walks into kitchen] I know. He's like a prophet. And he's super hot too. Like hot gay Jesus. [Walks back]
"Hot gay Jesus." Bet we can make money off of that.
Ring the right bell for the right causes, the guilt ridden pry open their wallets. It's Pavlovian. Righteousness is very marketable.
[Enters from backdoor] What's that all about?
Just a queer religious rebellion led by your gay brother. No biggie.
We all have the Trinity inside of us...
...
Reverend Murph, this is my sister Fiona.
MMurph
I'm super impressed, dude. The only way I can get that many people is if I offer free pizza.
No, it's just 'cause of that video.
MMurph
No. You got something, man. Bunch of folks who couldn't make it already messaged me about the next one.
I definitely can't fit more people in here than I did tonight.
MMurph
Would you feel weird about using our parish hall? No pressure. Just shoot me a text when you decide, I'll send you the address. Thanks for the beer. [He leaves]
Small. Quiet. I bought a chair. Your, fellowship thing seems to be doing well. First Gallagher to become famous for something other than larceny or assault.
Ha, yeah. It's... it's getting pretty out of hand. I got people showing up at my home, church place, work. I had to shut down my Facebook page.
So why not quit if you hate it so much?
I don't. Just... trying to manage it.
[Comes down stairs] She's back to flipping out again about military school. Says I can't go 'cause we're engaged.
Wait, you're actually engaged? I thought that was a joke.
I can't lose her. She's fun, hot, rich, hot. She loves me. No one's ever loved me this hard.
Do not marry her, okay? She is a fucking psycho.
Marry her. Hear me and heed me. Do not let that frothing piece of lady meat out of your sight. She has a trust fund. Get joint checking. And whatever you do, do not sign a prenup.
[Carl finds his clothes cut up, strewn along the house side walkway and walks up to Kassidi sitting on back stair steps]
Kassidi
Hey.
[Finding his clothes cut up and strewn along the side house walkway] What the fuck?!
Kassidi
Hey, baby.
You cut up all my uniforms?!
Kassidi
Well, I weighed out the pros and cons, and I made a decision for our family. I think that it's better for everyone that you don't go back to school. We have a wedding to plan.
Kassidi
Don't say my name like that!
Kassidi
Do not say my name like that, I mean it, Carl!
Kassidi, this is not a joke! I am going back to military school!
Kassidi
I hate you! [Goes in back door and shuts it]
Hey! Fuck. [Walks up steps and bangs on door] Wait! You can't leave me!
Kassidi
I'll die!
Hey, what the fuck! You're not gonna die! We're gonna see each other like once a week!
Kassidi
I can't!
Kassidi
I need you!
What the fuck?! You kidding me?!
Kassidi
This engagement is bullshit! [Kassidi throws ring out door]
What? What the fuck? I paid like 100 bucks for that!
Kassidi
Fuck you!
Kassidi
Fuck you! Fuck you!
My God! What do you want me to do?!
Kassidi
Marry me before you leave, dumb-ass. You love me, right? You love me, right? Then what's the point in waiting?
Kassidi
Today?
[Carl and Kassidi are waiting at the Cook County public records office]
Kassidi
We should go get a blanket and a bottle of champagne, go in the park, and lay in the grass as man and wife, and let the moon and the stars bless our union. Cute!
PAPA announcer
Now serving, 103.
Kassidi
Yay! That's us. Okay, come on. All set.
MLMarriage license clerk
Your marriage license is valid for 60 days in Cook County only. There's a one day waiting period before the license becomes effective.
Kassidi
Wait. So we can't get married today?
MLMarriage license clerk
You can get married at this exact time tomorrow.
Kassidi
What the fuck? This sucks.
I don't think there's any skin left on my dick.
Kassidi
I just can't get enough of my husband. I need more Carl. I wanna know everything about you. Remember when you said that you and Ian... You guys ran away from that foster home and lived under the bridge? Did that really happen?
Kassidi
Show me.
Kassidi
Your life. Uh, where... where you lived under the bridge, where you sold your drugs, where that guy chased you with a hatchet. I wanna see it all. I mean, I am Mrs. Carl Gallagher now. I need to know the life you lived. Come on. I'll rub lotion on your dick and we'll go.
Kassidi
I can't believe that you lived down here. It's like freakin' Mad Max.
Yeah, I remember this one time, a guy tried to steal Ian's coat. We beat him with a can of tuna wrapped in a tube sock.
Kassidi
That's so hot.
Kassidi
Oh, my God, you lived there?
Kassidi
I have to see it. [Runs into a modified cargo crate and she trips over a man's body]
Hey! You okay?! Oh, hey, man. Sorry, didn't realize someone was sleeping here. Hello?
Kassidi
Is he dead? Is that a dead body?
Hey, come on, let's just get out of here.
Kassidi
I've gotta Snapchat this.
Uh, it's just a dead guy. Let's go.
Kassidi
Roll him over. [Carl complies]
Kassidi
So I can see the face of death.
Kassidi
Carl, roll him over. [Lies down and takes a selfie with the cadaver] I'm gonna story the shit out of this.
Well, why is it so important for you to know what it's like to live on the street?
Kassidi
'Cause you grew up free. I grew up trapped in an 8,000-square-foot suburban prison. Cable fucking TV, cheerleading camp, cross country, and Mom always ragging on me to study. And for what? So I could end up like them? I mean, they're miserable. Please.
Well, this is it. This is where my first shop was.
Kassidi
Selling crack? That is so cool.
DDealer
Yo, you gotta buy or walk. This is my corner.
I used to work this corner. Where's G-Dog?
DDealer
That's his brains right there... [Points to blood puddle stain on road] that dark spot. [Speeding vehicle heads towards them] Damn!
DDealer
Shooter! Down! Get down! [Carl and Kassidi hide behind parked vehicle while the gunman from vehicle opens fire and drive away]
Kassidi
Oh, my God! They shot at us! This is epic!
I met your friend Dylan's dad.
You tell him I can go on the yacht vacation with them tomorrow?
I looked the man up. He makes nothing. He creates nothing. He buys businesses, tears them apart, sells the pieces, and then discards the employees like trash. He's a legal thief.
Kassidi
[Serves him waffles] Here you are, Liam.
Thank you so much. He wants the companies to fail. The world's not just, Liam. No one's gonna take care of us in our old age. We have a moral duty to rip this asshole off. You know how to take photos with this?
Kassidi
What is keeping Carl? His bacon's getting cold.
I cauterized the stumps. They were still bleeding, so I went to the ER.
Waste of money. Cauterization has been used since the Egyptians were building pyramids.
So can I go on the cruise with Dylan's family or not?
I'm very proud to be your partner.
And your job, partner, is to go to the Caribbean and have a great time. After you get the code.
To turn off the alarm. And pics of their valuables and of the security system. One more big score, I can retire in style.
Kassidi
Carl! You motherfucker!
Shameless · 903 quotes
