That cloud up there looks like a martini glass.
LipNah, it's clearly a beer funnel. When did you start drinking?
Nine? Maybe earlier. I was 12. We had a beer keg tapped in our backyard at all times.
Lip
Grow up in a fraternity? You ever try and stop?
Course. Life's hard. Booze is my only escape.
Lip
Why'd you hire a sober companion, then?
I didn't. Highland Cosmetics did after the incident, where we're doing this Christmas commercial in the fall, and I was riding a horse through Central Park, and I fell off.
Lip
Drunk?
I was plastered. [Laughs] Course, the horse got spooked and took off, and guess what I did? [scoffs] Start chasing after him.
Lip
Sure.
I was wearing high heels and this snow angel thing. Yeah. I almost caught it, and I promise you, I could've, had I not puked.
Lip
Sure.
I'm surprised you didn't see it. It was all over the Internet. You didn't see the gif?
Lip
No.
Lip
Aw, man. Oh.
Let's go get some lunch. I'm fucking starving.
Lip
Sure, yeah.
Lip
Is this $22 for a grilled cheese?
Who cares? Get what you want I'm gonna splurge and get the Cobb salad. Final answer.
Lip
Oh, salad's splurging?
It has creamy dressing. [Laughs] Oh. So what qualifies you to be a sober companion?
Lip
I don't know, really. I mean, I've never done it before.
Um. Barney trusts me, I guess, and I know how a drunk thinks.
WWaiter
Here we go. Virgin Bloody Mary.
Are you positive it's virgin?
WWaiter
It's absolutely, 100%, a virgin. Uh, and Coke for the gentleman. Let me put this tray down. I'll be right back to take your order.
Kay. This is, like, an entire salad on my glass.
Lip
Oh, yeah. Guess they have to make up for it being a virgin.
[Lips throws glass on ground] Oh, my God.
Lip
Hey, you told Fred the waiter that a virgin meant to make it a double when I was in the bathroom.
Fuck, I miss Barney. [Gets up from table and walks off]
Lip
Sh... Jesus Christ. [Lip takes after Jen]
Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, I have a better one. So Carl's, like, five or six years old, right?
Enough with these Carl stories.
[To Carl] Hey, let me get that.
Wow, looks like you're the one going to prison. Mm, this is amazing.
Lip
I can't believe you've never had White Castle before.
I only eat carrots, and then I throw them up. [They laugh]
All right, so he's five or six years old--
Lip
Wait- wait- wait, is this the penis or the cat story?
And he thought pee was stored in his scrotum.
Lip
But he called it his... [With Ian] Bubble gum.
Yeah. 'Cause it looks like bubble gum.
Is that what that scar is?
Well, and why the hell'd you do that?
I thought I'd save some time, bypass the penis.
See? I'm a genius. Yeah, you're a genius.
Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. I got stuck on the El for 20 minutes.
Nice. Hey, what's going on, Deb?
[Grabs White Castle bag] Ooh. Yes.
Lip
Was it two?
Why is that chick from those makeup commercials having dinner with us? Oh, shit, that's you.
Lip
Hey, she's also done 17 movies and 4 TV shows.
And nominated for three Golden Globes and a People's Choice Award.
You're famous. You make a lot of money doing those commercials, huh?
Kelly: Hey.
Kelly: Say the line.
KLKelly and Lip
come on...
[Turns head dramatically] Face it. You're gorgeous.
Ian: Wow!
Lip
[Clapping hands] Whoo, whoo!
Kelly: Nice.
Ian: Okay, now the Carl cat story. Debs, you take this one.
So one older, two younger. I'm the almost-middle. Someone's got to be the problem child, right? Are you that one in your family?
Lip
All Gallaghers are problem children. This is spicy as hell.
I told you. Arturo knows what's up.
Lip
Yeah.
Anyway, that's what I like about doing hair. You can change it. Grows back. Hair is never the problem child.
Lip
Heh.
Lip
Yeah, I, uh, fix bikes. You know, over at Born Free.
Mm, that's right, with Brad.
Yeah. You know I totally thought he was gay when I first met him?
Lip
Heh, actually, I did too.
Mm. b-t-dubs (by the way), all the women in my family die of ovarian cancer by the time they're 50, so I'm only on this Earth for another 25 years or so.
Lip
Oh. That's a pretty intense first date factoid.
Well, gotta take life by the balls.
Lip
I agree.
Want to try and fuck me properly this time?
Lip
What, like now?
[Lip and Kelly are finished making love in her car]
Lip
So?
Lip
"Eh"?
Like, a... six out of ten.
Lip
What?! I- I need a breakdown of that scorecard. I mean, where- where did I lose points on this?
Well, it wasn't jabby, per se, but it was fairly thrust-y.
Lip
What?!
Thrust, thrust, thrust. You have to rotate.
Lip
Yeah, well, I'd do a hell of a lot better if we were in an actual bed. I mean, this is, what, the smallest car in America? I mean, I'm cramping up.
Did the cavemen have beds? No. Did Tarzan? Did that pro surfer I dated?
Lip
All right, that's it. That's it. We're going again, all right, and I'm not letting you out of this car until I get a ten.
Lip
Hey, I don't care how long this takes.
Okay, well, wake me when it's over.
Lip
All right.
Lip
Yo, yo, yo. All right. I'm gonna tell you something. But when I tell you, don't look, all right?
Lip
This guy has maybe the biggest dick I've ever seen.
Lip
It's bulging through his pants. It's like a fucking balloon animal. Don't look, though. Don't look.
Lip
Dude. No way that's real.
Lip
Bullshit.
You seriously walk around with a giant rubber dildo in your pants?
Lip
[Grabs Tami's hand and starts pulling her out of the room] Come on. We gotta go. I can't live here, all right?
RRealtor
If you don't believe me...
Lip
Hey, no, we believe you, man. We believe you, okay?
That's not real. It's not.
Lip
Either way, I don't want that guy fixing my sink.
[Fiona wakes up, uses Ford's tools to scratch her arm in a cast and gets into shower]
[Pulls open curtains and turns off water] We need our money back.
What the fuck?! What money?!
We've been giving you money for utilities that have not been getting paid. We need that money back.
[Sighs] Fine. Jesus! [Close curtains and turns water on]
The bills are under my name now. That water you're using? We're paying for that. [Fiona scoffs] So, until you repay us what we've been paying you for the last three months, plus your share of rent for the last three months, plus what it cost for me to get shit turned back on, I don't really feel like sharing my water with you.
Yeah, I'll tell you what... you take everything that I owe you from the last three months and subtract it from everything that you owe me for the last years. And when I've used all of the water that I am entitled to some time in, I don't know, then we can talk about who's even. [Shuts curtain and turns water on]
...
[Lip appears in jogging attire] What are you wearing?
Lip
Oh, Tami's mom died of cancer, so her family does a five-K thing every year.
You look sort of ridiculous.
Lip
Everybody looks ridiculous in running shorts.
Debbie! Turn my water on!
Lip
Hey, did you turn the water off on her?
Lip
Deb, she carried us for years... You can give her a break. Turn the water back on!
Once you pay us what you owe us.
I'm gonna get it to you. I just lost track... [Ford pounds on front door]
You owe Carl, Lip, and I; $832.
You don't see Carl going up to my shower, turning my water off!
[Ford continues poundings on front door]
Lip
Stop. Guys!
Lip
The door! Debbie!
If you had the month I had, you would have lost track, too.
[Mockingly] Ooh, my Irish boyfriend left me.
Lip
Stop it!
Go take a flying fuck on a rolling doughnut!
Go take a rolling fuck on a flying doughnut!
[Lets himself in house] Hello? I come in peace.
[Debbie grabs a knife and walks to Ford]
I just want my tools back.
My carpenter tools. They're missing.
Well, why would I know about that?
What, you think I just wandered on to your site and picked them up out of your truck or something?
Or maybe I came into your house in the middle of the night and I watched you sleep for an hour and then I just took them on my way out.
[Scoffs softly] Do you have them or not?
No. [Laughs] You egotistical fuck! I haven't thought about you in weeks!
We thought about you, though.
Guess I'll be going, then.
[Ford walks to his truck and Fiona follows] Yeah. Damn straight you'll be going, 'cause next time, I won't stop them from beating the shit out of you!
If my tools happen to turn up, let me know. That's how I make my living.
Oh, if they "happen to"... fuck you!
MKMajor Keefe
[On phone with Kelly] Get your ass home right now, young lady, or I'm taking your truck keys...
[Debbie comes in house with contractor equipment] What are you doing?
Making this house cost-efficient. Adding insulation to the attic, welding leaking pipes, adding timers to light switches.
MKMajor Keefe
Where are you?
MKMajor Keefe
Then where are you, and when are you coming home?
My whereabouts are confidential.
MKMajor Keefe
Not from your father, they're not.
I'll let you know when the information gets declassified.
MKMajor Keefe
That's it. That's the last...
[Stifling laughter] God, if I knew pissing off my dad would be this much fun, I would've started years ago. Um... I don't think we should be seeing each other anymore.
Uh, because... you're not... hot enough.
[Answers phone] Hello, sir?
MKMajor Keefe
We had a deal, Gallagher.
Uh, now's really not a good time.
[Grabs Carl's phone] Uh... Sorry, Carl Gallagher's phone is out of service. He'll call you back never. [Throws phone on floor]
What the fuck? Why you always got to be throwing my phone like that? [Kelly gets Carl in an armlock on couch] Ow, ow, ow!
Bullshit! A spot at West Point?
No. We... then why are you breaking up with me?
I don't want to mess your future up. Your run times have been up, your test scores have been down ever since you met me. I don't want to screw up your shit to Annapolis.
What if I don't want to go to Annapolis? What if I'm sick of working so hard? What if... I just want to stay here and eat Fritos with your family and watch TV and enjoy life for once?
Lip
[Comes in door] Getting your ass kicked by a girl again, Carl?
Why are you walking like that?
Lip
Just being a superhero in a five-K. He was wearing a 60 pound duffel and combat boots, so... I'm not sure it was that impressive.
[Lip and Tami pull up to the Gallagher residence]
So was it weird buying actual green things at the grocery store?
Lip
Hey, I've bought green things before. Guacamole, Mountain Dew, Jell-O, mint chocolate chip ice cream.
You gonna list every crappy green thing?
Lip
Yeah, I can go on. Shamrock shakes. Green eggs and ham. [Lip and Cami walk up to find Xan sitting on porch steps] Xan?
XXan
I didn't know where else to go.
Lip
[To Xan] Hey, go ahead. Have a cupcake. [To Brad] Hey, man. Um... Cami say anything to you about Tami?
Lip
I don't know. She's acting funny. She was supposed to pick us up this morning... never showed. I didn't hear anything.
Maybe she's not cool with the whole Xan thing. I mean, it's one thing to start dating a guy, but it's another thing to start dating a dad with a preteen. What's she been saying about it?
Lip
Oh, nothing. I mean... I don't know. I guess I didn't really ask.
Women like to be asked everything. I don't buy 1% milk instead of 2% without asking Cami.
Lip
What, you think she's gonna make me choose between her and Xan?
That... that's crazy. I don't know, but you gotta ask. Just ask, pretend-listen, and nod. Works every time.
Lip
Hey, hey. Why the hell'd you let DCFS in here?
I'm sorry. I had no idea who that guy was. I-I didn't...
Lip
Who the fuck did you think that was?! He's wearing a tie and he's got a fucking clipboard.
I was asleep! I'm not a fucking mind reader. Why didn't you tell me they were coming?
Lip
Why didn't I tell you?
Yes. Maybe if I'd known DCFS was dropping by...
Lip
Jesus Christ. Do you have any idea how much you fucked this up for me?
This is not my fault. I did not invite DCFS here.
Lip
Hey, hey, shh.
I did not leave a... a furnace in the house...
Lip
Hey, hey, hey!
...Or kids in a Pack 'n Play, or an open hole in the fucking floor.
Lip
No, but you sure as shit didn't help, Fiona. The old Fiona would've handled this, would've spun shit, would've covered for me.
What was I supposed to do, huh? Bake him a fucking cake?
Lip
No, but I expected you to not be drunk in the middle of the day. How about that, huh?
[Laughs derisively] Maybe I'm tired of playing Susie fucking Sunshine all the time, huh? Think of that? 'Cause if I want to be drunk in the middle of the fucking day, that is my fucking business!
Lip
100 days he was sober, Fiona.
Lip
Jason. My sponsee.
Lip
Jason from the shop. I'm his sponsor. You just got my sponsee fucking drunk.
He didn't say he was your--.
Lip
[Yelling] 100 DAYS HE WAS SOBER!
And that's sad. I'm sorry for him. But it's not my fault. I didn't know.
Lip
No, nothing's your fault anymore, huh?
You weren't there. You don't know.
Lip
I know someone waved vodka in his face. I know when he left you, he called his dealer, and he shot up heroin.
Oh. I'm sorry. Look, I didn't know.
Lip
No, you didn't care enough to know.
[Carl, Debbie and Kelly appear confused]
Lip
Listen to me. I want you out of this fucking house. [Fiona snickers and smiles at Lip]
What'd I miss? Ooh, candy corn.
Lip
It's Fiona's shit.
Why is Fiona's shit in trash bags?
Lip
'Cause I told her to leave and she's still here. Thought I'd give her a hand.
Lip
Yeah, 'cause of Xan and Jason and all the other fucking things. Okay. Look, I'll see you later, all right? I gotta catch Tami before work.
You guys get into a fight or something?
Lip
No, she, uh... she's pregnant.
Holy shit. She gonna keep it?
Lip
Uh, I have no idea.
That'd be so cool. Franny could have a little cousin.
Lip
Yeah, look, I don't know. I just found out yesterday, Debs, so I don't know what the fuck we're gonna do.
You guys could all live here. Tami and I can take turns babysitting.
Lip
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. I'm sorry I mentioned it. [To Franny] You want a cousin, right? Uncle Lip's baby.
TMr. Tamietti
Uh, hi, Mr. Tamietti. You and I need to talk, son.
Lip
Oh, yeah?
TMr. Tamietti
Tami's having this baby, and I need to know what your plan is.
Lip
Uh, she's... she's keeping the baby? I mean, she seemed undecided the last that we, uh...
TMr. Tamietti
Oh, yeah. She's keeping the baby. That's not open for discussion.
Lip
No, no, sir. I just mean, um, last time we talked, she- she seemed unclear about what she wanted to do.
TMr. Tamietti
Oh, it's clear. She's having the baby.
[Debbie, Carl and Kelly burst in front door carrying Frank]
Good God. Almost there. A little help here!
Okay, okay, okay. Put me down. Put me down, no more. Down there!
Is that bone? What the fuck?! Why didn't you call an ambulance?
Lip
Mollies... A few personal items... And acid.
Is that why you didn't want to call an ambulance?
TMr. Tamietti
Uh, who the hell is that?
TMr. Tamietti
Why doesn't he want an ambulance?
Because the paramedics would've emptied his pockets, found the drugs, and called the cops.
Uh, you know, Mr. Tamietti, why don't we go get a cup of coffee or something, yeah? [Leads Mr. Tamietti away]
I had an opportunity to invest some of my Ingrid severance money, and I took it.
If you're done hiding your stash, can I call 911?
Not until my associates come and we complete our transaction.
Shameless · 903 quotes
