Doc quotes from Red vs Blue

Hey, we should start a neighborhood association. It's just like a government, but run by housewives and old people. So it's a lot more efficient at controlling your lives.

Shut up. Get out of my head!

Technically it's my head. But I don't mind sharing. Don't you remember that talk we had about sharing?

Shut up!

[still ringing] For the love of evil, someone get the phone!

[Subtitled, with Lopez off-screen] [still ringing] Why don't you get it?

[still ringing] You fool, can't you see I'm busy with an evil plot! What do I pay you for?

[Subtitled, with Lopez off-screen] [still ringing] To clean up after all your failed plots.

[still ringing] Oh shut up you fool, you don't even have a body!

[Subtitled, with Lopez off-screen] [still ringing] Yes. Because of one of your failed plots.

[still ringing] Why all this bickering, can't we all just get along?

[still ringing] And answer the damn phone!

[Subtitled, with Lopez off-screen] Why do we have a million doomsday devices and no answering machine?

[still ringing] I find you far too sarcastic with just a head.

I haven't been here in quite some time. Which one is the blue base?

It's the blue one.

Oh, yes. They're really thinking outside the box with the design.

Okay, everybody, I'm gonna give Tucker his physical now. Would either of you like to assist?

That's just a fancy way of saying "hold the vomit bucket". Muaheheheh!

Uhh... Sorry, I'm busy.

Caboose?

I can't.

Well, why not?

Oh. Because... I am allergic to things I don't want to do... [Fakes coughing] ...Coughing.

Ok, just more fun for me.

Hey, guys? I've figured out what's wrong.

What is it, Doc?

You're not gonna like the diagnosis.

Hmhmhmhm which is ironic, because I think it's absolutely delightful, muhahahaha.

Just tell us, Doc. We can take it.

Your friend is -

Dying? Oh, no!

No, he's not dying, he just has -

No chance to live. I knew it!

Caboose, one more interruption outta you, and he's gonna have two patients.

How do I say this, your friend is...

Why are you pausing? Caboose is not gonna interrupt you this time.

No, that was just for dramatic effect. He's pregnant.

Oh, good... Wait, what?

Hmhmhmhmhm, preggers, muahaha.

All right, are we paying for this service, because, if we are, I want a refund. And if we're not, I want a refund

No it's true. We found two heartbeats. So unless he has two hearts the only logical explanation is that he's pregnant. I think.

Uh, I think I need to stay here and guaaaaard... this rock. From Tucker. Because I'm pretty sure that's how this whole thing started.

Alright, what's wrong? You seem nervous.

What if Tucker is contagious? I do not want to catch pregnancy!

Hey! No one is pregnant! And seriously, Caboose, when I get done with this, we gotta have a little talk, man. There's a book I've got that we can read together.

(short pause) I'd like that.

Maybe you can have the bowling ball fill you in on some of the basics, let me get you started. There's three holes. (short, maniacal laugh)

Oh, gross

I meant in the bowling ball!

It's true, your friend Tucker is pregnant. See, my little gizmo lights up green to indicate pregnancy.

I thought it lights up green to indicate flesh wounds.

Yeah also that.

And infectious diseases.

Hyeah, it lights up green for just about everything. It takes a while to figure out the difference. Like this green, [points to Church's head] indicates a high level of anger stemming from suppressed feelings of inadequacy.

If that thing keeps talking bad about me, I'm gonna fucking smash it.

[points to Church's crotch] And this green means impotency. Oops, actually that green causes impotency. My bad, Church.

Oh, that's okay. I wasn't using it anyway.

Would this be a bad time to mention that my stomach just started hurting really bad?

Oh, boy. Caboose, you better go boil some water.

How can you think of soup at a time like this?

Hey Blues! Uhp, I mean, blue, we're only gonna give you one chance to surrender.

Wha, why would I—[Sheila fires her cannon.] Hey, hold on a second, Sheila. Why would I Surrender?

Uh, because you're outnumbered.

Bullshit, dude, I got a tank! People with tanks are never outnumbered!

We also think that it's your turn to surrender.

WHAT!?

Well, if you recall, first you surrendered and you gave us Doc, then we surrendered and we gave you the jeep so that means—

Sheila, shut him up.

(quickly ducks behind rock) SON OF A BITCH!!!

Is that a no?!

Okay, guys, I don't mean to be rude, but I've got a missing girlfriend, a guy who's pregnant, an idiot who thinks his pet just died, AND our worst enemy is hanging out unsupervised at our base right now. So I really, really, REALLY don't have time for this horse-shit right now!

...Uh, what was that part about the pregnant guy?

HE'S NOT PREGNANT! That's impossible.

Yeah, unless the Alien impregnated him. That's what they do; they infect the host with a parasitic embryo. But you already knew that, right?

What? NO! Why didn't you tell us that could happen?!

Uhhh...I mean...uhhh—Alien baby?! Uh, that's shocking! I am just as shocked... as you are.

Come in, Church. Come in.

Caboose, what did I tell you man?! You're not supposed to use the radio while O'Malley's here! Oh great. Now I'm on the radio too.

Oh that—that's what I'm calling to tell you. Um, the Reds already used their radio and...O'Malley is gone.

(aggrivated) Oh my God.

Sarge

That's right, Blue! We've called in the cavalry! As we speak, the glorious Red Command is sending a ship to aid us! No doubt it's a battle cruiser of the highest magnitude! It's time to end this thing once and for all!

Congratulations, it's a...thing? Eugh.

Honk honk, HONK! HONNNNK!

What. Was that.

Oh, well that's the other thing I called about. Um...Tucker had his gross baby.

It's not mine!

(about to lose it) He is not PREGNANT!

Hey Doc, we've got problems man, I need to call command....Hello? Earth to Doc. I mean, this place to Doc

Don't you want to say hello to our new friend?

What?

Honk?

I don't... I c- I can't, I can't I don't, this is-

Take your time. This is a big moment.

Blarg.

I don't have time for this right now

Honk.

Shut up you're disgusting

Doc, what is Vic's number?

What for?

For reinforcements. Wait, unless you've had, like, specialized combat training in the last ten minutes?

Uh, nope.

Then, yeah, reinforcements.

Well, I did just change a dirty diaper.

That doesn't count.

I don't know, it was a real doozy... Number 2.

Doc, Focus! Vic's number, what is it?!

C'mon, Church! Everybody remembers Vic's number! Didn't he ever teach you the song?

Oh, right. Vic's jingle

"If you want to talk, don't e-mail, and don't you click-click-click-click, just call me up at 555-V-I-C-K!"

You know, it probably would've been more memorable if it rhymed...or if his name actually ended with a "K".

To mark this message as urgent, press eleven.

THERE IS NO ELEVEN, YOU FUCKING WHORE!

Oooh language.

Doc, we are royally screwed. Half our team is down -

No, it's not. Look! Caboose is already back in action!

[wanders out of Blue base] I'm okay! I'm okay! [falls down] I'm not okay!

He's fine.

Yellow armor? What does yellow armor mean? Is it like some kinda... special ops guy, or... man, this can't be good for us.

What if it's a new gun?

What?! Why am I even talking to you? It's a person! In yellow armor! We already established that!

Oh. Uh, maybe they got their own medic!

A medic? Caboose, we are not that lucky.

See? My suit is purple. Can you say purple? Pur..

Honk...

...ple!

Honk!

Great! Once we learn all the colors, we'll learn why you shouldn't judge people by them.

Yeah, that guy is definitely some kind of special forces. He's probably trained in...knives or...ball-kicking or something.

Maybe he's an alien!

An alien that looks just like the rest of us!?

And that is the scariest kind of alien.

Why are you even here? It would be easier for me to just call random people on the phone and talk to them about this. They would understand the situation better!

Blulululula. BluluLULUla.

Well, look who's awake.

What the fuck happened?

Well, as you may remember, you were impregnated by an alien visitor who was on a noble mission to save his entire species from-

Can I get the short version, please?

Yeah. Ya got knocked up, ya got knocked out.

Oh yeah. I gotta start working out. Lose this baby weight.

Yeah, you know we- we should all start working out, you know especially some of us.

Yeah, some of us seem to have let ourselves go more than others.

Are you guys talking about me?

We, ah, didn't want to say anything.

Yeah. That's why we said something...fatty!

Hey, back off guys! I've been under a lot of stress. I've been carrying this whole fucking team.

Where did you carry us, to the buffet?

He said it.

What are you guys doing up here, anyway? And what's that huge thing?

That's Church.

He means the ship, Caboose!!

He said it.

[talking to Sheila the tank] Yeah, maybe yoga lessons weren't such a good idea after all. Let's try some deep breathing. In through the air filter, out through the manifold. In through the air filter, out through the manifold. [Shelia points her turret at his head] Okay, why don't we try some aversion therapy? Think about something that makes you really angry that isn't me.

Sure. [aims across the gulch, straight at Church far away who sees her taking aim at him throught the sniper rifle]

Uhhh, yeah... I don't feel as good about my plan as I used to.

No way! I'm a lover, not a sneaker!

That's your response to everything.

What can I tell you? I'm a lover, not a thinker.