Doc quotes from Red vs Blue

I talked to Sheila, and you guys were right. She definitely seems a little odd.

Yup. So what do you think?

I... think she seems like there's something wrong.

That's your diagnosis? That's why we sent you down there, man! Because we knew something was wrong!

I'm a medic, what do you want from me?

How 'bout fixing her?

Surprisingly, my medical training didn't really cover internal combustion.

What a shitty medical school.

Yeah, where'd you go, the University of Jamaica?

Oh please, I wouldn't be caught dead on that campus. I went to Jamaica State! We were the Jamaica State Fighting Irish!

That's Notre Dame.

Well, since we're international, we don't really have to adhere to the stringent U.S. copyright laws, so -

Never mind. Just go back down there and see if you can reboot Sheila.

Reboot her?

Yeah, dude, that's how you fix broken stuff. You turn her off, and you turn her back on again. She'll be fine.

I don't think that'll work.

Uh, pardon me, it works great. We already rebooted the toaster, we rebooted the teleporter -

Yeah, I still don't know if that think has got all the bugs worked out.

We even rebooted Caboose's armor once. Although that took a lot longer to come back online than we thought it would.

It was dark and I got to hold my breath. I'm pretty sure there was no side effects.

Hey, who's the yellow soldier?

That's just Sister. She's new.

No one told me about a new arrival! I'm supposed to examine everyone before they assume active duty!

Don't sweat it, I already checked her out for you. Diagnosis: F-I-N-E. [pause] That spells fine.

Thanks, but I think a trained medical professional should be the one to-

I'm a doctor! A doctor of love. PhD. Certified in Love-ology. General Harrastitioner. Sexacologist.

First of all, love is not an officially recognized medical specialty, and also, PhDs? Ha! Not really doctors!

Dude, you're a dork.

Hey.

What's up, Sis? What'd you and Tex talk about?

Uh, she was just talking about everyone here, how you're all idiots and jerks, but you guys are her idiots and jerks, that if I tried to become more popular than her she would talk about me behind my back and turn everyone against me, and then I would cry and everybody would hate me. You know, girl stuff!

Cool. Oh hey, speaking of girl stuff, this is Doc.

Hi!

Uh, hello, nice to meet you, I'm the medic, and if it's all right with you I need to give you a quick physical examination since you're new. Do you want to come in the base where you might feel more comfortable taking off all your clothes?

Sure. Lead the way. See ya, Tucker.

...What the fuck just happened?

Junior? Junior? Hey Junior? Where did you go?

Honk!

There you are!

Honk!

You little rascal.

[quietly and high-pitched] Honk!

Okay, Sister. Any other conditions I should know about?

Umm, Let's see... You know about all the ways I'm contagious...

Hey, what's going on here?

Oh! I'm color-blind!

Really? That's weird, but I don't think it'll cause any problems here. Okay, go ahead and bend over.

Sure. Like this?

Wow! Yeah! You're really limber and in a really great shape.

Yeah I am!

I'm not gonna play against you in Twister.

Check this out!

Wowsers! I didn't even know a leg could bend that far. That is a leg, right? Okay. Oh and by the way, sorry if my hands are cold.

That's cool. Sorry if my body is a little hot.

[standing behind a corner] Hey, do you guys need any help in there?

Is someone spying on us? Yes! Hot!

No, we're good! Hey Sister? You want me to turn up the heat or something? You look like you're...

Eh, I'll be okay. Hard nipples won't kill you.

I could just walk around this corner, if you need me to. Wouldn't be a problem.

We got it! Hey, sorry I got you all wet before. I didn't even know how that bucket of baby oil got up on that shelf. That was weird.

That's okay. I think it will actually help. Squeezing these puppies into the armor could be a little difficult.

Maybe I should just look in there and see if there's anything I can do.

No thanks, Tucker. Maybe they need your help with the tank instead. You'll probably be a lot more valuable out there. What we're doing in here is pretty routine. Hey are you double-jointed?

Yeah.

[sarcastic] Great!

Honk!

Don't rub it in.

[in an apologetic manner] blarg.

Well little dude, I guess there's a time when every little boy becomes a man.

Tucker he's only three days old.

Yeah, they grow up so fast.

Also he's not a boy, he's a grub.

The point is, you're on your own now, and I don't have time to tell you everything you need to know. So here's a few brief pointers: Invest in real estate, there's no such thing as a permanent record, always eat breakfast, all the girls on the internet are actually dudes, and you should never, ever buy the extended warranty on anything. Ever. Oh also, chicks like it when you tell them you're pretty, but they also like it when you're kind of a dick to 'em. So mix it up a little.

Tucker let's go!

Okay, little dude, I gotta go now. Tex needs me and Church to back her up.

Blarg Chicka honk honk.

Huh. I guess you have been teaching him some stuff.

Teach? You don't teach that. Thats just genetic.

Oh my god! Head!

Ok please, really, no more stories.

Seriously, it's a head! Look.

Huh?

(Spanish) Yo.

Oh, it's you.

(Spanish) Whatever, some way to treat your sidekick. Gone for days and you don't even look for me.

You know him?

You speak Spanish?

Uh, of course I do. It's the year 2500 and I'm from America.

Oh, cool. Tell him O'Malley's gone.

(Spanish) O'Malley isn't here. He already left.

(Spanish) Your Spanish sucks.

Donut. Relax. You've been infected by a computer virus and we just need to figure out what to do about it.

(Possessed by O'Malley) HAHAHAHA! NO, it's my body! It's my choice! And another thing, why do I do as much work as you guys but only get 92 percent of-

Sarge

Hey don't hit my soldiers without my permission...(O'Malley infects Sarge) I'm the one who gets to hit my soldiers. MWAHAHAHA! YEAH, eat lead world, drop and give me infinity!

Sarge I think you've finally gone crazy.

Whoa that's weird. I have a sudden urge to conquer the universe. Which is unlike me, considering I'd have to do actual work. I think I'll just fall asleep instead.

We're here, is anyone hurt...

...Or need to be killed? HAHAHA!

I know that laugh. Nobody move!

You know I...I really don't feel all that different. Meh, meh heh, heh, meh, meh, no. Feels pretty much the same. That's kinda weird huh? Expected more...

Where'd he go, where'd he go? Is he gone...Tex?

Church run!

Tex DON'T!

You have no idea how much trouble you are in

(Church and Tucker had just killed Sarge) Okay, hey. We killed one of your guys, and you killed one of ours. That makes us even.

Actually, we killed Tex and Junior, and they killed Sarge. So technically, that means we killed two people and they only killed one. (Church kills him with the sniper rifle) Son of a bitch!

Okay! Now we're even! Seriously! (Blues point guns at Grif and Donut; Grif lobs a grenade, everyone scatters, Donut gets in the ghost) Every man for himself!

Caboose! Get in that tank and give us cover fire.

Okay!

And don't shoot me this time!

Okay (immediately shoots Church)

Son of a bitch!

Wait, what was that first part again?(Grif begins to destroy Caboose's tank) Abandon ship! Running, running, running! (tank blows up)

Don't worry Sister, I'll protect you.

Sarge

Aha! Got you, blues!

Sarge, I thought you were dead!

Sarge

I was dead, Doc revived me!

That's right! And if anyone else needs medical attention, I would be more than happy to hel- (Sarge kills him) Son of a bitch!

Sarge

Oh, I'm sorry! Doc will be unable to assist anyone else. (Sister kills him) Ah, son of a bitch again. Medic!

Well Sister, this looks like it. I don't think we're gonna make it, the reds are on the attack, and now Doc is dead and can't help us.

(dying) Actually, I'm not dead! if you could just hand me my first-aid kit- (Tucker shoots him) Oh, son of a bitch!

And now that Doc is actually dead, I don't think we're gonna make it. I don't wanna die a virgin!

Ooh! Yeah!

Wouldn't you rather spend your last few moments as a lover and not as a fighter?

I never thought about that, Uh-huh.

I've always wanted to go out-

Hey, uh, no offense, are you gonna keep talking or are we gonna see some action!

Bow Chicka Bow- (Grif shoots him) Ow!

Stay away from my sister!

Son of a bitch!

Grif, I liked him! He was nice to me! (kills Grif)

Son of a bitch!

(Donut runs her over with his ghost) Son of a bitch! I can't believe you'd hit a girl!

Whatever, bitch! Reow! (Caboose is running away, picks up a rocket launcher) Now it's time to pound some Caboose! Woo-hoo! (drives toward him; Caboose blows him up with the rocket launcher) Son of a bitch!

I won! I am the greatest! I beat everyone! And now, no one is left but me! (ghost lands on him, kills him) Son of a bitch.

Trust me, I'm a doctor!

No You're not! You just play one on the internet!

Hey Doc, nobody likes you.

What? What are you talking about, everybody likes me!

Everybody hates you. You don't fit in.

Oh? I think I fit in just fine.

Really.

Yes.

Okay, let me ask you this, Doc. What's your zombie plan?

My what?

There's two kinds of people in the world, Doc. Those who have a plan prepared for when the zombies take over the Earth, and those who don't. We call those last people dinner.

Nobody does that!

In my zombie plan, I'm going to Alaska, because zombies have no body heat. They'll freeze like corpse-sicles! It's brilliant!

Nobody else thinks about stuff like that!

Hey Simmons!

What?

What's your zombie plan?

I have two weeks worth of food stored in my attic. I climb up and pull up the ladder with me.

What?!

What happens at the ends of the two weeks?

Oh, I'm keeping that to myself! I don't want to risk you turning into a zombie and knowing what I'm up to!

Oh, come on!

You still doin Alaska?

You know it!

You'll never make it Grif, the major freeways will be choked with stalled cars and people trying to flee the major population centers! Its going to be nothing but a tasty flesh bottleneck!

Good luck to you Grif!

Good luck to you too Simmons!

Are you guys brain-damaged?

Sarge

Hey you knuckleheads, what's all the yammering about?

Hey Sarge, do you have a, quote, "zombie plan", unquote?

Sarge

A zombie plan? Of course not!

See? I told you.

Sarge

I have 37 different zombie plans!

Wow. Now that's preperation! I am seriously impressed, Sarge.

Sarge

Well don't be, dirtbag. In 36 of the 37 plans I use your fresh corpse as bait, so that I can make my initial escape from the legions of the undead!

Well, at least I know there's one plan where I-

Sarge

In the 37th plan, I knowingly infect myself with the zombie virus, just so I can devour you!

Sarge, you gotta be pulling my leg.

Sarge

Why do you think I carry a shotgun with me at all times? You have to be ready to act on a moments notice! Hyah!

Guys, with all the problems in the world, I can't believe you spend this much time thinking about- [moaning in the distance] What's that?

Sarge

Romero's beard! The Blues have been infected!

If anyone needs me I'll be in the attic!

Hello Juneau!

Sarge

Wait, Grif! I need your delicious meat for most of my plans! Hey there Doc, you a, don't wanna give me a hand with somethin do ya?

No.

Sarge

Where's your moistious meat?

Hey everyone! You know, it's this time of year our thoughts turn to our family and our friends.

That's why we here at Red Versus Blue want to wish every one of you a very merry Chris-

Hold it right there, guys!

Doc, stop interrupting our holiday message.

Uh, yeah. Listen guys, you should really know the holidays can be one of the most offensive times of the year.

Offensive? Holidays are awesome! You get tons of Christmas presents, and you get a bunch of candy canes!

But just think about how exclusionary that statement is to people that don't celebrate Christmas! Or to dentists, or to people who use canes!

Huh. I never looked at it that way.

Oh come on. I suppose you want to chicken out and just say Happy Holidays?

Yeah, I don't know. Holidays implies holy. Some people aren't religious at all! Also the word happy might be insensitive to people who suffer from depression.

What?

He's right, you know. Each year, clinical depression affects millions of Americans.

Don't say Americans!

Oops, right, you're right. Sorry. [Grif just stares at Doc]

What? It's a global platform!

Doc and Simmons are worried about offending people that don't celebrate Christmas. [Doc makes a whiny noise] I mean the holidays.

Eh, still kinda...

[sighs] That don't celebrate a special time at the end of the year. Is that better?

The Aztecs use a different calendar. The end of their year is actually-

Oh come on! The Aztecs have been dead for like a billion years!

Sarge

For once I agree with Grif. This is total nonsense! This is our show. We can say whatever kind of greeting we want!

Okay, let's all just calm down before somebody gets too festive. Ahem, pardon me, I meant seasonally excited.

Sarge

That's a bunch of Rudolph droppings if you ask me. I'm not scared of offending people, just watch me go. Hi, this is Sarge from Red Versus Blue, and I want to wish everybody a very merry- [an Xbox 360 guide menu pops up in front of him and the screen goes black and white] Hey, get that thing out of here! {the menu closes] And give us back our color! [the color returns] That's better. Now as I was saying-

Uh, Sarge? I'd be careful if I were you.

Sarge

They can't stop the signal. Now on behalf of everyone here at Red Versus Blue, we want to wish you all out there a very Merry- [Sarge vanishes]. (An Xbox 360 alert pops up and says "GrifKilla51" signed out)

Whoa, what happened? Where'd Sarge go?

I guess they stopped the signal.

Well, okay. If we can't say Happy Holidays, what can we say?

Just think of something as inoffensive as possible.

What if we just say hi? Hello.

In what language?

How 'bout we just send a universal mathematical message with no implied emotion?

Would you send it in hexadecimal?

Sure.