Tucker quotes from Red vs Blue

And this is Tucker.

Sup.

Hey.

Tucker's job is to do... what... I guess nothing.

I'm just chillin'. That's the only rule on blue team, rookie. Be cool.

I thought the only rule was don't kill the leader?

Yeah, but we break that rule all the time. That's what makes us so cool.

Awesome. On the red team, they break that rule-

Blarg.

Oh cool! You have a dog?

Uh, that's not a dog. That's my kid.

Oh, cool! You have a kid that looks like a dog?

Nice save. Hey, you know what? I think I have the perfect tour guide for you. Hey Caboose! Come here!

I thought about having a kid once.

Oh, really? It's a lot of work.

Yeah, it seems like it would be hard. But I thought, you know, who wants to be known as the girl who's had seven abortions?

Heh, yeah... Wait, what?

Alright, this is Caboose. He can tell you everything you possibly need to know about blue base.

[whispering] Is she a mean girl, or a regular girl?

Caboose, what did I tell you?

That there are no regular girls.

Exactly. Alright just stick with him, ask him any questions you have, and don't bother me or tucker.

What do I tell her?

Well, I already know the rule.

I hate that stupid rule!

Go show her Doc and Sheila.

The purple one is Doc, and the big one is Sheila.

You know, I was really wishing that would take longer. And further away.

Who's the black one?

The black one?

Yeah, the one in the black armor! The one standing right behind you guys.

The black one! Yeah. [pause] Wait, what?

Yup, that's the hole all right.

That's what I told you!

Huh. And Sarge's body is gone.

Right. I think he fell through that hole into the cavern.

Maybe he just disappeared. Dead things do that when you bury them. That's part of the circle of life, you know. It's a miracle when you think about it. No reason to go randomly exploring caves which may or may not contain hundreds of evil bats. That would just be interfering with God's divine plan!

Okay, A: Sarge wasn't dead. B: Decomposing takes months, not minutes. C: His armor would still be here, and D: Shut up, you're going down there. NOW.

Why? What do we really need Sarge for anyway? All he ever did was yell at us a bunch and tell us we suck. We'll just split up his duties. You yell at me and I'll tell you you suck.

Shut up and get in the hole, Grif!

You suck, Simmons. Oh man, this new system is already working out great! We should have thought of this years ago!

Grif, don't you understand that because we lost Sister, we're horribly outnumbered? We already lost Donut and Sarge. Now it's four on two! The blues are probably gearing up for an enormous attack right now! At any moment they're going to come over that hill, guns blazing, yelling "CHAAAARGE!"

RETREAT!

Ahh!

Sprinting! Sprinting! Oh, crap!

Who is that?

That's Tex.

Whoa! He's a badass!

[catches a bullet in the helmet] Ow.

He's kinda hot.

Tex isn't a guy; she's a girl.

Ohh, sorry, she is a badass. She's kinda hot.

[as they take cover behind the base] She's actually Church's ex-girlfriend.

Oh, yeah? Why aren't you guys dating anymore? [Tex throws another grenade at them which explodes nearby]

Are you seriously asking that question right now?

The last time I was shot I got a purple heart. Yeah, I hope this time I get a purple lung. You see, eventually I hope to build an entire purple person. And we will be best friends.

Maybe you should ask for a purple brain.

You're just jealous 'cause you have no friends.

Why is she shooting at us?

How do I know? And why are you acting like this is unusual?

Well, go out there and tell her to stop!

Yeah... I'll get right on that.

Aren't you like, the leader, or something?

Uh, yeah, Sister, I am the leader, which is why I am officially appointing you our field negotiator.

Awesome!

Yes, congratulations, we're all very proud of you. Your first job is to get Tex to stop firing at us.

Cool. [stands up] Hey Tex! Stop shooting, you stupid bitch!

Nice negotiating. [Tex stops shooting]

She stopped firing. I think that actually worked. Maybe she's out of ammo. Let me check.

[stands up, and promptly gets shot in the head by a sniper round] Nope, she still has ammo.

Nice recon work.

I'm gonna go get my body back.

Yeah, good idea.

Hey, Tucker, is my body on straight?

Dude, I don't even know what that means.

Freeze! Nobody move!

We were already not moving. You could've just said "everyone keep doing what your not doing."

Shut up!

Whatever.

Tex, what is your problem?

My problem is that O'Malley isn't in Doc anymore. He's jumped into somebody new, and I'm not trusting anyone 'til I find out who.

Yeah, we already know we're on top of the situation.

You are, then who did O'Malley jump into.

Oh yeah I meant-I meant we were on top of everything until that point.

Typical..

Who's O'Malley?

Ah, its just some computer program that wants to destroy the universe. He infects people from time to time but, its no big deal.

Sounds scary.

Oh, it's all good, baby. I'll protect you.

Yeah, that's what the last guy said and now I can't stop scratching

Okay, never mind.

None of us are infected, Tex, but I'm a little worried about the tank, she's been acting a little weird lately. Can an AI be planted on... [pauses] Tex?

Who's the girl?

What? Who, Sister? Oh, she's just a new recruit.

You mean to tell me that I'm only gone a few weeks, and you guys get yourself a new girl?

Oh... um...

Whoa. Tread lightly, dude, tread... lightly.

You know, I wasn't actually scared, until right just now.

Oh, this is not gonna work out well for us.

Dude, are you kidding? We finally have two girls on our team! You know what that means!

Yeah! Co-ed softball team! I'm gonna go get my baseball racquet.

Tucker, I know what you're thinking, and it's not gonna happen.

Oh, why not?

Because girls can't share anything. Not even an apartment. Every time girls live together, within six months they all hate each other, and somebody gets stuck with a $1200 phone bill. That's fact.

Ah, let them fight. As long as we get to watch them making up who cares? We can even record it and sell copies to the Reds!

No way! I'm a lover, not a sneaker!

That's your response to everything.

What can I tell you? I'm a lover, not a thinker.

I talked to Sheila, and you guys were right. She definitely seems a little odd.

Yup. So what do you think?

I... think she seems like there's something wrong.

That's your diagnosis? That's why we sent you down there, man! Because we knew something was wrong!

I'm a medic, what do you want from me?

How 'bout fixing her?

Surprisingly, my medical training didn't really cover internal combustion.

What a shitty medical school.

Yeah, where'd you go, the University of Jamaica?

Oh please, I wouldn't be caught dead on that campus. I went to Jamaica State! We were the Jamaica State Fighting Irish!

That's Notre Dame.

Well, since we're international, we don't really have to adhere to the stringent U.S. copyright laws, so -

Never mind. Just go back down there and see if you can reboot Sheila.

Reboot her?

Yeah, dude, that's how you fix broken stuff. You turn her off, and you turn her back on again. She'll be fine.

I don't think that'll work.

Uh, pardon me, it works great. We already rebooted the toaster, we rebooted the teleporter -

Yeah, I still don't know if that think has got all the bugs worked out.

We even rebooted Caboose's armor once. Although that took a lot longer to come back online than we thought it would.

It was dark and I got to hold my breath. I'm pretty sure there was no side effects.

Hey, who's the yellow soldier?

That's just Sister. She's new.

No one told me about a new arrival! I'm supposed to examine everyone before they assume active duty!

Don't sweat it, I already checked her out for you. Diagnosis: F-I-N-E. [pause] That spells fine.

Thanks, but I think a trained medical professional should be the one to-

I'm a doctor! A doctor of love. PhD. Certified in Love-ology. General Harrastitioner. Sexacologist.

First of all, love is not an officially recognized medical specialty, and also, PhDs? Ha! Not really doctors!

Dude, you're a dork.

Hey.

What's up, Sis? What'd you and Tex talk about?

Uh, she was just talking about everyone here, how you're all idiots and jerks, but you guys are her idiots and jerks, that if I tried to become more popular than her she would talk about me behind my back and turn everyone against me, and then I would cry and everybody would hate me. You know, girl stuff!

Cool. Oh hey, speaking of girl stuff, this is Doc.

Hi!

Uh, hello, nice to meet you, I'm the medic, and if it's all right with you I need to give you a quick physical examination since you're new. Do you want to come in the base where you might feel more comfortable taking off all your clothes?

Sure. Lead the way. See ya, Tucker.

...What the fuck just happened?

Just smooth talk her!

Uh, I don't know how to do that.

Just tell her she's pretty! Or that she's got that new tank smell, or something. Complement her treads, it doesn't matter!

I don't know...

It's easy! Look, here, just practice on Tex. She's... womanish.

Pardon me?

Do you want Caboose to run decoy for you, or do you want to try this on your own? [Sheila fires a blast into the canyon wall]

[Pause] I see your point.

Go ahead.

Hello... Tex... [Tucker runs up]

Dude, you will not believe what Doc just pulled off!

Shut up, Tucker, don't interrupt.

Interrupt what?

Tex... I think you are pretty... and you haven't hurt my body in a long time, so I was hoping that we could talk and be friends maybe and hold hands and you would go with me, and when you went with me you would be my real girlfriend.

[Forced] I think that would be... nice, Caboose. We should definitely... [sigh] do that.

What the hell? Tex, have you gone crazy? If you wanna get with somebody, get with me! The love doctor! I'm a real man! I will rock your fucking world! [Tex looks to Church]

Hey, don't look at me. He's not part of the plan. [Tex smashes Tucker's face with her rifle]

Ow! What is going on around here?

I don't think I'm going to use Tucker's "rock your world" line. I think I'm gonna stick with my own material.

Well, I suppose I should figure out a way to get Tex to reboot Sheila. Man, I'm gonna have to call in a lot of favors for this one.

What favors could you possibly have stored up with someone who dumped you?

She didn't dump me, Tucker, it was mutual.

Mutual in what way? Mutual in the sense that you were both single the moment after she dumped you?

Yeah. That way. C'mon, Caboose. Let's go explain the plan to Tex. Wish us luck.

Yeah right. Hey, when she kills you, I'm gonna sell your armor to that pink guy on the red team. I hear he's in the market.

Junior? Junior? Hey Junior? Where did you go?

Honk!

There you are!

Honk!

You little rascal.

[quietly and high-pitched] Honk!

Okay, Sister. Any other conditions I should know about?

Umm, Let's see... You know about all the ways I'm contagious...

Hey, what's going on here?

Oh! I'm color-blind!

Really? That's weird, but I don't think it'll cause any problems here. Okay, go ahead and bend over.

Sure. Like this?

Wow! Yeah! You're really limber and in a really great shape.

Yeah I am!

I'm not gonna play against you in Twister.

Check this out!

Wowsers! I didn't even know a leg could bend that far. That is a leg, right? Okay. Oh and by the way, sorry if my hands are cold.

That's cool. Sorry if my body is a little hot.

[standing behind a corner] Hey, do you guys need any help in there?

Is someone spying on us? Yes! Hot!

No, we're good! Hey Sister? You want me to turn up the heat or something? You look like you're...

Eh, I'll be okay. Hard nipples won't kill you.

I could just walk around this corner, if you need me to. Wouldn't be a problem.

We got it! Hey, sorry I got you all wet before. I didn't even know how that bucket of baby oil got up on that shelf. That was weird.

That's okay. I think it will actually help. Squeezing these puppies into the armor could be a little difficult.

Maybe I should just look in there and see if there's anything I can do.

No thanks, Tucker. Maybe they need your help with the tank instead. You'll probably be a lot more valuable out there. What we're doing in here is pretty routine. Hey are you double-jointed?

Yeah.

[sarcastic] Great!

Honk!

Don't rub it in.

[in an apologetic manner] blarg.

If we set up a hard-line, yeah, I bet we could do it.

CHURCH, WAIT!

Huh?

Church, hold on a second, I've got something to tell you!

Tucker, what? What is it?

I just wanted to say... I got a hard-line Tex can use. Bow chicka bow wow.

How did you even hear that?

Phh, I'm like Superman, I know when I'm needed.

Well little dude, I guess there's a time when every little boy becomes a man.

Tucker he's only three days old.

Yeah, they grow up so fast.

Also he's not a boy, he's a grub.

The point is, you're on your own now, and I don't have time to tell you everything you need to know. So here's a few brief pointers: Invest in real estate, there's no such thing as a permanent record, always eat breakfast, all the girls on the internet are actually dudes, and you should never, ever buy the extended warranty on anything. Ever. Oh also, chicks like it when you tell them you're pretty, but they also like it when you're kind of a dick to 'em. So mix it up a little.

Tucker let's go!

Okay, little dude, I gotta go now. Tex needs me and Church to back her up.

Blarg Chicka honk honk.

Huh. I guess you have been teaching him some stuff.

Teach? You don't teach that. Thats just genetic.

(through the sniper scope) I don't see anything at all. It's like they're all hiding or somethin'.

Uh, what do you see?

(annoyed) I just said I don't see anything, I just said that.

(whiny) Man, I hate that I never get the fucking sniper rifle!

Oh, yeah, boo hoo. All you've got is your stupid awesome sword, I feel so sorry for you.

Come on dude, just once. Let me use it, just one time, I won't ever ask again! Pleeeeeeeease? Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?

Can I use the sword?

Oh, hell yes!

Fine, here.

Oh kickass! [They swap weapons.] Heh heh! Okay no, wait, how do I zoom? I'm zoomed!

Hey Tucker, the sword doesn't even work. What a fuckin' gyp.

Okay, whatever dude, just don't-

OW!

What the fuck, did you just fire that thing?

Oops! That was an accident.

We're supposed to be sneaking up on them, dumbass! [Tucker sees Tex approaching them through the scope.] They're gonna hear us, gimme it back!

Um, yeah, okay take it back.

I knew there was a reason I didn't let you use this thing all these years. Hey, Tex, what're you doing back?

OW! What the fuck did I do!?

Asshole!

I told him to be careful with that thing. He's just not very good with it.

Looks like the reds pulled out. Does that mean we win?

I suppose so. I guess that means we have two bases in the middle of a box canyon.

Whoop-dee-fuckin-doo.

Why do you want my kid?

Because he's very special.

Yeah, I guess I should've read to him more.

Not that kind of special you half wit!