Tucker quotes from Red vs Blue

What if I have to kill stuff, dude? I'm a lover not a fighter.

Yeah Tucker, I'm the same way. That's why we get along so well, we're both just a couple of lovers.

That sounded kinda gay, dude.

Yeah, it did... umm... I feel obligated to say something encouraging as your boss.

Our captain died, you're just the guy pretending to be my boss.

Y-you know in our given situation technically you could be seen as one of my employees.

Except that I'm not.

(sigh, frustrated) Whatever, listen I just- as... as someone in an employee-manager relationship...

Which doesn't exist.

(sighs)

Why did you pull me aside again?

I'm sure it was to say something inspiring or... something, but now I just don't care.

Honk

Yeah. I agree; Earth sucks!

Earth does not suck, Earth rules! We invented the telephone.

Blargh blargh.

He says they invented the telephone too, and they did it a thousand years before you did!

Oh, and what did they have to say on it? "Blargh blargh honk honk"? Who the fuck wants to hear that?

I'm tellin' you, the alien has really been creepin' me out lately. Every time I wake up, he's hovering over me. It's really weird.

I'm sure he's just safeguarding his sword. I mean, my sword.

Maybe he just wants to steal your breath.

Oh, look who's back, the conquering heroes! What's up guys?

Meh.

Hey, where's Tex?

Gone.

Where's the alien?

Dead.

Well, how'd the quest go?

Failed.

Yeah, you know, I, I probably didn't even need to ask that last question, did I?

Well, is Tex okay?

She's fine. None of us are that lucky. She chased after Wyoming.

Tex?

Yeah.

Wyoming?

Yes.

Massachusetts!

Seriously, stop it.

(retches)

That better have been in your bucket!

I'll get the mop.

Would this be a bad time to mention that my stomach just started hurting really bad?

Oh, boy. Caboose, you better go boil some water.

How can you think of soup at a time like this?

Hey Blues! Uhp, I mean, blue, we're only gonna give you one chance to surrender.

Wha, why would I—[Sheila fires her cannon.] Hey, hold on a second, Sheila. Why would I Surrender?

Uh, because you're outnumbered.

Bullshit, dude, I got a tank! People with tanks are never outnumbered!

We also think that it's your turn to surrender.

WHAT!?

Well, if you recall, first you surrendered and you gave us Doc, then we surrendered and we gave you the jeep so that means—

Sheila, shut him up.

(quickly ducks behind rock) SON OF A BITCH!!!

Is that a no?!

Okay, guys, I don't mean to be rude, but I've got a missing girlfriend, a guy who's pregnant, an idiot who thinks his pet just died, AND our worst enemy is hanging out unsupervised at our base right now. So I really, really, REALLY don't have time for this horse-shit right now!

...Uh, what was that part about the pregnant guy?

HE'S NOT PREGNANT! That's impossible.

Yeah, unless the Alien impregnated him. That's what they do; they infect the host with a parasitic embryo. But you already knew that, right?

What? NO! Why didn't you tell us that could happen?!

Uhhh...I mean...uhhh—Alien baby?! Uh, that's shocking! I am just as shocked... as you are.

Come in, Church. Come in.

Caboose, what did I tell you man?! You're not supposed to use the radio while O'Malley's here! Oh great. Now I'm on the radio too.

Oh that—that's what I'm calling to tell you. Um, the Reds already used their radio and...O'Malley is gone.

(aggrivated) Oh my God.

Sarge

That's right, Blue! We've called in the cavalry! As we speak, the glorious Red Command is sending a ship to aid us! No doubt it's a battle cruiser of the highest magnitude! It's time to end this thing once and for all!

Congratulations, it's a...thing? Eugh.

Honk honk, HONK! HONNNNK!

What. Was that.

Oh, well that's the other thing I called about. Um...Tucker had his gross baby.

It's not mine!

(about to lose it) He is not PREGNANT!

Yellow armor? What does yellow armor mean? Is it like some kinda... special ops guy, or... man, this can't be good for us.

What if it's a new gun?

What?! Why am I even talking to you? It's a person! In yellow armor! We already established that!

Oh. Uh, maybe they got their own medic!

A medic? Caboose, we are not that lucky.

See? My suit is purple. Can you say purple? Pur..

Honk...

...ple!

Honk!

Great! Once we learn all the colors, we'll learn why you shouldn't judge people by them.

Yeah, that guy is definitely some kind of special forces. He's probably trained in...knives or...ball-kicking or something.

Maybe he's an alien!

An alien that looks just like the rest of us!?

And that is the scariest kind of alien.

Why are you even here? It would be easier for me to just call random people on the phone and talk to them about this. They would understand the situation better!

Blulululula. BluluLULUla.

Well, look who's awake.

What the fuck happened?

Well, as you may remember, you were impregnated by an alien visitor who was on a noble mission to save his entire species from-

Can I get the short version, please?

Yeah. Ya got knocked up, ya got knocked out.

Oh yeah. I gotta start working out. Lose this baby weight.

Yeah, you know we- we should all start working out, you know especially some of us.

Yeah, some of us seem to have let ourselves go more than others.

Are you guys talking about me?

We, ah, didn't want to say anything.

Yeah. That's why we said something...fatty!

Hey, back off guys! I've been under a lot of stress. I've been carrying this whole fucking team.

Where did you carry us, to the buffet?

He said it.

What are you guys doing up here, anyway? And what's that huge thing?

That's Church.

He means the ship, Caboose!!

He said it.

So, this is it, Tucker. This is your little monstrosity. Your little abomination of nature.

Uh, what do I do?

Why are you asking me?

I don't know how to be a dad! This isn't the way I planned it!

You planned this? Tucker, I had no idea.

No, I mean I always wanted to have the ideal father-son relationship. You know, where I see him for like eight hours every week and send checks to some woman I hate.

It's emotional conversations like this that make me miss my mom.

Ask him if he likes baseball.

It's an alien baby, Caboose.

Ask him if he likes t-ball.

Alien, Caboose. Alien was the key word in that sentence.

Seriously, don't go. I don't even know where to start.

Tucker, he's part of an alien race whose only purpose seems to be to tell huge, grandiose lies to people so that they can seduce them and impregnate them. So let's start with that. You know, common ground.

Yeah, I think I'll just stick to baseball.

Tell him about how his dad got to third base with you!

(annoyed) Caboose!

Yeah, this is bullshit.

Ask for something else.

Uh, we want something else!

What? I'm releasing a hostage! You don't negotiate up from there!

Got any money?

Fuck you, dude! [turns to his sister] Get going. Call me if you have any problems. And don't go near any reds from now on. I'll try to keep our team distracted so they won't attack you. Whatever you do, don't embarrass the family. Think of mom.

Don't do me any favors, bitch.

What else was on the ship?

What do you mean?

Y'know like guns or weapons...

Or snacks! [To Church] Dude I'm just asking 'cause I know you want it too.

Nope, just the girl! Sorry, there weren't any more aliens for you guys to fuck!

That's okay, we can still fuck this one!

Woo-hoo!

God damn it! Never mind, just send her back!

No take backs!

Oh, what the fuck?!

[runs up] Oh my God, Grif, he's gone!

Who's gone?

Sarge, he's missing! I dug up his grave and he's not in there!

What? Did you dig in the right spot?

Oh, you're right. Maybe I dug up one of the other fresh graves that we just made. I didn't fucking think of that!

Oh, calm down.

Don't tell me to be calm, we're down two men now! Well, at least we still have the blue prisoner we can use as leverage. Hey, what are you doing out here in the middle of the canyon?

Uh, nothing. So, that Sarge thing's pretty crazy.

Hey, is that your sister over there with the blues? [as Grif slowly leaves] What's she doing over there? Why are they all high fiving? Are they making a cheerleading pyramid? Wow, they're really tossing her high in the air. Grif? Grif? Hey where'd he go?

Dude, I've had about all the cross-species babies I can take for a while. The last thing I need is a junior Caboose running around with a 130 millimeter cannon for a head. Your little devil spawn is enough for me.

Don't talk about my kid like that!

What's your deal?

I don't know, I think I'm kind of getting into this whole parenting thing. I caught myself looking at minivans the other day. [shudders] Ugh!

Oh, what, the Reds are giving us prisoners now? Dude, that sounds like bullshit, I smell a trap.

Reds aren't that smart.

Okay, normally I would agree with that, but this is the orange one, he's pretty crafty. He's a lot like me.

Like you? Shit. Then do I have time to put in my earplugs and hide all our food?

Up yours, dickhead.