Tucker quotes from Red vs Blue

Church! I'm coming to help! Don't start without me!

It's the idiot! Take care of him.

Right.

Caboose! No! Stay back! Don't get near the tank! (Gary opens fire on Caboose) tank-!

Uuuggaah!!!

Caboose! NOOOOOO!

I'm coming to help! Don't start without me!

Caboose, get the fuck out of here!!!

OK bye, I don't want to help anymore.

Sarge

Whoa, looks like the white guy just got stabbed.

Hey, speaking of getting stabbed... why does my head really hurt, all of a sudden? For some reason, I want a beer...

Caboose, that's why I always liked you, everything falls into two categories: either you don't understand it or you just don't care.

Yeeah, I don't really know what you mean by that... but I guess it doesn't matter.

Exactly.

Why didn't you ask Tex or Church?... Is it because I'm the best?

No, it's because Church is an asshole and Tex doesn't trust me right now.

Really? Why not?

Ehh, because I got to use the sniper rifle and I ended up unloading a round into her ass.

Hey Chicka Bum Bum!

Caboose! What did I tell you about that?

Sorry. Sorry.

Ow, the back of my lower legs!

Ow, the side of my head!

The back of my face!

The front of my front!

Hey Church, I think Tex is over here!

(sarcasticly) Thanks for the update!

I told you to disable the ship, not destroy it!

Sarge

Oh yeah, well, score one for the Red team I guess.

What about my kid?!

Sarge

Oh, right, score two.

(Church and Tucker had just killed Sarge) Okay, hey. We killed one of your guys, and you killed one of ours. That makes us even.

Actually, we killed Tex and Junior, and they killed Sarge. So technically, that means we killed two people and they only killed one. (Church kills him with the sniper rifle) Son of a bitch!

Okay! Now we're even! Seriously! (Blues point guns at Grif and Donut; Grif lobs a grenade, everyone scatters, Donut gets in the ghost) Every man for himself!

Caboose! Get in that tank and give us cover fire.

Okay!

And don't shoot me this time!

Okay (immediately shoots Church)

Son of a bitch!

Wait, what was that first part again?(Grif begins to destroy Caboose's tank) Abandon ship! Running, running, running! (tank blows up)

Don't worry Sister, I'll protect you.

Sarge

Aha! Got you, blues!

Sarge, I thought you were dead!

Sarge

I was dead, Doc revived me!

That's right! And if anyone else needs medical attention, I would be more than happy to hel- (Sarge kills him) Son of a bitch!

Sarge

Oh, I'm sorry! Doc will be unable to assist anyone else. (Sister kills him) Ah, son of a bitch again. Medic!

Well Sister, this looks like it. I don't think we're gonna make it, the reds are on the attack, and now Doc is dead and can't help us.

(dying) Actually, I'm not dead! if you could just hand me my first-aid kit- (Tucker shoots him) Oh, son of a bitch!

And now that Doc is actually dead, I don't think we're gonna make it. I don't wanna die a virgin!

Ooh! Yeah!

Wouldn't you rather spend your last few moments as a lover and not as a fighter?

I never thought about that, Uh-huh.

I've always wanted to go out-

Hey, uh, no offense, are you gonna keep talking or are we gonna see some action!

Bow Chicka Bow- (Grif shoots him) Ow!

Stay away from my sister!

Son of a bitch!

Grif, I liked him! He was nice to me! (kills Grif)

Son of a bitch!

(Donut runs her over with his ghost) Son of a bitch! I can't believe you'd hit a girl!

Whatever, bitch! Reow! (Caboose is running away, picks up a rocket launcher) Now it's time to pound some Caboose! Woo-hoo! (drives toward him; Caboose blows him up with the rocket launcher) Son of a bitch!

I won! I am the greatest! I beat everyone! And now, no one is left but me! (ghost lands on him, kills him) Son of a bitch.

Hi. My name is Leonard Church. But nobody calls me Leonard. Most people call me Church. Sometimes they call me Alpha, and a few people even know me as the Director. But I haven't been called that in a really, really long time. You see, I know that when you look at me, I know I look like a super badass space warrior, but I'm not. I'm actually a-

(From off-screen) Hey, Church!

Uh... (Clears throat) Just, uh, ignore. Uh... I'm actually a computer program that's been reincarnated in the memory of-

Church!

I'm actually a computer program-

Hey, Church!

That's been reincarnated in the memory of a-

Where the hell are you?!

OK, I'm just gonna start over. I'm just gonna... Just go back to the beginning.

Church!

Hi-

Church!

My name is Leonard Church-

Church!

But nobody calls me that-

(Appearing on the cliff face) Hey, Church, come on!

(Grunts in annoyance) GOD DAMN IT! WHAT!? WHAT DO YOU WANT!?

Come on! Get up here!

Yeah, okay, hold on! For God's sake, I'm coming!

What happened?

One of the Reds just shot Church in the foot.

Ow, that fuckin' hurt!

I don't really see how we can, I can't really get a clear shot of Church from this angle.

Ow, man you guys are a bunch of dicks. I just got this foot.

Mwhahaha!! Blarg blarg honk, haha!

Mwhaha! Blarg honk, you say? hmm haha fools.

Sarge

Blargity blarg... Ya honkbag.

Honk honk blarg blarg. Honkhonkblargblarg. Honk-honky blarg?

Sarge

Blarg. And also, honk. Are these really my lines? This is ridiculous! Who wrote this?!

Line...

Sarge

Enough blargin, when do I get to beat up Grif? He's got a honking coming to him!

Whats the motivation here? Is there like, a boss alien whose ass I should be kissing? Honk honk blarg, sir!

Hey Simmons. Is it just me, or do you have your head halfway up Sarge's blonk?

Hey, guys! Honk honk blarg blarg. Honk blarg blarg, blarg honk!

This is stupid. This character has less lines than I do.

Blargever, dude.

What am I talking about?

I'm an alien.

Well, what do the alien chicks look like?

I AM AN ALIEN!

Do they like to honk?

(not pausing) I'm an alien, I'm an alien, I'm an alien, I'm an alien.

Honk honk, blarg blarg, goddammit, honk.

[As a Wraith tank] Honk honk. Firing main blarg

[Fires sniper rifle] See? I'm telling you, there is something wrong with this honking thing. It doesn't work as an alien or as a person.

(after a long pause) ...El honk.

Hey reds, you honk! Blue blargs!

Who wants to see my honk honk? Go on, give it a blarg!

Shut the blarg up!!!

What's the deal, dude? I've been here all day and I haven't even been in a single shot yet. Why did you guys call me down here?

What are you bitchin' at me for?

Ow!

Oh, come on, Sarge!

Sarge

Oh, I'm sorry. Don't let me interrupt all your fancy dyin' talk. NOW DIE!

Ow!

Hey Church, I'm still trying to figure out what to get Caboose.

Christmas is in seven hours, moron.

I know. If you wait until last minute, you get all the good deals.

Ah, just get everybody the same thing. That's what I did.

Let me guess, everyone's getting a lump of coal.

FUCK no! Do you know how much coal costs!? It's like five bucks a ton! I'm not spending that much on you losers! (short pause) You're all getting a lump of smoal.

What's smoal?

It's a knockoff synthetic coal. It's just as good as the real thing. Except when you burn it, it doesn't make any heat. It just makes smoke.

Wha-what? How does it make smoke with no heat?

How the fuck do I know? Ask the fine makers of smoal.

Now that I'm thinking about it, maybe it's better that Church isn't here this year.

Yeah, Christmas is the one day of year you should never miss Church.

Ah, forget it, douchebags! You'll all still getting lumps of smoal.

Ah, crap.

Hey Church, how long do we keep this up?

When they all go into hiding, grab their flag and run.

[speaking like a zombie] Briiiian. I want Briiiiiian!

Caboose, it's brains, not Brian!

Oops, sorry. I must have read the script wrong. Moaning. Moaning!

Shut up you guys! They're gonna hear us!

Hey Tex, I bet it's been a while since you had some fresh meat!

Up yours.

Bow-chicka-bow-ugh [groans like a zombie]

Previews? What the hell is that? I don't want some previewed movie that other people have seen already! Those are the sloppy seconds of cinema!

Aw, shut up!

Shut up!

Shut up!

Silence is golden? Ain't there any dialogue in this picture? That's okay, I got my own soundtrack: This sucks! Zing!

No, you suck!

This isn't open mic night!

I heard this movie got two thumbs up. My question is up what? Oooh! That burns!

Why don't you go kill yourself?

Honk, honk, blarg, eh!

Shut that kid up!

Don't tell me how to raise my child!

I hate babies.

Oh come on, take the little brat to the lobby!

Allright, that's it. Get him, Junior!

Oof! [Simmons falls out of sight]

I didn't know this was gonna be an action movie! Ew, an NC-17 action movie!

Oh God, my spine! Put it back in, put it back in!