Did you know the delightful "Hooray for Santa Claus" theme song was released as a single? And that Santa Claus Conquers was also released as a Dell comic book? Well, as those charming stand-up comedians say, "Give me more of that!"
S3Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
S3Master Ninja I
[A policeman yells from his car window through a bullhorn in a heart-pounding, made-for-television car chase.]
SKSheriff Kyle
Pull over! This is the sheriff's office!
CCrow
Office?! That's a car.
[Holly Trumball (Demi Moore) and Max Keller stroll flirtatiously toward Max's van.]
HHolly
You think you, um, could stick around? I might need you.
MMax
I'm going off duty for the day.
HHolly
Oh sure, a loner, I got the scene. Just reading the classified ads in the local motel until Dick Powell comes running down the television alley at midnight with a gun in his hand.
Uh, let Dennis Miller do Dennis Miller, Demi.
TMr. Trumball
You got a warrant, sheriff?
SAServo [as Sheriff Kyle]
Yeah, I got a made-for-tv warrant right here.
CCrow
I hear his theme music, he's around here somewhere...
[Master ninja McAlister and his evil ninja nemesis Okasa meet face-to-face.]
OOkasa
The old man hired you?
MMcAlister
I am not for hire.
OOkasa
We are all for hire. In dark times...
MMcAlister
The dark times have gone.
You guys speaking in haiku all of a sudden??? Whoa!
[Max and the Master set off for adventure in Max's custom-painted van.]
MMax
Now for the fun part...riding with a ninja.
We'll be the judge of that.
CACrow [as TV announcer]
Chevy Van: A Quinn Martin production.
MMax
We're being followed!
SAServo [as the Master]
Of course we are! We're in an action-packed, made-for-tv movie!
[The van makes a sharp left.]
CACrow [as the Master]
Quick! Take a turn here on Steven J. Cannell Boulevard!
MMax
Don't tell me why they're following us. I like surprises.
CCrow
Well, here's a surprise...you're already cancelled! [N]
[Okasa has the Master cornered, but the Master uses a smoke bomb to make a stealthy exit.]
Oh, ninjas never had those.
SAServo [as Okasa]
Damn. He knows Doug Henning.
MMax
You all right?
JAJoel [as the Master]
I'm fine, but I'm out 20 bucks. Let's head back to the magic shop.
S3The Castle of Fu Manchu
CCrow
Staring contest on the left. Check it out.
This is Fu Manchu.
Crow [As Fu Manchu]: And you're not.
In the tropical waters of the south Atlantic, my hand stretches out to turn water into ice...
CCrow
Oh, he's a refrigerator.
And thus, turn safety into the deadliest peril.
Kinda like a Corvair, huh?
In a few moments, the proof of my mastery will be complete.
SAServo [as Fu Manchu]
But first, this word from Maxwell House.
[footage of the Titanic is shown]
Oh, they stole this from a Titanic movie. Look.
...
[the ship hits the iceberg]
CCrow
Lucy must be around here somewhere. "Ahhh, Ricky, I hit an iceberg, ahhh!"
...
CCrow
[as the passengers panic] Women, children, spacemen, Indians, and sort of idealized representations of 16th-century Flemish merchants first.
...
[as the ship continues to sink]
CCrow
And now, back to our Channel 9 movie, The Poseidon Adventure.
[in a gurgled voice] At quarter to twelve, a main hatchway gave in, they said "Fellas, it's been good to know ya!"
...
[as the ship finishes sinking]
[in a gurgled voice] There's got to be a morning after... And there she goes! Yay!
CCrow
Well, that made no sense.
CCrow
Castle of Fu Manchu; where you eat square hamburgers with chopsticks!
[while singing along to the opening credits music as it drags on] I'm bored; I'm bored of these credits already~
CCrow
C'mon, we can't keep making fun of the names. Get on with it!
PDr. Petrie
Thank you, Curt. It was very kind of you to come.
JAJoel [as Kessler]
Well, I didn't mean to, but the new seat covers-
Joel, no!
This is Fu Manchu...
SAServo [as Fu Manchu]
And I'm an alcoholic.
Hi Fu.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.