CCrow
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“The Castle of Fu Manchu” · Season 3
In this episode: Crow T. Robot (8), Tom Servo (8), Joel Robinson (8), Dr. Clayton Forrester (4), Fu Manchu (4)
This is Fu Manchu.
Crow [As Fu Manchu]: And you're not.
In the tropical waters of the south Atlantic, my hand stretches out to turn water into ice...
CCrow
Oh, he's a refrigerator.
And thus, turn safety into the deadliest peril.
Kinda like a Corvair, huh?
In a few moments, the proof of my mastery will be complete.
SAServo [as Fu Manchu]
But first, this word from Maxwell House.
[footage of the Titanic is shown]
Oh, they stole this from a Titanic movie. Look.
...
[the ship hits the iceberg]
CCrow
Lucy must be around here somewhere. "Ahhh, Ricky, I hit an iceberg, ahhh!"
...
CCrow
[as the passengers panic] Women, children, spacemen, Indians, and sort of idealized representations of 16th-century Flemish merchants first.
...
[as the ship continues to sink]
CCrow
And now, back to our Channel 9 movie, The Poseidon Adventure.
[in a gurgled voice] At quarter to twelve, a main hatchway gave in, they said "Fellas, it's been good to know ya!"
...
[as the ship finishes sinking]
[in a gurgled voice] There's got to be a morning after... And there she goes! Yay!
CCrow
Well, that made no sense.
CCrow
Castle of Fu Manchu; where you eat square hamburgers with chopsticks!
[while singing along to the opening credits music as it drags on] I'm bored; I'm bored of these credits already~
CCrow
C'mon, we can't keep making fun of the names. Get on with it!
PDr. Petrie
Thank you, Curt. It was very kind of you to come.
JAJoel [as Kessler]
Well, I didn't mean to, but the new seat covers-
Joel, no!
This is Fu Manchu...
SAServo [as Fu Manchu]
And I'm an alcoholic.
Hi Fu.
(as Tom, Crow, and Joel are doing a sketch of trucker characters riding magic carpets and communicating via radio) Hurry up, men, I'm running out of hard candy. Condition red, send in the clowns... oh, what's the use?! (breaks into hysterical sobbing as Crow and Joel enter)
CCrow
Ah, man, Joel, he's totally off-script! There's nothing that says anything about sobbing like a broken man!
Yeah, you're right; let's see here... Tom says "Time formation, men. These kids are all over me; argh". It just says "Argh", there's nothing about sobbing pitifully.
(while still crying) I can't do it guys, I just can't do it! I can't go through another sketch loosely based off some vague reference in the movie! There are only a few kinds of fezes in this movie, then suddenly we're the Sahara Shriners riding flying carpets on Maxwell street days! Oh, why?!? Get me out of here!!
CCrow
I don't understand; how is this sketch any different than anything else we do during the movie?
Well, I figure, Crow, it's not the sketch, it's this movie. I mean, look at him; he's just a broken man.
You're telling me! There's absolutely no psychological footholds in this movie! It's like trying to climb El Capitan! There's something wrong with me... there's something wrong with me!! Why? Why?!? (sobs uncontrollably)
CCrow
Better you than me!
Oh, Crow, c'mon... (addresses Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank in disgust) Look at what you've done to him! Do you see what you've done to this guy?! Come on!
(watching the scene unfold in satisfaction alongside Frank) You see Frank, it feels good to be with the winners, doesn't it?
[as Fu Manchu reveals an unconscious man he wants Dr. Kessler to operate on]
KDr. Kessler
What's wrong with that man?
CCrow
Nothing at all!
There is nothing wrong with him, doctor, he is in perfect physical condition.
I'll say.
And unlike Professor Heracles, his heart is as sound as a bell.
Bong!
Do you not agree, doctor, that Professor Heracles should have that splendid heart?
Joel [as Kessler] [flustered] Uh, if it comes with that beefy chest!
KDr. Kessler
But that man is not dead or dying!
CCrow
He's only mostly dead!
... he will die, for the sake of science.
KDr. Kessler
And for your sake also.
I need Heracles to complete my plans. I need him alive, conscious, coherent.
I wish this MOVIE WERE CONSCIOUS AND COHERENT!!!
CCrow
What's the deal with Fu Manchu, anyway? It's not like he's really evil; he's just dull! He's like some twisted beauracrat in silk jammies!
(after trying, and failing, to cheer the bots up with a sketch about the backstory of Fu Manchu; crying) Oh, what's the use?! Why am I up here? What are you doing to us?!
(mockingly) Auntie Em, Auntie Em!
Oh... King's on his throne.
(gloating over their perceived victory in leaving Joel and the bots broken by the movie) Well, we should be expecting your surrender any moment now.
You haven't won, Dr. Forrester; you've lost. And I feel sorry for you. You're nothing but a sad little man in a hole in the ground who can only feel power by hurting others. Well, we won because, we survived, and we survived because, well, we're Robinsons, roughly. That's what Robinsons do is survive, basically, and well, if you think it's so easy, well, YOU should try and watch a movie sometime!
You're sounding like a Hallmark card.
TSTV's Frank
(after Forrester and Frank attempt to riff on the movie themselves, only to quit after one scene) You know, we could've made funny comments, but the movie wasn't that good.
(angrily) Frank!
JCJoel, Crow, and Servo
Gotcha!
TSTV's Frank
[regarding how bad the movie this week is] Yeah; I thought the composting toilet had backed up- as it turns out, it's this week's experiment!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.