[Joel asks the Bots what they want for Christmas.]
CCrow
I wanna decide who lives and who dies!
“Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” · Season 3
In this episode: Crow T. Robot (9), Tom Servo (7), Joel Robinson (6), Jack Perkins (2), Dr. Clayton Forrester (1)
[The film's opening credits display "Martian Furniture by Fritz Hansen".]
CACrow [as TV Announcer]
For Martian Furniture, Fritz of Mars!
[Martian leader Kimar scolds his children Girmar (Pia Zadora) and Bomar for watching "silly Earth programs".]
KKimar
Now, go to sleep!
GGirmar
Must we go to sleep now, Father? I want to see Santa Claus some more.
BBomar
I want to see more toys!
KKimar
No, go to sleep!
CACrow [as Girmar/Zadora]
Will you buy me a Golden Globe, then?
SAServo [as Kimar/Riklis]
Why, sure!
[The Martian spaceship (a model spewing a flickering flame) flies toward Earth.]
JAJoel [as Announcer]
Cricket lighter away! Cricket lighter.
[in nerdy voice] You know… if they cancel Battlestar Galactica, I'm gonna kill myself.
[Santa and the kids are trapped in an airlock, with the door into space about to open.]
CACrow [as Santa]
[cheerfully] Have you two ever seen a grown man scream? Santa's going to whimper like a whipped pup.
[Santa makes some toys, unaware that Volmar tampered with the machine.]
BBomar
The doll has a teddy bear's head, and the teddy bear has a doll's head.
JAJoel [as Santa]
Don't worry, we'll give them to dyslexic kids.
. . .
GGirmar
Look, Santa! A baseball/tennis raquet!
JAJoel [as Santa]
We'll have to sell this stuff to Wham-O!
CCrow
Santa Claus, killed in Vietnam.
[In Deep 13, the Mads exchange gifts.]
Ohhh, Frank! What a lovely watchband! This must have set you back a pretty penny!
TSTV's Frank
Well, actually, I, eh… didn't have any money, so I… took the liberty of hocking your Rolex and… to pay for that, heh heh…
You… hocked… my… Rolex.
TSTV's Frank
Yah…
Well, it's the thought that counts. Open your gift.
TSTV's Frank
Oh, boy! I bet it's a book! I bet it's a book!
Yes, it is a book, Frank. It's… it's called Final Exit. I've been stealing your plasma at night so I didn't have to spend any of my own money.
TSTV's Frank
Heh heh. Oh, Henry! [N]
CCrow
Okay, now if you all look at your sheet music, we can rehearse my new song.
You wrote a Christmas song?
CCrow
Hey, there's no tradition like a new tradition!
Wait a minute, "(Let's Have) A Patrick Swayze Christmas"?
CCrow
Uh, yeah, yeah. Based on my favorite movie, Road House.
C'mon, what the heck does Patrick Swayze have to do with Christmas?
CCrow
Hey, you keep Christmas in your way and let me keep it in mine, okay?
C'mon, Servo. It seems like a nice enough sentiment. We can give it a shot. C'mon.
CCrow
All right, all right. Okay: 12/8 time, key of A-flat major... Cambot, shoot 'em the tune. Okay, you'll just have to stay with me, everybody, okay? You're parts are written out. "(Let's Have) A Patrick Swayze Christmas" by Crow T. Robot.
"Paul, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas"?
CCrow
Right. Hit it, Cambot!
Oh. Oh, I start. I get it.
Hold it, hold it a sec. Cambot, stop it.
Uh, Crow, I don't know if I think this is an appropriate sentiment anymore for Christmas.
CCrow
Hey, what? Like a good action sequence don't belong at Christmas?
Well, no, it's just that I've never heard of an action sequence in a Christmas carol before.
CCrow
Well, then grab hold of your socks and read on, Joel Robinson!
Okay, pick it up from measure 20, Cambot.
Lovely intro, though. Very tasteful.
CCrow
Thank you.
CCrow
How long before it becomes a standard?
I think you've gotta come with me. C'mon!
We'll be right back. Save a leg for me! Heh-heh-heh-heh.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.