Jonah quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Servo

Hey title, don't go away. We just got to know you!

Carnival? Like in Rio? Oh.

Servo

Carnival Man.

Carnival Magnum, P.I.

Servo

Off the O. Henry story.

Oh, Carnival Magi- oh, Carnival Magic, I knew it the whole time, guys.

Alex...

Servo

I'll take "Potent Potables" for $200.

...when Sarah died, teaching you was all I had. It got me through.

What stage of grief is chimp-play?

But we're broke...

Your Beanie Baby obsession destroyed us.

And we can't stay together if... I can't feed you.

Oh, I get it, circle of life. Man loses wife, teaches chimp to talk, joins low-ranked carnival, goes broke, man and chimp starve in a trailer, seen it a hundred times, really.

Okay okay okay, here's where you get the big one, one in, you win- how about you, sir? Three balls for fifty cents, by golly, here's where you win the big one, just one in, you take home a beautiful goldfish. Everybody plays it! Come on in, sir, wait a minute, step right inside, sir...

Uh, no. As a nerd, I do not partake in games of chance. I understand they are rigged in favor of the carnival against the laws of probability. On the other hand, I do need a new pair of belly-high pants. Oh no, I've attracted a crowd, the pressure's on...

Come on, guys. That's not cool.

But you dance all the time!

That's my private time, and- I- I didn't know you could see that either, okay?!

Servo

Why it's Missy O'Shea, the girl in the car!

Grand Theft Auto: Chimp City.

Servo

Forget about that. Where's Missy O'Shea?!

Guys, let's not jump to any conclusions. Sure she's a girl in a car, but is she the girl in the car?

Police cars don't work on grass!

Servo

Unless you got powuh! [laughs goofily]

It's as if he's willing himself to die.

We'll have what he's having!

Oh, More Carnival Magic? No!

Servo

Oh yeah, Elvin Feltner produced a whole ton of Carnival Magic sequels, though when More Carnival Magic finally came out, it was titled 2 Magic 2 Carnival.

Huge hit, but nothing compared to the conclusion of the original trilogy, Carnival Magic 3: Return of the Girl in the Car.

Servo

Then Elvin Feltner kind of lost his way with the prequels. Alex was played by a CGI monkey instead of a real chimp.

And nobody really wanted to know the story of how Markov met Alex, and how Stoney and Bud got their hats.

Servo

They were really scraping the bottom of the barrel with that David spin-off movie when he went back home to save his dad's PR company from a hostile takeover by a bigger, eviler PR company.

Oh yeah, the whole Carnival Magic shared cinematic universe. At that point, the whole Carnival Magic movies were just 90-minute advertisements for the Carnival Magic toy lines.

Servo

But just when you thought the carnival magic was gone, they reboot the series with Carnival Magic Begins and remind America why it fell in love with talking chimps and greasy carnies in the first place.

I had no idea there were so many of these movies.

Servo

Elvin Feltner asked America a simple question: why couldn't you turn a trailer park into a movie studio?

And the answer was, people only want to spend so much time smack-dab in the path of a dangerous tornado lane.

Servo

True, but there's still something inspiring about it. A man who said, "If I want to make a movie, I don't need big stars, or a lot of money, or talent, or taste, or a sense of basic human decency."

"All I need is some trailers, an unsupervised primate, and a bunch of unemployed, locally salvaged almost actors."

Okay, now I think you're just being sarcastic.

Servo

Unfortunately, Trailer Park Productions' other movies weren't nearly as successful.

They tried a couple of disaster movies- Tornado, and The Night the Septic Tank Gave Out.

Servo

And of course the romantic comedies Van Rockers, and Marriage Bed Above the Driver's Seat.

I kind of liked the action movies he did: Maximum Towage.

Servo

Oh, and don't forget his sci-fi epic Cosmic Winnebago of the Fourth Dimension.

Guys, were any of these movies real?

Servo

Of course not, Jonah!

I don't even think Carnival Magic was real, and we just watched it!

That's a good point. Did we really just watch a movie just now?

I must be seeing things.

Charles Darwin?

Excuse me sir, I hope you're not gonna laugh at me, but if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were Santa Claus.

Are you saying I'm fat?!

I am Santa Claus. And I'm not laughing.

That's what I thought! I'd have recognized you sooner if it hadn't been for that sad look on your face!

I'm off the clock.

How much do you owe, Santa?

Oh no, I couldn't...

Now now now, come on, Santa. I'm a lawyer, and lawyers don't like to lose arguments. How much?

[handing him a piece of paper] Well, here's the rent bill.

This is just a folded up Denny's placemat with dollar symbols drawn all over it.

800 candy canes a day???

[perplexed] That much...?

You're gonna need one hell of a GoFundMe page!

Now don't get me wrong, Santa. I'm really a good lawyer. I just keep forgetting to send out bills.

Servo

A lawyer who forgets to send out bills? This movie just became unrealistic.

But just you wait 'til I tell him about this! A real, honest-to-goodness Santa Claus, and in a department store!

What's next, cherry phosphates? Women driving cars? A Catholic in the White House???

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Why didn't I buy a boat sooner?!

Why? Why? [a passerby walks by] Merry Christmas!

Please, please sir, you'll catch cold!

Merry Christmas!

I think you mean "Happy Holidays".

[singing] Why can't every day be Christmas?

I don't know!

Why can't every day be gay?

That's a loaded question.

What an extraordinary sky!

What a strange color, Doc.

This cannot be the Rhondda Valley.

I think it's Tim Burton's backyard.

From now on, we're dumbing things down.

Yeah. Once people are dumb, they'll pay us to make them smart with our invention exchange, a new pharmaceutical we call, Algernon!

I don't know. Anything that has to do with messing with your brain chemistry can't be very safe.

Relax, ex-fiancé! No one can sue us if we mention all the terrible stuff our drug could do to you in the advertisement. Algernon...

Hi, I'm Synthia. As a clone I lacked basic intelligence, but that changed when I started taking Algernon.

Algernon...

Algernon is the only effective smartness drug on the market.

Grow your brain with Algernon, dumbasses!

[speaking rapidly] Side effects of Algernon include nausea, mouse friendship, and the 1969 Oscar for Best Actor. Algernon may kill you if taken when the sun is out or setting.

[rapidly speaking] Algernon should not be ingested even in jest. For more warnings, see our ad in Golf Magazine.

Algernon made me so smart, I realized it was dangerous, and I should stop taking it.

Algernon!