Jonah quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

The Blue Man Group as you've never seen them before: brown!

[coughing] No, go on and do the movie without me, please...

They're so close to inventing clothes. Come on guys!

This is like if humanity had evolved from Pinky and the Brain.

Servo

Oh yeah, way to diss the new owners. Leave the shower running, and they get stuck with the water bill.

Hello? Somebody in here? 'Cause I've been holding it in since Denver!

Somebody killed Janet Leigh!

Oh, I was hoping it'd be that lady duck from Howard the Duck.

Servo

Who is that rapping? Rapping on my chamber door?

Huh, darkness there, and nothing more.

Huh, didn't even have the courtesy to leave a flaming bag of poop.

Now this is podracing!

Eric!

Servo

Chickabee! Tay in the wind!

Damn you, Roy's Discount Medical Supplies!

You know, they went through three Erics making this.

Great. Now I'm gonna get blamed for this too.

I can't help feeling like I've seen all this before. Single mom, suburban kid, big brother, little girl...

Yeah, that's E.T.

No, that's not it. You know, they find an alien, he loves junk food—

Yeah no, it's from E.T.

No, but the alien is separated from its family and just wants to call home—

You're thinking of E.T.!

No, but then the alien helps the kid fly—

E.T.!!!

Let me finish! —during a summer camp boxing match.

Oh, Meatballs II.

Now that's it!

Mike

[wearing sunglasses] Eric!

Hey, nice sunglasses.

Servo

[cut to a different angle, the sunglasses go missing] Hey, where'd the sunglasses go?

Mike

Get ready!

Hey, nice sunglasses.

Servo

[Mike is pulling Mac into the van; the sunglasses are gone] Hey, where'd the sunglasses go?

Jenga!

Hey, what do you think you're doing?!

I gotta find the John, where do I put this?

Did you just check me out???

Did he just check him out???

Oh, I bet this is the part of the movie where Eric's gonna give a big speech about no matter what we look like on the outside, we are all the same, and really, isn't that— [the police begin opening fire on the aliens, starting a massive firefight] Whoa, okay. Tha— I mean like— oh! NO! NOO! NO STOP! NO IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A SPEECH ABOUT HOW WE'RE ALL THE SAME!

Servo

What? [the cars all explode, causing a massive explosion of the gas store]

NOOO!!!

What the hell???

Servo

Holy gizmos!

[freaking out] NO, WHAT THE F— COME ON!!! This didn't happen in E.T.!

I love the smell of napalm in the morning!

[stressed] It's supposed to be about how we're all the same in the end and everything's gonna be okay...

It just disappeared from my sonar, I don't have anything here. Anybody else reading anything?

[as Stone] Uh, Lincoln in the Bardo.

[as Admiral Hadley] Cash on Cash by Johnny Cash.

Servo

[as Dr. Margaret Adams] Danielle Steel.

[as Lt. Wexler] I'm into podcasts.

Easy!

Yeezy? Kanye? I don't know what to call him anymore! Tell me what to call Kanye, please!

Oh, I think I found a way out. I'm gonna get outta here- [door is locked] Aww man...

Yo, there's people dying!

And it's actually Berenstain Bears! Not Bernstein!!!

I kinda just figured we'd get matching helmets, didn't you?

Servo

Joel Hodgson???

He's gonna hear about this! "@US Navy; my Admiral says 'cappish' instead of 'capiche'. LOL, eyepatch emoji," tweet.

It's me.

Ya boy.

We're not getting no play here.

It's a total sausage fest.

The Admiral is going to lose New York one way or another.

He's already misplaced Orlando.

I think it's time we implement...

Pause for effect.

... the Trojan Horse.

Bum, bum, bum!

Yes sir.

I love you. Uh- wai- Why is he always hanging up right when I'm about to say it?

Guys, lets look at this from the monster's point of view. He's out of his element, an endangered species, probably just looking for food and suddenly, some robots attack him.

Yeah, if anything, he's a poor huddled mass just yearning to breath free.

Servo

We should be welcoming this new sea monster American, and the unique skills he brings with him.

Yeah

Aw, hell no!

Kill that monster! [in chorus with Servo and Crow] USA! USA! USA!

Servo

So now they go out for a well deserved night of celebration.

Which ends with Red once again, in the brig. This time for urinating on the dog of a visiting diplomat.

Until another monster emerges for him to battle.

Servo

Which he does, leading to another victory, and another night of drinking.

And he's back in the brig.

And the cycle of Red's life continues.

Servo

And the movie ends as it began... as a garbage fire.

Servo

You know, Jonah, this shot is not grate.

Thanks, Tom. I know you're just venting. You wanna try one, Crow?

No thanks, I don't think puns are funny. Yet the way they're constructed makes you feel like they should be.

I hear ya.

Hey, I got it! Let that sink in. Yeah, I'm a pun guy! I like myself, and I'm saying puns!