Jim quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

What are you looking at? Eat your ice cream!

Hey, Jim. What's that?

Meetin' of the student council.

They're hangin' you in effigy.

You want to put me out of business, Will? Why don't you take out your gun and shoot me? That'll close the hotel.

All I'm trying to do is prevent a disaster.

My disaster. Sheriff, if some crazy animal's out there, get 'em!

Yes sir, Mr. Wagoner.

How high, sir?

What are you doing still standing here? Go get him, boys!

You don't understand, Mr. Wagoner.

Make me understand.

It's not a crazy beast. It's just some... animal we don't have any experience with.

Servo

Ow! Geez!

If you close one road- if you open your mouth in front of one hotel guest, I'll have all of your jobs! [to Morgan] You're supposed to be a big game hunter? Go hunt! [to Jim] You call yourself an Indian? You can't even trap a wild animal. Some Indian! [a scantily dressed woman holding a martini suddenly appears]

Have you met my girlfriend? She appears when I make racist comments.

Servo

Oh there it is. Finally, Jim, our crown prince of fun.

It's old Big Mike!

Looks safe. Why don't you get in there, Paul? Come on. He's dead.

What's that? Oh, he's eating his entrails.

Grizzly Man 2: The Power of Love.

Maybe I'll laugh later.

I suppose this is funny to mountain people. This is their Seinfeld.

Servo

[Paul begins laughing] It's funny!

Geez, do these guys do the laugh track for Two and A Half Men?

[grabbing Paul] Do I have to tie you up?!

You're nothing but a dumb Indian!

WHOA!

Red Hawk! Is that you?

You remember me, don't you?

You died thirteen years ago. I saw you sealed up in a cave.

Well, Happy Easter.

I was. After seven days, I had a vision. All the animals in the forest needed me, so I got up, broke out of the cave. I've been here since, with my friends. [beckons to the animals around him]

I'm not his friend. I'm not indigenous to the area. Call the police!

Damn, what time is it?

Time is a social construct, SIR!

It just disappeared from my sonar, I don't have anything here. Anybody else reading anything?

[as Stone] Uh, Lincoln in the Bardo.

[as Admiral Hadley] Cash on Cash by Johnny Cash.

Servo

[as Dr. Margaret Adams] Danielle Steel.

[as Lt. Wexler] I'm into podcasts.

This thing's all over my ass, man! He's gonna tear me up!

Excuse me?

Hey, send someone in there, he's getting killed down there!

That thing's all over him.

Tearing him up.

Lake Maracaibo seemed narrow here. But it's actually 60 miles wide at one point, and 120 miles long.

I felt like a complete ass mistaking it as narrow.

I've taken this opportunity to reassess my views on all inland bodies of water.

I wanted nothing more than to throw myself on my hotel bed and cry.

Hey Jim, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm just going over my hand signals.

Jim, our new member is going to recite, what are the rules of the road?

Kill, or be killed.

To maintain a safe and orderly flow of traffic on our roads.

Why should you follow the rules of the road?

Because if I don't, I can't expect anybody else to.

Oh, you mean we always follow the rules of the road?

We try, but it isn't easy!

And when it's too hard, we give up!