Santa quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

I must be seeing things.

Charles Darwin?

Excuse me sir, I hope you're not gonna laugh at me, but if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were Santa Claus.

Are you saying I'm fat?!

I am Santa Claus. And I'm not laughing.

That's what I thought! I'd have recognized you sooner if it hadn't been for that sad look on your face!

I'm off the clock.

When's the rent due, Santa?

Christmas Eve at midnight.

Doesn't leave you much time, does it?

That's why I came all the way down here to find you.

Why me? I'm nobody special.

Years ago when you were a little boy, you wrote me a letter.

So did a million other children.

That's very true, but you see Sam, you're the only child who wrote me a letter after Christmas. You spelled "thank you" with two K's.

Hahaha, I'm not obsessed with you!

How much do you owe, Santa?

Oh no, I couldn't...

Now now now, come on, Santa. I'm a lawyer, and lawyers don't like to lose arguments. How much?

[handing him a piece of paper] Well, here's the rent bill.

This is just a folded up Denny's placemat with dollar symbols drawn all over it.

800 candy canes a day???

[perplexed] That much...?

You're gonna need one hell of a GoFundMe page!

Now don't get me wrong, Santa. I'm really a good lawyer. I just keep forgetting to send out bills.

Servo

A lawyer who forgets to send out bills? This movie just became unrealistic.