Scenes with Sam 8
[Truckers Sam and "Buffalo Bill" attempt a dangerous tandem braking maneuver.]
SSam
Alrighty, I'm coming up on your mudflaps at 67.
"Coming up on your mudflaps." People have such cute names for sex.
MAMike [as Sam]
Ma' well-oiled chassis is comin' up on yer backside, now.
SAServo [as Sam]
My rigid grill structure is bearin' down on yer unprotected cargo door.
CACrow [as Sam]
My oft-complimented Peterbilt is rhythmically nudging that sweet honey pot of yours--
MSMike, Servo
Ugh-- Crow!
. . .
[Sam and Buffalo Bill have completed the maneuver and are easing into a town.]
MAMike [as Sam]
Drained and satisfied, I'm tracin' lazy circles on yer' supercab now.
[Paul, having completely transformed into a werewolf, approaches Sam.]
CACrow [as Paul]
No, I'm a squirrel monkey; OF COURSE I'm a werewolf, you...
[Sam and Joe enter an old-fashioned peasant village.]
SSam
Looks like they're pretty hard hit.
Poor dopes, they appear every hundred years and get hit by a huge storm.
SSam
I must be seeing things.
SSam
Excuse me sir, I hope you're not gonna laugh at me, but if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were Santa Claus.
SAServo [as Santa]
Are you saying I'm fat?!
I am Santa Claus. And I'm not laughing.
SSam
That's what I thought! I'd have recognized you sooner if it hadn't been for that sad look on your face!
CACrow [as Santa]
I'm off the clock.
SSam
Now tell me. What's our pickle-faced friend got up his sleeve this year?
CACrow [as Sam]
Yeah, what's his dill?
SSam
When's the rent due, Santa?
Christmas Eve at midnight.
SSam
Doesn't leave you much time, does it?
That's why I came all the way down here to find you.
SSam
Why me? I'm nobody special.
Years ago when you were a little boy, you wrote me a letter.
SSam
So did a million other children.
That's very true, but you see Sam, you're the only child who wrote me a letter after Christmas. You spelled "thank you" with two K's.
[Sam begins laughing]
SAServo [as Sam]
Hahaha, I'm not obsessed with you!
SSam
How much do you owe, Santa?
SSam
Now now now, come on, Santa. I'm a lawyer, and lawyers don't like to lose arguments. How much?
[handing him a piece of paper] Well, here's the rent bill.
JAJonah [as Sam]
This is just a folded up Denny's placemat with dollar symbols drawn all over it.
CACrow [as Sam]
800 candy canes a day???
SSam
[perplexed] That much...?
SAServo [as Sam]
You're gonna need one hell of a GoFundMe page!
...
[as Sam struggles to come up with funds for Santa's rent, only to find he's severely short]
SSam
Now don't get me wrong, Santa. I'm really a good lawyer. I just keep forgetting to send out bills.
A lawyer who forgets to send out bills? This movie just became unrealistic.
SSam
Money. Money, that's all this man seems to think about. Mr. Phineas T. Prune thinks money, talks money, eats money, smells money. Mr. Phineas middle initial T. Prune!
SSam
That T wouldn't stand for Tightwad by any chance, would it?!
SSam
Objection overruled!
Man, North Korea has a more fair court system than this.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
