Jonah quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Hello, I'm professor Ilo Nami. I've got to get a closer look at Yongary. Will you please let me in?

You got here a bit too late.

He's dead. Movie's over.

They're going to hit Yongary any minute.

We're just waiting for the shockwave.

They'll be using guided missiles.

Sergeant Loose Lips right here.

You better go.

Um, we're not going.

They're going to hit Yongary any minute.

Did they hit a glitch in the Matrix?

They'll be using guided missiles.

Go. I'm out of dialogue!

You better go.

Missiles? Really?

Servo

Yeah! Any minute!

How do you lose a whole kingdom?

Check in the car! Did you guys leave it in the car?

James Horner?!

Ah, yes. Braveheart, Aliens, Avatar, and this movie.

Servo

Yeah, when Cameron was scoring Titanic, he said, "I want that Wizards of the Lost Kingdom sound."

Whoa! A real on-camera explosion, no digital effects!

Damn him! [continues angrily screaming] He has beaten me this time; Bombinooooo!

See, that guy is actually screaming because he almost got hurt. This is a real outtake.

Oh wow!

What is it?

Riders, coming this way!

Writers? They'll fix the script!

I just realized why they called it a suicide cave!

Why's that?

Because I want to kill myself!

I'm depressed...

Welcome to Suicide Cavern! People are just dying to get in here. [evil laugh]

Watch out for the stalag-fright! [cackles]

Be careful so you don't go batty! [wicked laugh]

Here, let me give you a... hand!

Okay, that's it. I'm calling a moratorium on the Crypt-Keeper impressions.

Oooh! A crematorium! [wicked laughing]

Oof!

Servo

Ow!

Servo

So how come wizards have such terrible aim?

Must be all that extra fabric in their sleeves. Throws off their movements.

Come on, wizards are the nerds of the fantasy world. Clearly, they all need glasses, but glasses haven't been invented yet.

Servo

Well you'd think they'd have a spell to make their eyesight better.

Yeah, well clearly they don't, because their aim is so bad.

[as the credits begin rolling] Oh, how nice. And King Simon reigns in peace and wisdom.

Servo

[laughs sarcastically] You seriously believe that? You know he's gonna make a bloody purge of the remaining Shurka loyalists.

Oh, he has to. Of course, the paranoia that more remain will drive him mad.

Servo

Oh, leaving him open to his prudish wife's incredibly strict religious beliefs.

Yeah, leading him to install a ruthless theocracy in which thousands are slain by agents of the inquisition.

I mean, are you sure he can't just grow up to be a wise, old, merry king?

Servo

Open your eyes, Jonah! Absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Before long, even his closest friend Gulfax will have joined the rebellion.

Servo

Hurla, that wily political operater will switch sides.

And Simon will be killed in battle by his own son, so that the cycle can begin anew.

Servo

[sighs] A throne gained in blood shall be lost in the same.

You guys are making me feel sick.

Servo

It's called reality, Jonah. Learn to live with it.

I don't know why they give such an important quest to a powerless, has-been wizard.

Someone's been reading the comment section on his blog posts.

She's beautiful, master! So delicate!

She's her own bouncer!

So strong!

Time to go, Tyor.

But, master!

Time to go, Tyor!

But, master!

Time to go, Tyor!!!

Isn't the arts part of my education?

Absolutely not!

The state cut arts funding!

You will no longer breathe the air of a free man.

Servo

Robert Blake in Lost Highway.

By the amulet's power, I turn you into stone!

He's making all this up as he goes along.

Oomen, kauai, tenk!

Sorry, I was thinking of an episode of Caroline in the City.

Alright, take him to Jabba.

Now his garden is complete.

YEEEAAAH!!! CSI: Miami!

Prepare for my overhand! [attack is blocked]

Or how about my overhand! [attack is blocked again]

No? Well try my OVERHAND! [blocked again]

OVERHAND! [blocked] OVERHAND! [blocked]

You defeated my overhand, sir knight, but can you handle— [bandit uses the same attack again] PSYCH! Overhand! [blocked again]

[capturing Freyja] Who gave him the sword?

And where's your hall pass?

You die with the dawn.

He had a knife at my neck, I made no promises, I said I'd try! Now leave me alone, I have a horrible headache!

We all do, trust us.

[as Tyor begins to untie Freyja] If I take you with me, what do I get?

[seductively] Anything.

Can I keep these cool rubber snakes?

That's what I was afraid of.

The band is illustrating my sexual confusion.