Joel Robinson quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

This is Fu Manchu...

And I'm an alcoholic.

Joel

Hi Fu.

Tom Servo

(as Tom, Crow, and Joel are doing a sketch of trucker characters riding magic carpets and communicating via radio) Hurry up, men, I'm running out of hard candy. Condition red, send in the clowns... oh, what's the use?! (breaks into hysterical sobbing as Crow and Joel enter)

Ah, man, Joel, he's totally off-script! There's nothing that says anything about sobbing like a broken man!

Joel

Yeah, you're right; let's see here... Tom says "Time formation, men. These kids are all over me; argh". It just says "Argh", there's nothing about sobbing pitifully.

Servo

(while still crying) I can't do it guys, I just can't do it! I can't go through another sketch loosely based off some vague reference in the movie! There are only a few kinds of fezes in this movie, then suddenly we're the Sahara Shriners riding flying carpets on Maxwell street days! Oh, why?!? Get me out of here!!

I don't understand; how is this sketch any different than anything else we do during the movie?

Joel

Well, I figure, Crow, it's not the sketch, it's this movie. I mean, look at him; he's just a broken man.

Servo

You're telling me! There's absolutely no psychological footholds in this movie! It's like trying to climb El Capitan! There's something wrong with me... there's something wrong with me!! Why? Why?!? (sobs uncontrollably)

Better you than me!

Joel

Oh, Crow, c'mon... (addresses Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank in disgust) Look at what you've done to him! Do you see what you've done to this guy?! Come on!

(watching the scene unfold in satisfaction alongside Frank) You see Frank, it feels good to be with the winners, doesn't it?

What's wrong with that man?

Nothing at all!

There is nothing wrong with him, doctor, he is in perfect physical condition.

Servo

I'll say.

And unlike Professor Heracles, his heart is as sound as a bell.

Joel

Bong!

Do you not agree, doctor, that Professor Heracles should have that splendid heart?

But that man is not dead or dying!

He's only mostly dead!

... he will die, for the sake of science.

And for your sake also.

I need Heracles to complete my plans. I need him alive, conscious, coherent.

Servo

I wish this MOVIE WERE CONSCIOUS AND COHERENT!!!

Joel

(after trying, and failing, to cheer the bots up with a sketch about the backstory of Fu Manchu; crying) Oh, what's the use?! Why am I up here? What are you doing to us?!

(mockingly) Auntie Em, Auntie Em!

(gloating over their perceived victory in leaving Joel and the bots broken by the movie) Well, we should be expecting your surrender any moment now.

Joel

You haven't won, Dr. Forrester; you've lost. And I feel sorry for you. You're nothing but a sad little man in a hole in the ground who can only feel power by hurting others. Well, we won because, we survived, and we survived because, well, we're Robinsons, roughly. That's what Robinsons do is survive, basically, and well, if you think it's so easy, well, YOU should try and watch a movie sometime!

You're sounding like a Hallmark card.

(after Forrester and Frank attempt to riff on the movie themselves, only to quit after one scene) You know, we could've made funny comments, but the movie wasn't that good.

(angrily) Frank!

Gotcha!

When you get into town, make out a coroner's report. Just put down Jack Flynn is the name..

Dry's the game.

The cause of death, uh...

It was the spider. Drained all the liquid out of his body.

Uh, just put down "cause unknown" and let the coroner worry about the rest.

And put some lotion on him or something, he looks like hell.

It's what we ordinarily call a bird spider...

Yeah, this one's called a big flippin bird spider.

I don't think he's funny! Daddy's dead, and everyone's making jokes!

This music's making me wretch, mom. Turn it off.

Oh, still upset about dad? That guttersnipe would have traded you for a case of German beer any old day.

Don't, Carol...

I can't help it, mother.

I know. I loved him too...

Sometimes, like the day he was sober...

I keep thinking that it was my fault...

Granted...

How could it be?

It never would have happened if he hadn't gone to get me that present...

Good point.

Now I've lost him...

You mustn't think of it that way, Carol.

Servo

Mom's all broken up...

Why did I have to drop it in that cave? I wanted so much to keep it, mother!

Forget about it now, dear. You have your homework to get ready for tomorrow. [gets up to leave]

I don't want you getting bad grades just 'cause dad's worm food.

Oh, and I forgot. Mike called you twice before you got home from school and said he'd be at his father's theater.

His... father's-? [sobs loudly]

Hey! "What kind of sin must a man commit in a single lifetime?"

Servo

Cool!

Mike, you're wanted on the phone.

And get my shirts from the laundry.

Oh boy, I get to walk by that poster again. Cool!

Servo

... everywhere... oh Bert...

Mike

Hello?

Hi Mike, this is Carol. You said you'd take me out to the cave to find the bracelet.

I lied.

Mike

You don't mean right now, do you?

If you can get away. Please Mike?

Mike

Carol, not today, my dad just got in a new picture and I haven't even seen it yet. Something about puppet people. Sounds pretty wild.

Joel

Oh, shame on you, Bert I. Gordon...

Please?

Mike

Oh, okay, I think I can borrow Joe's car again.

Only don't come by the house for me. I don't want mother to know I'm going out there.

Mike

Alright, I'll be down at the corner in 15 minutes.

I'll be waiting.

Mike

I'll see you dad, I got a date now!

Where will you be? I said where will you be if I want you?

Wait! Aren't you going to watch that wonderful Bert I. Gordon movie?

Oh, someone must have puked big time, I'll get extra sawdust.

RRRRRAAAAAA!!!

I'm gonna lock them kids in there!

[chanting as the phone rings] Wait fo' da beep.

[chanting] Wait fo' da beep! NOBODY'S HOOOOOME! NOBODY'S HOOOOME!

It's the spider- THE SPIDER- [drops the phone in terror and puts his hands up]

Servo

Oh no, not a crane shot! No, no, not the crane shot! Nooo!

Joel

Mammy! Mammy!

Hello? Hello?

Mr. Oh My God Crunch Crunch? Look, spit out whatever you're chewing and start over.

This time, the Mexican jumping-bean will do a one-and-a-half spin on the ramp, landing backwards and completing the other half on water.

This time, the white fascist narrator will make a racial slur!

Ha, but what do I know? I'm only a fat hick announcer, mowing down pretzels and pinwheel cookies, and trying to come to grips with the tattered ends of a once promising life gone horribly wrong, God, God, why, why???....

Joel

Shhh, It's just a movie.

Servo

[in closing during the ensuing host segment] If you enjoy catching trouble in any way, there's something wrong with you!

Joel

Any questions?

[watching Ross drag a bear cub forcibly out of a tree] Joel, do they really do this on Earth?

Servo

Isn't this wrong?

Joel

Yeah guys; I'm deeply ashamed of my race right now.

Servo

Deservedly so! [...] There's nothing like imposing your dominance over a bunch of helpless creatures, is there, Ross?

In the beginning, there was chaos...

Run by Bernie Kopell.

Oh, and then God showed up.

And a voice said, "Let there be light."

Joel

Oh, this is a biblical chalk talk. I've seen these.

And the dark was separated from the light.

And permanent press was separated from cottons.

There was created, the waters and the land.

And Charlton Heston. ConTel.

And they were made, the sun to rule the day, and the moon to rule the night, and the stars to give light in the darkness. The Earth was made to bear growing green things, and fruit.

Servo

Frogs.

Joel

Oh, this is Fantasia before they colorized it.

[lots of eyes begin appearing onscreen] The animals were created, and they were fruitful, and multiplied.

They all look like Orphan Annie.

And then there came... man.

To screw the whole thing up!

Hey!

Well, what about Ross?