Joel Robinson quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Joel

You know, I think Oscar Wilde only wished he was this gay, you know?

Servo

Ladies and gentlemen, please accept our sincere apology for all of this. Please.

Forget music, I wanna dance!

[singing to the music] We're really, really white, we're really, really, really, really white...

Joel

Say, that guy's got a way with a ballad.

Well, the old clock on the wall says that's all for the Stridex Medicated Band hour...

Joel

It stinks!

Doesn't Bombo look tired?

Yes, very much so.

No, no, no, no! MY SPINE! AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!

Tommy reminds Jimmy--

Joel

Hmm-hmm-hmm, that's you!

--when Jimmy stands off-balance.

Tears of shame pour down Tommy's face.

Ms. Martin! Tommy drew a bong!

Tom

Heh-heh... what?

Yesterday, Tommy tore the sleeve of his favorite cowboy shirt...

...in a prison break.

...and now, it's mended as good as new.

Tommy's the Lathe of Heaven.

Time for go to bed!

Joel

Well said.

Cricket lighter away! Cricket lighter.

Servo

[in nerdy voice] You know… if they cancel Battlestar Galactica, I'm gonna kill myself.

The doll has a teddy bear's head, and the teddy bear has a doll's head.

Don't worry, we'll give them to dyslexic kids.

Look, Santa! A baseball/tennis raquet!

We'll have to sell this stuff to Wham-O!

Okay, now if you all look at your sheet music, we can rehearse my new song.

Joel Robinson

You wrote a Christmas song?

Hey, there's no tradition like a new tradition!

Tom Servo

Wait a minute, "(Let's Have) A Patrick Swayze Christmas"?

Uh, yeah, yeah. Based on my favorite movie, Road House.

Servo

C'mon, what the heck does Patrick Swayze have to do with Christmas?

Hey, you keep Christmas in your way and let me keep it in mine, okay?

Joel

C'mon, Servo. It seems like a nice enough sentiment. We can give it a shot. C'mon.

All right, all right. Okay: 12/8 time, key of A-flat major... Cambot, shoot 'em the tune. Okay, you'll just have to stay with me, everybody, okay? You're parts are written out. "(Let's Have) A Patrick Swayze Christmas" by Crow T. Robot.

Joel

"Paul, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas"?

Right. Hit it, Cambot!

Joel

Uh, Crow, I don't know if I think this is an appropriate sentiment anymore for Christmas.

Hey, what? Like a good action sequence don't belong at Christmas?

Joel

Well, no, it's just that I've never heard of an action sequence in a Christmas carol before.

Well, then grab hold of your socks and read on, Joel Robinson!

Tom Servo

Okay, pick it up from measure 20, Cambot.

How long before it becomes a standard?

Joel

I think you've gotta come with me. C'mon!

You think you, um, could stick around? I might need you.

I'm going off duty for the day.

Oh sure, a loner, I got the scene. Just reading the classified ads in the local motel until Dick Powell comes running down the television alley at midnight with a gun in his hand.

Joel

Uh, let Dennis Miller do Dennis Miller, Demi.

Joel

Oh, ninjas never had those.

Damn. He knows Doug Henning.

You all right?

I'm fine, but I'm out 20 bucks. Let's head back to the magic shop.

In the tropical waters of the south Atlantic, my hand stretches out to turn water into ice...

Oh, he's a refrigerator.

And thus, turn safety into the deadliest peril.

Joel

Kinda like a Corvair, huh?

In a few moments, the proof of my mastery will be complete.

But first, this word from Maxwell House.

Joel

Oh, they stole this from a Titanic movie. Look.

Lucy must be around here somewhere. "Ahhh, Ricky, I hit an iceberg, ahhh!"

[as the passengers panic] Women, children, spacemen, Indians, and sort of idealized representations of 16th-century Flemish merchants first.

And now, back to our Channel 9 movie, The Poseidon Adventure.

Servo

[in a gurgled voice] At quarter to twelve, a main hatchway gave in, they said "Fellas, it's been good to know ya!"

Servo

[in a gurgled voice] There's got to be a morning after... And there she goes! Yay!

Well, that made no sense.

Thank you, Curt. It was very kind of you to come.

Well, I didn't mean to, but the new seat covers-

Servo

Joel, no!