Joel Robinson quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

...So I wonder, how many strange things there are- beyond the river; even beyond the Green Place.

Joel

[as Blonde Maiden] He's been to Paradise, but he's never been to me.

If you break the Law again, the people will give you death!

Servo

[as Symbol Maker's Son] I prefer liberty.

[the monster's mask is lifted, revealing an old man] Whoa; he's looked better.

Servo

Beach Dickerson!

A man- a different kind of man. One came from the mountains and some were here.

Joel

He's been in the mountains for too long, dressed up in a goofy costume.

Servo

Wait; what's this? It's a vintage contemporary!

[as the pack looks through the photographs inside with confusion and awe] I have no memory of these [symbols] in my mind, and these were made in a way unknown to me.

Servo

Yeah; the photo map.

[stopping at a page regarding atomic warfare] Someday these must be known. It is a thing of wonder.

Yeah; I wonder when the film's gonna end.

I and a party of 23 others were on a scientific expedition when the bombs began to fall.

Servo

Oh, message- message coming in! I bet it's from Beach Dickerson.

Its raw power was unleashed all over the world; retaliation added to retaliation until all traces of man's had been wiped from the face of the Earth. Some that survived the blast grew huge beyond all reason and formed as the dinosaurs of prehistory. Or some took on new forms altogether- mad in shape and purpose.

They became stock footage!

My comrades and I- half-protected by our radiation suits- found ourselves given an age far beyond the span allowed. Out of all the sprawling millions of the Earth, a handful escaped all harm through either fortune or design. After the nuclear holocaust, the wisest of them set out a long list of tablets. The laws are in the form of a religion now; it's strange to see them living the lives of Cro-Magnon man...

Servo

Cro-Magnon P.I.!

On occasion we tried to contact them, but they feared us; and our radiation killed those who came too close. And now... only I'm left, and the radiation has worn away these long, long years...

Joel

So you know it's okay.

[over a shot of the Symbol Maker's son] ...Now a new one thinks and wonders about the truth of the law- a man who will dare to try again. I am very lonely...

[as man] In fact, I'm dead!

Servo

Dead tired.

This happened a long time ago, and as you know men did meet other men and fire smelted metal and made explosives. The wheel turned machines and made gun barrels; the towers were built and flattened. How many times will it happen again, and if it does... will any at all survive the next time?

Servo

Doubtful.

Or will it be... THE END?

Joel

[singing] W is for the many ways that you're served

[singing] A is for the admiration you deserve

[singing] F because you're fluffy, you're flaky, you're fun!

Servo

[singing] And F is for the flavor that is second to none!

Joel

[singing] L is for how light you are, you melt in my mouth!

[singing] E is for eggs--Oh Baby!

Tom

Triple time!

[singing] Put 'em all together with a how-do-ya-do, Lovely waffles we love--

Send me up another please!

[singing] Oh, waffles we love--

Servo

Top mine off with runny cheese!

[singing] Waffles we love--

Chili waffles suit me fine!

[singing] Waffles we love--

Joel

Wash me down with Aunt Jemima?

[singing] Waaaaaaaffffles, we love yoooooooooououuuu!

Servo

Boy, I'm full; I ate too much! I'm starting to think the world would be a better place without waffles.

[appears dressed in a waffle costume] No waffles?

Servo

Ah, who are you?

Why I'm Willie the Waffle; the wonderful, whimsical wisecracking waffle! Can I ask you one thing?

Servo

Sure.

[suddenly shouting] Who the hell are you to decide who lives and who dies?! Did you know that the nation's brunch industry employs over 500,000 people? Most of 'em named Chad?

Joel

[as "Chad"] Hi, welcome to Jojo's Waffle Berries. Our special today is waffles in game sauce. We also have-

[as Willie] Sorry, Chad; we're gonna have to lay you off. No waffles! [makes whistling noise] Little League baseball would also be impossible without waffles!

Joel

[as young boy] Mom, Little League practice is in an hour! Can I have some waffles?

[as Willie/Mom] Sorry, son; no waffles! [makes whistling noise]

Joel

My name's Sally, I'm a snackoholic.

Hi, Sally.

And these four children are especially important about the four things.

Joel

'Cause they're on the payroll.

The two boys and the two girls with the best postures will wear these posture crowns.

Joel

Yeah, they'll go to Burger King and get crappy hats.

Tommy, Jimmy, Jane, and Mary are very interested in this announcement.

Servo

Hey, who wouldn't be?

Joel

That's when the kids came up with a plan to blackmail Mrs. Reedy.

But they are not happy with what they see.

Servo

They're disgusted and filled with self-loathing!

For Tommy is indeed surprised...

No! No! No! Uh-uh! Uh-uh! No! Uh-uh!

...his chest looked flat because his tummy looked so round.

Joel

He's got VPL.

Servo

Hey, and let me tell ya... JOEL!

Now Jimmy is disturbed to see...

Nuh-uh! No! Nothing doing! That ain't gonna work! It's not flying with me, Pops!

He's leaning backward out of balance, just like a house about to fall.

Just like his dad on Friday night!

And what gives Jane her worried frown?

Joel

Valium?

Look at the board. It's plain to see that Jane must practice standing straight to grow up like a lovely tree.

Servo

All of a sudden, it's iambic pentameter here.

Our Mary is a happy girl...

Servo

(imitates repeated burping)

...with hollowed chest and tired head.

She should jut go home to bed. Green Eggs and Ham.

Servo

Thank you, Sam-I-Am.

Miss Martin is counting votes to see who will be the king, queen, prince and princess of posture.

Joel

And who will have a Sealy Posturepedic childhood.

FIX! IT'S A RIG! FIX!

Servo

Then Mary's head is lit on fire!

And the other three children win the other posture crowns.

Servo

Definitely a fix.

Don't you agree that these four children deserve to win after trying so hard to improve their postures?

NO!

Their chances of ever being cool are ruined for life.

[singing to tune of Hava Nagila]: Havah la gila, havaaaaah la gila!

[singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, children, laugh!"

Joel

I just wanna know if the Lord said it this many times in a row.

[singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, laugh, laugh!"

That's why the Deuteronomy's so long.

Joel

Hey Gypsy, come here! [Gypsy starts to appear from underneath Joel]

Joel

Gypsy, no! It's too small!

These two, nothing but trouble... Back after this.

I lost a tooth.

Oh Jeez, I told you to floss!

Gee, I'll lose an arm and you'll really crack up.

Joel

This guy's just funny, you can't explain it...you can't explain it, he's just funny.

Servo

He'll pass a stone in a minute that'll make ya howl.