Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Servo

Joel, what are you doing?

Joel

I'm doing an experiment.

Oh; I thought someone replaced the monitor with a Jack-o-lantern!

Joel

Oh, bite me; it's for- [Crow and Servo do just that] -Ow!

What? You said, "bite me".

Herc, you gonna help us move?

Even if it costs me my life.

Now see them both safely back to the city.

Even if it costs you my life.

Servo

We seem to be in some sort of Limbo zone.

Rush Limbaugh?

Joel

No, that would be more like Hell.

Servo

Hey, baby, wanna get stoned?

Everybody must get stoned!

Joel

What keeps our legs all warm and hot?

Pants!

What prevents a buffalo shot?

Pants!

Tom

What do they got that I ain't got?

Tom

Well, you can say that again... Huh?

[singing] She's CUTE! She's ROOTY-TOOT-TOOT! I bet she smells like JUICY FRUIT!

Tom Servo

EEAUGHHH!

[continues singing, ignoring Tom] She can even play a wiiitch...She was even on Bewiiiitched...And I'm BEWILDERED and BOTHERRRRRRED!

Bonanza!

Servo

And if that map burns, it'll be a Greece fire!

Kitty!

Servo

Suddenly it's a MGM film.

[singing] The Simpsons...

[after seeing a vision of Androcles calling for Hercules' help, and prays to Zeus] Oh omnipotent Zeus...

Servo

[as an answering machine] Hi; Zeus is not in right now, but if you'd like to leave a message...

...Hear my plea...

Not guilty by reason of insanity!

If Androcles is still alive-

Joel

[sung] In the year 3535...

Pray thee that we might meet again; if it may be in my power to save him. Oh, Zeus, my father!

[as Zeus] I'm not your real father; it was Poseidon!

Today is dedicated to Uranus.

[as Hercules] Why thank you, I'm flatte- huh?

Servo

[as Hercules] You're supposed to be nice to me! Today is dedicated to my-

Joel

We know!

Joel

Hey, it's Jim Henson's Ghandi Babies.

[voicing her protests from within the crowd] No, my only son, no! You can't take him!

Joel

[as Hercules and Ismene watch the crowd restrain her and force her to resume prayer] I hate hecklers.

[whispering] Conform; c'mon, conform.

These children are also dedicated to Uranus. They're being taken to the Mountain of the Dead.

Servo

[as Hercules] Oh, cool! Is that a Six Flags Mountain of the Dead?

You're right; it won't happen again.

Servo

[as Antinea] Because you're fired!

[as a pit of acid opens in the floor] Not the commode!

Joel

I knew it; death by chocolate.

[begging] No; don't kill me!

Servo

[as soldier] Don't make me take a bath!

Joel

[as the soldier is forced into the pit] You can't do that; I have tubes in my ears! You're gonna get in trouble so bad! Whoa!

It'll kill him, but it'll do wonders for his arthritis.

Servo

[as soldier; in the pit gurgling] Is it too late to request a last meal? [the soldier is soon reduced to corroded skeletal remains]

Another Jenny Craig success story.

I'm so sleepy I can barely keep my eyes open.

Servo

Okay, we admit it; our action figure's lame- lame!

[crying] We're failures, Tommy; failures!

Joel

No, don't say that! You put your best foot forward.

Servo

I don't even have a foot! [cries again]

Joel

Okay; that's beside the point. You guys tried your very hardest, and because of that, you'll never be failures! [pulls Hercules' voice box cord again]

You're absolutely right, Joel Robinson. We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor. Goodnight now. [Joel faints in shock as the show cuts to commercial]

On the day a daughter of mine would outlive me, it is written that the sacred texts the Kingdom of Atlantis will be destroyed.

Mother, you can't mean-

You must die.

Boy, she's really strict.

No... I don't want to die.

Servo

[mock crying] I want to live! I want to live and laugh and love in life and live!

Joel

[as Antinea] You stop or I'll give you something to cry about.

Take her away.

Servo

[as Antinea] And if you don't die willingly, I'm going to ground you, young lady!