Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Storm the Bastille!

S4 Hercules and the Captive Women

Give us Barabbas!

AAll

Hell no, we won't go! Attitca! Attica! Atticus...?

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[as the film draws to a close, and the screen pans out to Hercules' boat sailing into the horizon with the heroes on it]

[in a Jamaican accent] Come back to Atlantis!

S4 Hercules and the Captive Women

Make it Atlantis again, man!

Servo

Now let's hear Herc regale in the tale one more time!

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[A viewscreen on Rocky Jones' ship displays an image of a small, bumpy-looking planet.]

Servo

Look! It's the MST3K logo!

[aside] Uh, you're not supposed to know about that...

Servo

Oh, uh...

[Servo whistles innocently.]

S4 Manhunt in Space

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[during a host segment, the bots are performing a parody of General Hospital, each line punctuated by a sting organ noise]

Servo

[to Crow] Peggy, I'm afraid I have bad news for you.

Oh my God; what is it? Is it a hiatus hernia?

Servo

No, it's not that.

Is it the heartbreak of psoriasis?

Servo

No, it's not that.

Is it a Mo-No on the A-Go-Go?

Servo

No, I'm afraid it's far worse than that.

Please, Doc, tell me what it is!

Servo

Well, when you were walking down the hall earlier, the back of your hospital gown was open, and everyone could see your butt!

[crying] I'll never live down the shaaaaaaame!

Servo

You know, my dear... in tough situations like this in the past, patients found the best thing is to be comforted by me- Dr. Chad Feelgood.

Oh, Chad...

[enters as a nurse] You cad! I knew you were cheating on me!!

Servo

My dear, I can explain!

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I- [to Crow] Hey; nice butt!

[Crow breaks down in tears along with Gypsy]

Servo

I can comfort you, I can-

What's going on here?

Servo

Oh no; it's Joel Robinson! The hard-drinking, heavy-fisted, cantankerous yet lovable hospital Administrator!

No, I'm not!

Servo

Oh no, and he's suffering from amnesia!

You guys, listen: I'm not gonna play soap opera with you. When I was 9 years old, my sister made me play soap opera with her. I'm not gonna play soap opera. [Cambot continues playing the soap opera sting music] Okay Cambot, that's it. Alright... that's it! [unplugs Cambot in irritation] Who's next?!

S4 Manhunt in Space

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[Rocky's second-in-command Winky visits the Satellite of Love via the Hexfield screen, claiming to be a real ladies' man nowadays, while the bots are more than skeptical]

WSWinky's Mom

[after she answers the Bots' phone call to his house] Winky! Telephone!

WWinky

[flustered] Oh, um... yeah, Clarissa! Why don't ya start; the hot oil's warming up, I'll be right over!

WSWinky's Mom

What?!

Servo

[shocked] Oh my- Winky, that's your mother?!

[after Joel cuts the communication from Winky] You think we were a little too hard on him?

Uh, actually I don't think we even got through to him; and for Winky's sake, I hope we never do.

S4 Manhunt in Space

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[Tom Stewart looks angrily at ex-girlfriend Vi, who threatens to show his love letters to his new fiancée Meg.]

VVi

Darling, you look as though you were ready to kill me!

Bingo!

. . .

[At the top of the abandoned lighthouse, Vi falls through a broken railing and hangs by one hand above the cliff.]

VVi

Help me! Please, Tom, help me!

SAServo [as Tom Stewart]

What? Huh? BRRING! BRRING! Oh, honey, telephone's ringing! I gotta go! Bye.

VVi

Save me, Tom, please!

Well, that's what she gets for railing against him.

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[Sometime after a fight with Meg, Tom lifts up her 8-year-old sister Sandy for a face-to-face talk.]

Tom

Meg's mad at me.

SSandy

She'll get over it. 'Sides, if she doesn't, you'll be free to marry me!

Tom

O-kay! From now on, you're the other woman in my life.

Put her down, Jerry Lee!

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[Tom Stewart goes to check for Vi's body, only to find clumps of seaweed where she fell]

Oh, she turned into a Caesar salad.

Servo

Somebody kelp me! Ha-ha!

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VVi

[as a ghostly head, after declaring to Tom that she threatens to expose him as a murderer] I told you already- no-one will ever have you but me!

Tom

Stop it, Vi!

VVi

Try me... [starts shouting] TOM STEWART KILLED ME! TOM STEWART KILLED ME!

[as Vi] Tom Stewart killed me; c'mon, everybody!

Servo

[as Vi] Tom Stewart killed me! Now just the ladies; join in!

[Tom wraps Vi's head in a sack and carries it outside while she still protests]

[as Tom] Let's go bowling. [drops the sack down the steps of their building]

[as Vi, tumbling down the steps] T-o-om Stewart ki-ill-ed m-e-e!

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[Joel and the Bots are left worn out by the film's bleak tone]

It's only a crappy movie by Bert I. Gordon he made to massage the marketplace!

Servo

Simply nurturing one's basest instincts and trying way too hard to be film noir!

[crying] Geez, Joel; I'm riding such a major bummer that I just spent a couple hours at Liqour Aisle talking to... Neil Young!

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CSCrow and Servo

[imitating Vi] Joel Robinson killed us! Joel Robinson killed us!

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KKen

Yeah, it's one of Dr. Doyle's old patients, Mr. Harvey.

SAServo [as Ken/Elwood Dowd]

Yeah, he's a big rabbit, you see, there...

The Beatniks (movie)

S4 The Beatniks

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[bandaged up from Gypsy ramming into him] My achin' noggin...

Yeah, Well, serves you right for taking advantage of these little Charm-kins!

Oh yeah? well, you should ask these little "charmkins" what I found oozing out of my pillow case this morning!

Servo

Aw, you little baby, it could've been a lot worse!

Yeah, at least we killed him before we stuffed him in there.

Enough, you three! Freebie and the Bean are calling.

S4 The Beatniks

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[Joel is reading a letter from a young viewer who tells them that his mother is making him write "I will not call my mom a dickweed"]

[reading] Before I start this auspicious task, I must ask in the interest of justice... is dickweed a swear word?

JSJoel/Servo

[at the same time] No/Yes! ...Yes/No? No... no.

Servo

Nope; dickweed isn't a swear word. it's clean. You're cool. You can stop writing, "I will not call my mom a dickweed."

[Gypsy suddenly slithers past Joel and Servo, screaming loudly. Crow then enters brandishing a knife]

CACrow [as Mooney]

Where'd she go man, where'd she go?!

Crow, put that knife away, you're scaring Gypsy!

CACrow [as Mooney]

I did it for you, Eddie!

Oh great, he's on moon mode again...

CACrow [as Mooney]

That's right: I'm gonna moon you man, I'm gonna moon you!

Servo

That's gonna be tough because you really don't have a hinder to speak of.

CACrow [as Mooney]

That's it, That's it! [Crow then "stabs" Servo who collapses on the table]

S4 The Beatniks

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[On the SOL bridge, Crow's menacing dark twin "Timmy" mutters something to Crow.]

Ah, Joel… uh, Timmy's worried about Servo.

Oh… why?