Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Servo

[reading over the cast names] James Karen? Boy, he has an identity problem.

Joel

Sam Chew [Jr]?

Gesundheit.

Joel

Thank you.

Worthless.

Worthless?!

Yeah, your career, that is.

What do you mean worthless?!

I mean they're not precious.

You're precious.

They're 3000 years old! They're ancient, man!

Well, who told you that? Some hustler in a swap meet?

I don't read Hustler.

Forget it! [takes the crystals back]

Servo

I'm gonna find those strawberries...

Clown!

Take that back, or I'll squirt you with my flower!

Servo

Big mistake.

They're not supposed to melt your hand.

Servo

Hate that; the Claw.

Servo

[over the credits] You know, I think this is the worst movie we've ever seen here.

Joel

Really? What about Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy?

Servo

Worse (than that), worse.

What about Sidehackers?

Servo

Worse.

Joel

Cave Dwellers?

Servo

Worse.

Catalina Caper?

Servo

Worse.

Joel

Pod People?

Servo

Worse!

Hellcats?

Servo

Oh, worse.

Joel

Daddy-O?

Servo

Worse!

Rocket Attack USA?

Servo

Worse.

Joel

Earth vs. the Spider?

Servo

Definitely worse.

Ring of Terror?

Servo

Worse!

Joel

It Conquered the World?

Servo

Uh... yeah, worse!

Joel

The Manchingo Coniglium?

Servo

[uncertain] Oh, huh?

Hey, Teenagers from Outer Space was much, much better!

Servo

[This movie]'s a ton worse.

How about The Castle of Fu Manchu?

Servo

Okay, I'll grant you The Castle of Fu Manchu was just as bad, but we've never done a worse film!

Joel

Y'know, putting all the different fun things in one room eventually leaves you feeling kinda hollow, doesn't it?

Servo

[while the holo-clowns look at the group] What are you lookin' at?!

Have I shown you my magical, whimsical squirting flower?

Servo

Yes, about a kajillion times!

Ooohhh... well, have I shown you my rash?

Joel

Hi, everyone, welcome to the Sattelite of Love. I came up with this Holo-Clown Sequencer to cheer up the Bots but now I can't get it to shut off and it's getting hard to sleep at night and I'm tasting metal!

[to Gypsy] Hey, little girl! Do you want a salted nut roll?

[to Clown #1] Stop it! Stop screaming! You think I like being stuck in limbo with you? NO! Get on your orange and yellow knees and kiss my clown feet that I haven't killed you!!

Fine chap. I wish we had more like him!

Keep your mind on your work, Ron. You're in enough trouble as it is!

He'll make a fine Naval officer.

Servo

He'll make several of them!

Servo

Oh, Mommy!

Honey West!

Joel, I thought underwear was supposed to match.

And the crowd goes wild!

[dully] Yay.

Yes, the Junior Rodeo is here to stay. And nobody's happier about it than Old Timer Billy Slater.

Joel

It's sad, really.

Servo

[singing to the tune of Home on the Range] ...And the guys are not clowning all dayyyeeeeEEEEE!!!

He must eat his own body weight every few hours…

…plus a delicious shake.

What did I get?

Oh, Gypsy, you didn't get anything; Joel forgot he even had a robot named Gypsy!

Servo

[angrily] Quiet, Crow! You want to ruin Present Day by being naughty?!

[later on] What did I get? Me next!

Joel

I saved the best for last- I got you... dress slacks from J.C. Penney.

[dumbfounded] ...Oh.

Joel

Oh, come on, it's a great gift; you can wear it for dressy or casual... I'm gonna have to get you a nice polo top though...

[crestfallen as the other Bots laugh at him] Thank you for the pants...

I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!

Servo

When Kennedys ruled Greece.

I'm so sleepy I can't seem to keep awake!

Servo

Uh, that'd be the definition of "sleepy"!

[as Magic Voice] Commercial sign! Commercial sign; pretty soon!

[as Gypsy] Loading Richard Basehart remark. Richard Basehart remark in 5, 4, 3... Richard Basehart now.

Joel

Okay; I think I get it now.

Servo

[as Crow] No, you don't; you've gone crazy!

[as Servo] I think you're insane, Joel!