[as a scene opens outside a movie theater, featuring a familiar movie poster]
CCrow
Hey! "What kind of sin must a man commit in a single lifetime?"
MSMike's Father
Mike, you're wanted on the phone.
CACrow [as Mike's Father]
And get my shirts from the laundry.
[Mike goes inside]
JAJoel [as Mike]
Oh boy, I get to walk by that poster again. Cool!
[Mike walks into a room with multiple photos featuring shots of various films from Bert I. Gordon]
... everywhere... oh Bert...
CCarol
Hi Mike, this is Carol. You said you'd take me out to the cave to find the bracelet.
CACrow [as Arnold Schwarzenegger]
I lied.
You don't mean right now, do you?
CCarol
If you can get away. Please Mike?
Carol, not today, my dad just got in a new picture and I haven't even seen it yet. Something about puppet people. Sounds pretty wild.
Oh, shame on you, Bert I. Gordon...
Oh, okay, I think I can borrow Joe's car again.
CCarol
Only don't come by the house for me. I don't want mother to know I'm going out there.
Alright, I'll be down at the corner in 15 minutes.
[Mike runs outside]
I'll see you dad, I got a date now!
MSMike's Father
Where will you be? I said where will you be if I want you?
SAServo [as Mike's Father]
Wait! Aren't you going to watch that wonderful Bert I. Gordon movie?
[as the giant spider revives in the school gymnasium as the band rehearses and the drama club is dancing, scaring everyone out of the room; the janitor sees everyone fleeing]
JAJoel [as the Janitor]
Oh, someone must have puked big time, I'll get extra sawdust.
[the janitor looks in the room]:
[the janitor immediately slams and locks the door]
CACrow [as the Janitor]
I'm gonna lock them kids in there!
...
[the Janitor is desperately calling Mr. Kingman as the spider knocks on the wall]
CCrow
[chanting as the phone rings] Wait fo' da beep.
JCJoel, Crow, and Servo
[chanting] Wait fo' da beep! NOBODY'S HOOOOOME! NOBODY'S HOOOOME!
...
[the spider breaks free and towers over the janitor after Kingman answers the phone]
JJanitor
It's the spider- THE SPIDER- [drops the phone in terror and puts his hands up]
Oh no, not a crane shot! No, no, not the crane shot! Nooo!
[scene cuts to Kingman's residence]
CACrow [as Kingman]
Mr. Oh My God Crunch Crunch? Look, spit out whatever you're chewing and start over.
AAnnouncer
This time, the Mexican jumping-bean will do a one-and-a-half spin on the ramp, landing backwards and completing the other half on water.
CCrow
This time, the white fascist narrator will make a racial slur!
SAServo [as Anouncer]
Ha, but what do I know? I'm only a fat hick announcer, mowing down pretzels and pinwheel cookies, and trying to come to grips with the tattered ends of a once promising life gone horribly wrong, God, God, why, why???....
CCrow
[watching Ross drag a bear cub forcibly out of a tree] Joel, do they really do this on Earth?
Yeah guys; I'm deeply ashamed of my race right now.
Deservedly so! [...] There's nothing like imposing your dominance over a bunch of helpless creatures, is there, Ross?
In the beginning, there was chaos...
SAServo [as Narrator]
Run by Bernie Kopell.
[a flash of light appears]
CCrow
Oh, and then God showed up.
And a voice said, "Let there be light."
Oh, this is a biblical chalk talk. I've seen these.
And the dark was separated from the light.
SAServo [as Narrator]
And permanent press was separated from cottons.
There was created, the waters and the land.
CACrow [as Narrator]
And Charlton Heston. ConTel.
And they were made, the sun to rule the day, and the moon to rule the night, and the stars to give light in the darkness. The Earth was made to bear growing green things, and fruit.
Oh, this is Fantasia before they colorized it.
[lots of eyes begin appearing onscreen] The animals were created, and they were fruitful, and multiplied.
CCrow
They all look like Orphan Annie.
And then there came... man.
CACrow [as Narrator]
To screw the whole thing up!
CCrow
Well, what about Ross?
[The Symbol Maker's teenage son (Robert Vaughn) argues with his father over their choice in hunting grounds]
SMSymbol Maker's Son
Why do we hunt in a place where there are dead trees and only a few animals to give to the fire, when there's plenty there? [footage of a field and lake with a swimming brontosaurus is shown]
CCrow
Why am I thinking about gas stations?
SMSymbol Maker
[Land like that] promises a lot, but gives only a place to die.
SMSymbol Maker
There are shadows there deep and cold and dirt that eats men.
CCrow
[as Symbol Maker] And kids that eat paste!
[a pack of hunters led by the Symbol Maker and his son have killed the fabled monster that lurks through the lands, and discover its true identity]
CCrow
[the monster's mask is lifted, revealing an old man] Whoa; he's looked better.
SMSymbol Maker's Son
A man- a different kind of man. One came from the mountains and some were here.
He's been in the mountains for too long, dressed up in a goofy costume.
[The Symbol Maker's son removes something from the monster's corpse, finding a photobook of sorts]
Wait; what's this? It's a vintage contemporary!
SMSymbol Maker
[as the pack looks through the photographs inside with confusion and awe] I have no memory of these [symbols] in my mind, and these were made in a way unknown to me.
SMSymbol Maker's Son
[stopping at a page regarding atomic warfare] Someday these must be known. It is a thing of wonder.
CCrow
Yeah; I wonder when the film's gonna end.
[narration from the man who was the proclaimed "Monster That Gives Death With Its Touch" begins as the film concludes]
I and a party of 23 others were on a scientific expedition when the bombs began to fall.
Oh, message- message coming in! I bet it's from Beach Dickerson.
Its raw power was unleashed all over the world; retaliation added to retaliation until all traces of man's had been wiped from the face of the Earth. Some that survived the blast grew huge beyond all reason and formed as the dinosaurs of prehistory. Or some took on new forms altogether- mad in shape and purpose.
CCrow
They became stock footage!
My comrades and I- half-protected by our radiation suits- found ourselves given an age far beyond the span allowed. Out of all the sprawling millions of the Earth, a handful escaped all harm through either fortune or design. After the nuclear holocaust, the wisest of them set out a long list of tablets. The laws are in the form of a religion now; it's strange to see them living the lives of Cro-Magnon man...
On occasion we tried to contact them, but they feared us; and our radiation killed those who came too close. And now... only I'm left, and the radiation has worn away these long, long years...
[over a shot of the Symbol Maker's son] ...Now a new one thinks and wonders about the truth of the law- a man who will dare to try again. I am very lonely...
CCrow
[as man] In fact, I'm dead!
This happened a long time ago, and as you know men did meet other men and fire smelted metal and made explosives. The wheel turned machines and made gun barrels; the towers were built and flattened. How many times will it happen again, and if it does... will any at all survive the next time?
Or will it be... THE END?
[singing] W is for the many ways that you're served
CCrow
[singing] A is for the admiration you deserve
[singing] F because you're fluffy, you're flaky, you're fun!
[singing] And F is for the flavor that is second to none!
[singing] L is for how light you are, you melt in my mouth!
JSJoe, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy
[singing] E is for eggs--Oh Baby!
JSJoel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy
[singing] Put 'em all together with a how-do-ya-do, Lovely waffles we love--
Send me up another please!
JSJoel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy
[singing] Oh, waffles we love--
Top mine off with runny cheese!
JSJoel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy
[singing] Waffles we love--
CCrow
Chili waffles suit me fine!
JSJoel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy
[singing] Waffles we love--
Wash me down with Aunt Jemima?
JSJoel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy
[singing] Waaaaaaaffffles, we love yoooooooooououuuu!
Boy, I'm full; I ate too much! I'm starting to think the world would be a better place without waffles.
CCrow
[appears dressed in a waffle costume] No waffles?
CCrow
Why I'm Willie the Waffle; the wonderful, whimsical wisecracking waffle! Can I ask you one thing?
CCrow
[suddenly shouting] Who the hell are you to decide who lives and who dies?! Did you know that the nation's brunch industry employs over 500,000 people? Most of 'em named Chad?
[as "Chad"] Hi, welcome to Jojo's Waffle Berries. Our special today is waffles in game sauce. We also have-
CCrow
[as Willie] Sorry, Chad; we're gonna have to lay you off. No waffles! [makes whistling noise] Little League baseball would also be impossible without waffles!
[as young boy] Mom, Little League practice is in an hour! Can I have some waffles?
CCrow
[as Willie/Mom] Sorry, son; no waffles! [makes whistling noise]
[as the kids look at their posture drawings]
That's when the kids came up with a plan to blackmail Mrs. Reedy.
But they are not happy with what they see.
They're disgusted and filled with self-loathing!
For Tommy is indeed surprised...
CACrow [as Tommy]
No! No! No! Uh-uh! Uh-uh! No! Uh-uh!
...his chest looked flat because his tummy looked so round.
Hey, and let me tell ya... JOEL!
Now Jimmy is disturbed to see...
CACrow [as Jimmy]
Nuh-uh! No! Nothing doing! That ain't gonna work! It's not flying with me, Pops!
He's leaning backward out of balance, just like a house about to fall.
SAServo [as Narrator]
Just like his dad on Friday night!
And what gives Jane her worried frown?
Look at the board. It's plain to see that Jane must practice standing straight to grow up like a lovely tree.
All of a sudden, it's iambic pentameter here.
Our Mary is a happy girl...
(imitates repeated burping)
...with hollowed chest and tired head.
CCrow
She should jut go home to bed. Green Eggs and Ham.
At last, the big day has come. The class is taking their second posture test.
[A silhouette appears on screen]
CCrow
Hey, it's Hitchcock!
[All sing the Alfred Hitchcock Presents theme]
[Mary is voted posture queen]
CCrow
FIX! IT'S A RIG! FIX!
[Miss Martin draws a crown over Mary's pose]
Then Mary's head is lit on fire!
And the other three children win the other posture crowns.
Don't you agree that these four children deserve to win after trying so hard to improve their postures?
. . .
CCrow
Their chances of ever being cool are ruined for life.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
