Crow T. Robot quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Now, go to sleep!

Must we go to sleep now, Father? I want to see Santa Claus some more.

I want to see more toys!

No, go to sleep!

Will you buy me a Golden Globe, then?

Why, sure!

Okay, now if you all look at your sheet music, we can rehearse my new song.

Joel Robinson

You wrote a Christmas song?

Hey, there's no tradition like a new tradition!

Tom Servo

Wait a minute, "(Let's Have) A Patrick Swayze Christmas"?

Uh, yeah, yeah. Based on my favorite movie, Road House.

Servo

C'mon, what the heck does Patrick Swayze have to do with Christmas?

Hey, you keep Christmas in your way and let me keep it in mine, okay?

Joel

C'mon, Servo. It seems like a nice enough sentiment. We can give it a shot. C'mon.

All right, all right. Okay: 12/8 time, key of A-flat major... Cambot, shoot 'em the tune. Okay, you'll just have to stay with me, everybody, okay? You're parts are written out. "(Let's Have) A Patrick Swayze Christmas" by Crow T. Robot.

Joel

"Paul, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas"?

Right. Hit it, Cambot!

Joel

Uh, Crow, I don't know if I think this is an appropriate sentiment anymore for Christmas.

Hey, what? Like a good action sequence don't belong at Christmas?

Joel

Well, no, it's just that I've never heard of an action sequence in a Christmas carol before.

Well, then grab hold of your socks and read on, Joel Robinson!

Tom Servo

Okay, pick it up from measure 20, Cambot.

Tom Servo

Lovely intro, though. Very tasteful.

Thank you.

How long before it becomes a standard?

Joel

I think you've gotta come with me. C'mon!

Pull over! This is the sheriff's office!

Office?! That's a car.

Now for the fun part...riding with a ninja.

Servo

We'll be the judge of that.

Chevy Van: A Quinn Martin production.

We're being followed!

Of course we are! We're in an action-packed, made-for-tv movie!

Quick! Take a turn here on Steven J. Cannell Boulevard!

Don't tell me why they're following us. I like surprises.

Well, here's a surprise...you're already cancelled! [N]

In the tropical waters of the south Atlantic, my hand stretches out to turn water into ice...

Oh, he's a refrigerator.

And thus, turn safety into the deadliest peril.

Joel

Kinda like a Corvair, huh?

In a few moments, the proof of my mastery will be complete.

But first, this word from Maxwell House.

Joel

Oh, they stole this from a Titanic movie. Look.

Lucy must be around here somewhere. "Ahhh, Ricky, I hit an iceberg, ahhh!"

[as the passengers panic] Women, children, spacemen, Indians, and sort of idealized representations of 16th-century Flemish merchants first.

And now, back to our Channel 9 movie, The Poseidon Adventure.

Servo

[in a gurgled voice] At quarter to twelve, a main hatchway gave in, they said "Fellas, it's been good to know ya!"

Servo

[in a gurgled voice] There's got to be a morning after... And there she goes! Yay!

Well, that made no sense.

Tom Servo

[while singing along to the opening credits music as it drags on] I'm bored; I'm bored of these credits already~

C'mon, we can't keep making fun of the names. Get on with it!

Tom Servo

(as Tom, Crow, and Joel are doing a sketch of trucker characters riding magic carpets and communicating via radio) Hurry up, men, I'm running out of hard candy. Condition red, send in the clowns... oh, what's the use?! (breaks into hysterical sobbing as Crow and Joel enter)

Ah, man, Joel, he's totally off-script! There's nothing that says anything about sobbing like a broken man!

Joel

Yeah, you're right; let's see here... Tom says "Time formation, men. These kids are all over me; argh". It just says "Argh", there's nothing about sobbing pitifully.

Servo

(while still crying) I can't do it guys, I just can't do it! I can't go through another sketch loosely based off some vague reference in the movie! There are only a few kinds of fezes in this movie, then suddenly we're the Sahara Shriners riding flying carpets on Maxwell street days! Oh, why?!? Get me out of here!!

I don't understand; how is this sketch any different than anything else we do during the movie?

Joel

Well, I figure, Crow, it's not the sketch, it's this movie. I mean, look at him; he's just a broken man.

Servo

You're telling me! There's absolutely no psychological footholds in this movie! It's like trying to climb El Capitan! There's something wrong with me... there's something wrong with me!! Why? Why?!? (sobs uncontrollably)

Better you than me!

Joel

Oh, Crow, c'mon... (addresses Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank in disgust) Look at what you've done to him! Do you see what you've done to this guy?! Come on!

(watching the scene unfold in satisfaction alongside Frank) You see Frank, it feels good to be with the winners, doesn't it?

What's wrong with that man?

Nothing at all!

There is nothing wrong with him, doctor, he is in perfect physical condition.

Servo

I'll say.

And unlike Professor Heracles, his heart is as sound as a bell.

Joel

Bong!

Do you not agree, doctor, that Professor Heracles should have that splendid heart?

But that man is not dead or dying!

He's only mostly dead!

... he will die, for the sake of science.

And for your sake also.

I need Heracles to complete my plans. I need him alive, conscious, coherent.

Servo

I wish this MOVIE WERE CONSCIOUS AND COHERENT!!!

(after Forrester and Frank attempt to riff on the movie themselves, only to quit after one scene) You know, we could've made funny comments, but the movie wasn't that good.

(angrily) Frank!

Gotcha!

I know something's happened to him.

Sure it did. Maybe he ran out of gas, he'd never meet anybody on this road... hold everything, what do you call that?

Oh, that's just a dead fa- a DEAD FATHER??? Oh nooo! [Sobbing]

Oh my God!

When you get into town, make out a coroner's report. Just put down Jack Flynn is the name..

Dry's the game.

The cause of death, uh...

It was the spider. Drained all the liquid out of his body.

Uh, just put down "cause unknown" and let the coroner worry about the rest.

And put some lotion on him or something, he looks like hell.

I don't think he's funny! Daddy's dead, and everyone's making jokes!

This music's making me wretch, mom. Turn it off.

Oh, still upset about dad? That guttersnipe would have traded you for a case of German beer any old day.

Don't, Carol...

I can't help it, mother.

I know. I loved him too...

Sometimes, like the day he was sober...

I keep thinking that it was my fault...

Granted...

How could it be?

It never would have happened if he hadn't gone to get me that present...

Good point.

Now I've lost him...

You mustn't think of it that way, Carol.

Servo

Mom's all broken up...

Why did I have to drop it in that cave? I wanted so much to keep it, mother!

Forget about it now, dear. You have your homework to get ready for tomorrow. [gets up to leave]

I don't want you getting bad grades just 'cause dad's worm food.

Oh, and I forgot. Mike called you twice before you got home from school and said he'd be at his father's theater.

His... father's-? [sobs loudly]