Crow T. Robot quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

[singing to tune of Hava Nagila]: Havah la gila, havaaaaah la gila!

[singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, children, laugh!"

Joel

I just wanna know if the Lord said it this many times in a row.

[singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, laugh, laugh!"

That's why the Deuteronomy's so long.

The horror! The horror!

Aw, they killed off the only likeable character!

I lost a tooth.

Oh Jeez, I told you to floss!

Gee, I'll lose an arm and you'll really crack up.

Joel

This guy's just funny, you can't explain it...you can't explain it, he's just funny.

Servo

He'll pass a stone in a minute that'll make ya howl.

You're nothin'.

Oh yeah? Well you're a... dumb... head.

I mean, back where you came from you may be somethin', but--

Nope. Pretty much squat there, too.

We ain't stupid.

Nobody's calling anybody stupid, Mick.

Not on screen anyway.

Servo

No acting beyond this point. Not allowed.

The illegal smuggling of mimes. Nobody ever talks about it.

When we return to our planet, the High Court may well sentence you to torture!

TORCHAA!!

Before the high court has you executed, you should be made to watch what happens when we return here with the gargans! By the elements alone, they will grow to millions of times their original size in less time than it takes for the sun to rise and fall."

You mean a day?

We are the supreme race! We have the supreme weapons!

Ahh, turn Rush Limbaugh off!

Servo

...and now, Trapper John, M.D.!

Boy, Tra-Trapper John, M.D. lives right next door to Medical Center!

Servo

Yeah!

[introducing figurines he and Dr. Forrester call Tragic Moments, panning to a figure of a crying boy cradling the body of his dead dog] Sure, Grandma will cry when she sees her lovely gift, but for very different reasons. This first one is entitled "Sparky's Last Romp"; and these beautiful, handcrafted figurines depict little Billy's first hard lesson in life, plus what happens when a dog teases a cow way past the breaking point.

Others in the collection include He Raises a Hand in Anger, World's Deadest Grandma and Dad's Liquid Breakfast.

[as Joel and the Bots voice their disapproval] You should be locked up for being that evil!

Joel

It makes anything you say worth listening to; isn't that right?

[using the impersonation kit] I just purchased a new shovel today. Its cost: 15 dollars. Believe it... or not.

Joel

Or you can use it to scare your friends. [to Servo] Hey, is your name said Jack Palance or Jack Pa-lance?

Servo

[using the kit] That- would be a decision for you to make. Choose wisely...

Servo

[reading over the cast names] James Karen? Boy, he has an identity problem.

Joel

Sam Chew [Jr]?

Gesundheit.

Joel

Thank you.

Worthless.

Worthless?!

Yeah, your career, that is.

What do you mean worthless?!

I mean they're not precious.

You're precious.

They're 3000 years old! They're ancient, man!

Well, who told you that? Some hustler in a swap meet?

I don't read Hustler.

Forget it! [takes the crystals back]

Servo

I'm gonna find those strawberries...

Clown!

Take that back, or I'll squirt you with my flower!